Can you keep a secret?

Yeah, it's a lame title. Doesn't resonate with me as much as my others do. Or maybe it does.

There's a man named Frank who asked people to mail them their secrets. Three years later his blog has over 122,000,000 hits (much more after tonight) and he's written three books with them. And every Sunday he publishes a dozen or so more new ones in his blog. The only condition is that it be a secret that the sender hasn't told anyone else, ever. It's called Post Secret. I thought more people knew about it, but I was talking to Kayla about it and she hadn't heard of it, so it may not be as widely known as I had originally thought. But apparently Car and Erica are also avid Post Secret followers.

To be blunt, I love this site. It's one of my internet addictions (along with Facebook, I-Am-Bored.com, and Myspace). And now, ladies and gents, the driving question. Why?

Why do I read them? Easy answer: to feel less alone. But that's so generic and boring. That's why anyone would read them. Not why I would read them.

I read them because I feel like I'm getting free access into someone's soul. Someone, somewhere, is opening up and letting me see a glimpse of who they are and some of their skeletons hiding in their closet. Their dirty laundry. It's like listening in on someone's confession. Total taboo, but at the same time, so tempting. At least with this you've got their permission, so it's ok.

It's like discovering a song by your favorite band (Blue October, "Razorblade"). It's like digging into that brand new book in that series you're following (Harry Potter, anyone?). Or when after Christmas vacation and writers strikes you get a new episode of your TV series (House!). It's like coming up for a new idea for that novel brewing in your head (The name of my heroine). Like the high you get when playing with your fellow musicians (I've written already on that idea).

The whole this is like a drug. So addicting, we just have to know what's next. You need your next high, your next fix. Although, I've never done drugs, so I should probably pick a different metaphor.

Well, my dears, I read because it brings company, I read because I'm a bit morbid and twisted, because it helps me feel more okay with myself and my own Post Secrets.

I read because I need that human element to survive.
Because it distracts me from that drunken cacophony outside my door in that scary world out there.
Because I get a glimpse of the state of society.
Because, when I come back later in the week, I see people helping strangers and lending a hand to the needy in the responses to the Post Secrets. A despairing woman expressed her feelings on a postcard of a train station. Another person asked to meet her there on Feb. 6 at 6pm, that he/she would be wearing a blue coat and that he/she was doing it to let her know she's not alone. Creepy? Most would think so. Me being the naturally gullible/trusting type, I find it beautiful.

So, while I munch on burnt popcorn, go check it out yourself.

www.postsecret.com

Immortality!

"Twilight is the Poets awakening hour-
When all around is hushed and still,
It lends the mind suggestive power-
And makes the heart to thrill
The songsters matin as the day declines
The balmy softness of the summers breeze
The darker green that deepens on the vines
And clusters over the trees-
Feed man's poetic sense with love-
His soul with noble passion fires."

So, I found this written in pencil inside the back of "The Aldine Poets': Akenside", the name "Robert Martin, Nov. 28th 1874" written in the front. There's a whole bunch of other stuff that's been erased, too. I googled it, parts of it, and nothing came up. Check it out at the MSM Library - Call number PR 3311.A5 D8 1866 Copy 2.

I love finding stuff like this.

Wave goodbye to the hippies, kids!

Here we are again.

It's officially 12:05AM Pacific time by my laptop clock. Four hours until I need to 'get up' to get ready to drive to the airport at 4:30am to navigate through that labyrinth of airport security and catch my 6:00am flight to Salt Lake City, wait around for two hours and then fly to Baltimore and then get picked up and finally make it to school, hopefully before 7pm.

And, I hate this part. It just hurts, there's nothing good about it. The goodbyes to my friends here hurt. The nagging from my parents hurts. Missing my college buddies hurts.

I know I'll be back at the end of February. But that doesn't help much now. I'm half packed, and sick of packing. I'll finish after this note.

It's this in between that I hate. Washington's my home. I love the air always smells like pine, the tap water that tastes bottled, the hippies at the Portland Airport (they don't know it, but they've always been the first to welcome me home), my parents, my friends at all the Washington schools who molded me and got me ready to start to figure out who I'm supposed to be now that I'm in college. But Maryland, Mount Saint Mary's more like (since I really have been confined to the campus), is where I think I'm finding myself. I'm happier overall than I was in high school. I don't have to worry about being Catholic. It's only been a few months with my girls and my HL crew, but I don't know what I'd do without them. I miss you all so much when I'm home. You welcomed me with open arms and helped me bridge the culture gap between the two coasts (though I still haven't had Old Bay yet). I'm not sure if you'll ever know how much that means to me. And then there's Kayla, my one bridge between the two worlds. I love you. I can't do this without you. You know that.

God, I've got all this feeling churning in me, and neither will come out nor go away. I can't wait until I get to security at PDX, because then I'll be alone again and all this will settle down. Truly alone. I really like traveling alone. It lets you spend time introspecting and finding out who you really are. Because you've only got yourself to rely on. I mean, yeah, you've got your cell. But last time I flew I had no idea where it was, and I thought I had left it at school (turns out it was at the bottom of my bag. figures.). It was then, though, that I really felt alone for the first time. My lifelines really depended on my mental phone book and supply of quarters, and calling WA from Baltimore isn't cheap. I guess it all just gives you perspective.

People throw the phrase around way too much, but I'm going to use it anyway. I love you all, so much. I can't wait for this semester to start. Ha, I can't even see past the first week. It'll be nice to get back and put contacts in. Yeah, I left my other pairs at school, and so I've been wearing the glasses for the last two weeks. *eyeroll* Typical Katelyn.

Man, I wish someone was online right now. It's so lonely, this part. I tend to think about death during this part, too. I know, I know, Steinke's a morbid child. But wouldn't you? I mean, the planes could crash, and that'd be it. I'd be gone, and the only thing left here would be what people remember me as. It'd be so incredibly ironic: to die during the time of my life when I finally feel the most alive. Ha. HaHa.

But enough about that.

What's her name said "Only kindness matters." I disagree. Love and what we do for and because of it are the only things that matter. Love as in the mysterious force in the room in the Department of Mysteries. Love as in something that really doesn't die. Something transcendental.

But what do we know about that? We are all just a bunch of clueless...young adults...trying to find themselves and figure out what the hell is going on. And we screw up a lot of times, and oh yes, there will be drama, but it seems like we are learning from everything that happens, be it good or bad, just trying to come into our own. Maybe there's hope for us after all.

;-)

I think I'm going to go finish packing now.

P.S. Go Pack Go.

I'm in a post-grungy and sunsets mood

((From my Facebook Notes...))

So I was Facebook stalking a few of my friends, going beyond the usual list and came across an incredibly gorgeous picture of one of my friends watching a sunset. The sunset was beautiful over what could have been a desert, and it made me think of that time on the last Mission Trip where a bunch of us walked up all over a few really good hills (you east coast people might call them mountains). The sun began to set, and you could see out into the desert-y rolling hillside, and behind you you could see a gorgeous, luscious green valley. It really was a moment of paradise. I'd describe it more, but every description of a sunset always falls short and never seems to be as meaningful to those witnessing it second hand. So I'll spare you the details.

I love sunsets. They're one of my favorite things. Ever. I prefer them to sunrises, but granted I've seen about a hundred times as many sunsets as sunrises. Although I have to admit, watching the sun rise when I fly back to Maryland is pretty sweet. I'd rather watch a sunset, though. Maybe it's because I like the night, the dark, and the stars. Could that be linked to my love of the scary? The morbid, the dark, why Halloween is my favorite holiday? I think both have the same root. I'm not sure what that is, though. It's something in who I am. Naturally attracted to the dark side of things. I suppose some people would find that disturbing...I know some people think that part of me kinda is. And I don't blame them, I'm pretty sure they still want to associate with me in spite of it. If not, screw you. Good Katelyn will keep on pretending that everything's fine, and Bad Katelyn doesn't care one way or another and will probably bad mouth you in her sleep.

Maybe I have some sort of black hole in me. Like, it could be something missing (the Jesus shaped hole! Maybe...), or it could be a lot of things. It could be a lack of self confidence and esteem. It could be lack of comfort with who I am. Yeah, maybe. If I could only figure out exactly, precisely, undeniably why I am uncomfortable with myself, then maybe I can cure it. I'm not sure if I've actually been curing it or have just gotten better at dealing with it and covering it up. I suppose it doesn't make a different to the outside world; the affect is the same, right? But it matters to me. Maybe that's a good place to go. Figuring out what matters to me. It's sounds so simple, so obvious. Well of course I know what matters to me! Or do I? In the larger sense, yes. But in the little things? No. Ha. comfort with who I am. I'm trying to figure out who I am, so maybe that's a fluid thing right now. Or maybe it's just obscured.

Another thought. Why am I pouring out my soul to Facebook? Lord knows far more people can read it than on my Myspace. Especially because notes don't get published too often on Facebook. But see, that's the thing. That's the one thing I can actually say that I don't care what others think about me. Maybe it's because I can be so completely and brutally honest with myself and do some real soul searching, that if anyone blows it off or takes it and tries to desecrate it, that it's just stupid and wrong to do so. There's a taboo on killing parts of someone's soul. So my dears, read, comment as you like.

I saw Dave, my old boss, today. Talked with him and Max (a manager) for about an hour. Dave thinks that I'm still far too high strung. So that's my new year's resolution - try to lower my stringing. The way I see it, I'm not as happy as I probably could be being high strung, type A, whatever (although if i'm type A this sucks, because I don't have any of the organizational or perfectionistic benefits). So yeah. Oh, and apparently I need to be a kid.

Hmmm. In summary, I just discovered that my favorite music genre is post-grunge. Grunge, seriously? I guess they also call grunge Seattle Sound. Go figure. But I'll still listen to anything.

So yeah.

It's Christmas break.

Da List:

Kayla - something uber cool

Siobhan - a slutty bra

Erica - something geeky or House-y

Car - something cool, geeky, fantasy-y

---

Jen, Jon, Derek, Nick, Jackie, Seth, Kevin:

Playdough, ...



~*~

I need to hit up the vanMall still. :D

In the meantime, I get to plan some hang out for tonight at my house because we 'never' do anything at my house. so what if it's true...:P

Oh, I also am starting another blog, called "To the Mount!" chronicling the escapades of my HL posse. Just because we have so much friggin drama, it would make such good novel material, and i can't bear to let it go unwritten. So I'm keeping the master in a word document, then changing the names before I put it online. I'll market it as fiction, but it'll be almost entirely fact. Woot! Good times. i haven't decided whether I'll be another character or write from the first person. I'm excited.

So I'm going to go read parts of the Kite Runner now. Yay honors discussion dinners.

Oh, I think my gpa's a 3.4706. Yay me. Not bad for having no idea what my grades were in any of my classes. Now THAT's scary.

One down...seven to go

[[From my Facebook Notes]]

So, I've officially completely my first semester at the Mount. Wow. I think it's safe to say that I had absolutely no idea how amazing it was going to be. Living on my own (with Kayla!), being on first name basis with professors, Mount Theater and Wind Ensemble, staying up all night goofing off only to have some of the most amazing conversations comparable to those I had with kaylala (only in the honors lounge...), having as much drama as the ocean has water, figuring out what the hell Chicago style format is, Sister Doctor, vibrators...the list goes on and on. One thing, though, is that I'm so glad I came here, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I had no idea that I'd meet such awesome people here. Who knew that the east coast had cool people too? I don't know what I'd do without my girls and my Honors Lounge buddies. You all are my rocks and a never ending source of amusement. I miss you all so much now that I'm back home...but hey, that's what facebook is for, right? :)

But most of all, I've learned more than I ever thought I would. Yes, I actually remember what the festival of Dionysus was and what battle the movie 300 was based off of. But it goes beyond that. I know that I'm starting to learn a lot about myself, and I realize that I'm changing, and that I'm not going to stop changing for a long time. I'm learning how to simultaneously disagree with and learn a lot from professors. I think I've become a bit more open minded, and learned that that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm less Catholic or more liberal (even though that's what it may seem like). I think I've become more moderate, at least for the time being. I've learned that first impressions can reveal people who are the complete opposite of who you thought they were, and at the same time turn out to be not that far off. I've learned that sometimes I have to make a choice and stick with it, even if it hurts. I see that maturity is something that comes with raw life experience, and that nothing else can really replace that. I've learned to do my own laundry. I've learned that sometimes you have to really suck things up and be a better person than you want to be in order to save friendships, because it's far better to mature up than to let out your emotion and kill something that could last years. At the same time, I've learned that it's ok to just go off by yourself and break down for a while, because it'll make you stronger in the long run. People are people, and if you want any kind of friendship with someone you have to accept them for who they are. Real filial love goes beyond the petty things. I see that life's hard, and that the more opposition you have the greater potential you have to become great.

I'll find who I am and grow into that. I'll use what I've seen and heard from my past to understand those in my present and future. Even though it feels like I'm living two lives right now, I think it will become less so once I really start integrating the Washington Katelyn and the Maryland Schteinke. But I know that I'll become one person soon enough. The future is wide open to me right now. The doors are going to close eventually, but for the meantime I can peer into their contents to see where I want to go. Above all I've learned that I have a long way to go: personally, academically, geographically.

And I'm going to savor every minute of the ride.

~*~

COMMENTS:

JEN: I love you schteinker-bop

JON: wow. thats some quantuum stuff right there. some quantuum stuff "k-a-t-e-l-y-n." there. i actually said your real name. and now steinke will be a term of endearment. okey dokey then. you should be a writer by the way. you write really well and some really good stuff.

DEREK: pretty intense. my favorite part was when you said "I've learned how to do laundry" in the middle of all that serious stuff haha. syke, it was all really good. I agree, I think its amazing how much of college has nothing to do with school. We are all just a bunch of clueless...young adults...trying to find themselves and figure out what the hell is going on. and we screw up a lot of times, and ohhhh yessss there will be drama, but it seems like we are learning from everything that happens, be it good or bad, just tryin to come into our own. im glad i ended up at msm. and im glad you did too. im glad everyone did, cause whether we like it or not we have all had impacts on each others lives in one way or another.
amen stanky, it should definitely be an interesting ride. lets all make the next seven just as memorable as the first.

JEN: preach it derek bridge.
and let us thank god the whore of babylon isn't in our midst anymore.

SETH:Deep stuff!
I'm going to be so sad next semester when I can't go to the Honors Lounge that much anymore :/

ME: Meh, I just try to tell it as I see it. But thanks ya'll. :D I love you guys so much! 24 more days...not that I'm counting or anything. ;-)

JON: i feel like im commenting on a southern baptist church forum or something. preach it, ahow the good lord asaid it aderek abridge. HALLELUJAH! the whore of ababylon will no longer be in oura presence whena this good lifea ends. i know this has nothing to do with this note at all. not a single thing. but i felt it necessary. how come you dont make notes more often?

DEREK: because you touch yourself at night.

JON: and guess who im thinking of.

DEREK: wow you do it to nicks mom too? small world.

ME: wtf?
Oh, and sorry about those Ravens, Derek. In overtime, too. Sad day. But my Packers won!

JON: nuh uh. not at all derek. it isnt anyones mom. sorry to destroy your note thing steinke. i blame it on derek. and im not sorry about those ravens cause i dont even know what happened.

JEN: Derek Bridge you're revolting.
(t-shirts will be on sale to this effect starting next monday)

ME: Sweet jesus. *sigh* Fine. I still love you all, even if you DO destroy my notes. XD

SARAH: atta girl. you are my idol. even beyond your mad clarinet skills!!

I believe the world is burning to the ground

So I'm in the middle of an essay about vocation and this book The Soloist for my Call and Response in the Bible course, due in an hour and a half, so I decided to procrastinate even more and look at my blog that I haven't updated in a very long time.

I tried doing NaNoWriMo, but got 481 words in and quit.

I made the Fall Mainstage production of The Imaginary Invalid. I was Louise. Tiny role, Tons of fun, sucked up lotsa time before Thanksgiving break. Which is mostly why I quite NaNo.

I got over David (no contact with someone for two months did that to me), which is good because we've both got our perspective interests. Mine just happens to be a bit of an ass and confused. Siobhan calls him a woman with a penis. I think he just over analyzes everything. So, to make a long story short, he and I had things going on, we made out Halloween night, a few days later I get pissed and we have a fight, I don't talk to him for three days, we stay up all night and hash things out, we're back to being close friends. I still like him, and probably will for a while, but right now I'm waiting for him to be unconfused. In the meantime, I'm controlling my like of him. Oi.

Winter Formal is on Friday. I got a red dress for it. Should be fun, a bunch of my girls are going. I highly doubt Derek will ask me, but I'm going with my girls anyway. I'm even considering turning him down if he does ask me. But that's not going to happen, so we'll just concentrate on buying Katelyn shoes and wondering how she's gonna fix her hair now that she has layers.

I have a new name. All of my Honors Lounge buddies call me Stanky, and various variations thereof, including Schtiiiiinkeeee, Stanks, and Schteinkinator. It's good fun. Yay for having the same name as a dozen other girls in your class. Kevin calls me Katelyn.

I wanna lose ten pounds to get down from 130, but with all this college snack food it's practically impossible to do. Ah well. I'll keep trying.

The nob on my heater in my room broke, so now it's turned to the highest setting until I get get someone in to fix it. Or figure it out myself. It'd be easier if the metal wasn't so damn hot. ha, I can see the steam coming out of it right now. Now that I've got the window open too, my room's gonna be hot and cold at the same time! Joy.

I have to do laundry. I'm getting a little too creative in my clothing.

I wish my room didn't smell funky. I don't know why. I think it's the combination of Kayla's and my smells. My perfume, her acne pads, our clothes...urg. I think if I can get the heater fixed (it was kinda broke before, I broke it more by fixing it) and it won't be so damn hot in here and it won't smell as weird. Sio's room smells nice and it's also super clean. Ah well.

Well, I think I've wasted enough time. Time to get back to my essay. And no matter how well I write it, Derek will still get a higher score. That bastard. ;-)