Thank you, Facebook, for allowing me to customize who sees my link to this blog. Now only the privileged few get to view my "website."
I've got the actual BCDs in an hour or so. Whoo. If this isn't hazing and we're not being graded, then why do I feel like I'm going to throw up?
I've been placed on the training committee. With the assistant director, Jeff, who has questionable "machismo". Ask a latino what that means. I don't think Jeff likes me, ever since I ruined his metaphor one day in training by thinking outside the box. You're babysitting two kids, and you have two bags of chips to give them as snacks. one has been playing outside all day and is pretty hungry, the other isn't that hungry. So basically the question comes down to what is fair: equality, or needs based? I raised my hand and said that you should take the chips out of the bags and put the contents into a bowl, and put that between the kids. It gives equal opportunity and the ability for both to get what they need. Jeff didn't like it. I thought it was quite brilliant on my part. :-)
But that's ok, because Katherine, the other AD, is my boss. And she likes me lots.
sappy warning.
I woke up at about 2:30 last night to a text from David. When I finally got to my senses (while watching a certain RA suspiciously hanging out with a suspicious PS office outside my window), I read it and sent a coherent text back. But then I decided to put a sweatshirt on and go outside on the steps and give him a call. We talked for about forty minutes. So I lost an hour and a half of sleep. I'm glad I did. God I miss him. I'm glad I've got so much I have to do.
I'm listening to the playlist I made last year with honors lounge songs. I look out my window, the sun's shining and the breeze is nice. But hey, it's not complete. It's missing, I know what it is. But that's why I've got a file of memories to pull open. It's different now, from last year. I'm not burning the memories, trying to get it out of my head and moving on. Nope, they're going in a locked drawer, with a sticker on it saying Do Not Open Until Christmas.
heh.
God, I don't want to go over to Patriot for lunch. I'd rather sit here, with my thoughts and my self, and not be with anyone. But I can't. I want to, so bad, but I can't. I have to make the best of my situation, to deal with the things that are going on. I knew what I was getting into, and it's true, it's easier to deal with this time. Maybe because I'm not killing, but storing. Save it for later, and until then, live for today and the life here. It's not fair to people here, or back there. Put it to the back of my mind for now.
And I'll dig out the memories so I can go to a happy place while the old RAs are yelling in my face when I bust the mock party. :) or listen to the assault story. Yay for practical practice.
I don't want you wasting away. I want you to be happy, as happy as you can be. I want you to live.
Until later, my dears.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Public Service Announcement, among other things
For what it's worth, I'll be pulling the link to this blog from my facebook in a few days. I decided that I can't afford to have anything potentially incriminating viewable by my superiors, residents or staff. I can hear the scoffing already. But seriously, with this job, there's a chance I might say something here I don't want everyone to see, and I need an outlet other than Linda Donovan (school councilor) and some of my friends will prolly get sick of hearing about my RA drama.
I've also officially given up alcohol and boy-related activity for the year, with a few limited exceptions to the latter and none for the former. Why officially? i've told some of my people here, like Siobhan and Elisabeth, and they, along with Kayla, will help keep me accountable. Whoo! I think it goes with the whole new role model, fish bowl thing.
I talked to kayla for ten minutes on the phone, and david for ten minutes on aim. That made me happy. I miss them both so much.
If you're into prayer requests, please add me to your lists. I'm going to need a lot of patience, strength, compassion and to not be judging. It's going to be a hard job, just with the drama and gossip alone. I mean, just today I heard a story about one RA and a young public safety officer, then found out that the girl who let some of the basketball players run a train on her and the one who was on crutches because of where she did the nasty were one and the same. I can't help but feel for the two of them. I have to work to look at them in the same light. I feel bad because of it, because I thought that i was getting good at keeping sins and the sinner separate. But I've got a long way to go. And this job is going to try and test me. So please, keep praying for me. I'll return the favor, and probably already am.
I think I might lay down for a bit, and read a good book or something. I need a break from Reslife. It's taken over my whole life, save for like an hour on Sunday for mass.
I've also officially given up alcohol and boy-related activity for the year, with a few limited exceptions to the latter and none for the former. Why officially? i've told some of my people here, like Siobhan and Elisabeth, and they, along with Kayla, will help keep me accountable. Whoo! I think it goes with the whole new role model, fish bowl thing.
I talked to kayla for ten minutes on the phone, and david for ten minutes on aim. That made me happy. I miss them both so much.
If you're into prayer requests, please add me to your lists. I'm going to need a lot of patience, strength, compassion and to not be judging. It's going to be a hard job, just with the drama and gossip alone. I mean, just today I heard a story about one RA and a young public safety officer, then found out that the girl who let some of the basketball players run a train on her and the one who was on crutches because of where she did the nasty were one and the same. I can't help but feel for the two of them. I have to work to look at them in the same light. I feel bad because of it, because I thought that i was getting good at keeping sins and the sinner separate. But I've got a long way to go. And this job is going to try and test me. So please, keep praying for me. I'll return the favor, and probably already am.
I think I might lay down for a bit, and read a good book or something. I need a break from Reslife. It's taken over my whole life, save for like an hour on Sunday for mass.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Breathing - Lifehouse
I'm really tired. And going to bed. I get to do a ropes course all day tomorrow. And be tired. SO that'll be fun. Really.
Apparently it only gets worse. The tiredness. Or at least, doesn't improve. Welcome to your new state of being, Katelyn. Enjoy.
I miss people. Still. But I'm happy, and loving life.
The Mount is weird with just RAs and a few students.
Reslife has taken over my life right now. Really. It's like...God, Reslife...physical needs..........family. But I'm excited. PLUS my girls are starting to warm up to me a little. Funny what leaving your door open can do. I got one bulletin board done. It was easy, just putting up event flyers and making them look pretty. I have to be responsible.
The readings were awesome for today. They totally fit for what I'm doing, and made me happy. :)
First reading:
Isaiah 56: 1, 6-7
Keep justice and do righteousness....foreigners come to serve the LORD, hold fast to the law and the sabbath...come to the holy mountain and be joyful in the house of prayer.
the "holy mountain" is a phrase people use a lot around here. "Upon this holy mountain..." The place was founded by priests and nuns, and real Saints walked the hallowed grounds. It's powerful to think about, that holy people lived and worked and strove for holiness and ministered and taught and learned as you're doing RIGHT NOW. Continuing their ministry...striving to fulfill your own call to holiness. Maybe that's why I love this place. There's something about the Mount...everyone says that too. No one can describe it, but there's something here. And not just the ghosts.
Second Reading:
From Romans 11
That He may have mercy upon all. Again, themes of the foreigners, going out and ministering to them, maybe at the expense of the contentment of those who are supposed to already be in the club. "For the gifts and the call of God are irrevocable". Gifts we use to bring life and to serve others, to help them find the life and gifts in themselves and continue the chain with the saints. And people screw up so that God may show his mercy. Aka incidents. ((what we call it when someone gets busted, or if someone comes to us with a big problem)).
Gospel:
Story of the woman with the demoniac daughter, the "even the dogs eat the scraps that fall from the master's table."
I love this story, it's one of my favorites. Fr. Brian made an interesting observation. Jesus was silent to the women's pleading at first not only to strengthen her faith, but to allow the disciples to be an advocate for her. But they didn't, they did the opposite. So He speaks, and stretches her faith more, until she makes what I consider to be one of the most awesome phrases by an extra in the Bible "even the dogs eat the scraps that fall from the master's table." That takes humilty and guts. We're dogs, we require God's mercy, and through that mercy we can grow closer to Him, develop our gifts and use them for the benefit of all.
I guess today's (sunday's) readings really made me reflect on why I want to have and do my best at this job. It's almost like a ministry. We build communities of people, reach out to the individual and help them find their identity and place in the community. We're here to be a resource for them, for anything they might need, and a person who knows how to get them the help they need. And we protect them through carrying out our duty to report incidents, but also conferring with those involved afterwards to repair the relationship, show her the mercy that yes, she may have screwed up, but I'm not judging her for it, that she can pick up again and do better. Of course, most people don't see that, as residents. But that's just like ministering to the gentiles. And really, the only people who really see that are the ones who become RAs themselves, mostly. Ourselves, we're called to be living examples of our code, kind, and ultimately sacrificially loving. We're to give our time and selves until we are spent, and wake up the next morning (if we slept at all) and do it again. But at the same time, we have to take and respect a sabbath, for our own benefit and so that we can better serve them.
My residents come first, before me. I learn my limits, and while always striving to expand them, work within them to empty yourself for your residents. Because that's your job. I'm not always on duty, but I'm an RA 24/7 on campus. You're a Christian 24/7, regardless. It's a higher calling, one that I won't always live up to. But part of the code is admitting your mistake, owning up and trying harder to do better next time.
I think I'm going to like this job. Plus I get to make pretty bulletin boards and door decorations. :-)
But with that, this post was meant to be much shorter. And I need way more sleep. Goodnight, my loves. I miss you. But I'm still happy. Tired, but happy.
Apparently it only gets worse. The tiredness. Or at least, doesn't improve. Welcome to your new state of being, Katelyn. Enjoy.
I miss people. Still. But I'm happy, and loving life.
The Mount is weird with just RAs and a few students.
Reslife has taken over my life right now. Really. It's like...God, Reslife...physical needs..........family. But I'm excited. PLUS my girls are starting to warm up to me a little. Funny what leaving your door open can do. I got one bulletin board done. It was easy, just putting up event flyers and making them look pretty. I have to be responsible.
The readings were awesome for today. They totally fit for what I'm doing, and made me happy. :)
First reading:
Isaiah 56: 1, 6-7
| 1 | Thus says the LORD: "Keep justice, and do righteousness, for soon my salvation will come, and my deliverance be revealed. |
| 6 | "And the foreigners who join themselves to the LORD, to minister to him, to love the name of the LORD, and to be his servants, every one who keeps the sabbath, and does not profane it, and holds fast my covenant -- |
| 7 | these I will bring to my holy mountain, and make them joyful in my house of prayer; their burnt offerings and their sacrifices will be accepted on my altar; for my house shall be called a house of prayer for all peoples. |
the "holy mountain" is a phrase people use a lot around here. "Upon this holy mountain..." The place was founded by priests and nuns, and real Saints walked the hallowed grounds. It's powerful to think about, that holy people lived and worked and strove for holiness and ministered and taught and learned as you're doing RIGHT NOW. Continuing their ministry...striving to fulfill your own call to holiness. Maybe that's why I love this place. There's something about the Mount...everyone says that too. No one can describe it, but there's something here. And not just the ghosts.
Second Reading:
From Romans 11
| 13 | Now I am speaking to you Gentiles. Inasmuch then as I am an apostle to the Gentiles, I magnify my ministry |
| 14 | in order to make my fellow Jews jealous, and thus save some of them. |
| 15 | For if their rejection means the reconciliation of the world, what will their acceptance mean but life from the dead? |
| 29 | For the gifts and the call of God are irrevocable. |
| 30 | Just as you were once disobedient to God but now have received mercy because of their disobedience, |
| 31 | so they have now been disobedient in order that by the mercy shown to you they also may receive mercy. |
| 32 | For God has consigned all men to disobedience, that he may have mercy upon all. |
Gospel:
Story of the woman with the demoniac daughter, the "even the dogs eat the scraps that fall from the master's table."
I love this story, it's one of my favorites. Fr. Brian made an interesting observation. Jesus was silent to the women's pleading at first not only to strengthen her faith, but to allow the disciples to be an advocate for her. But they didn't, they did the opposite. So He speaks, and stretches her faith more, until she makes what I consider to be one of the most awesome phrases by an extra in the Bible "even the dogs eat the scraps that fall from the master's table." That takes humilty and guts. We're dogs, we require God's mercy, and through that mercy we can grow closer to Him, develop our gifts and use them for the benefit of all.
I guess today's (sunday's) readings really made me reflect on why I want to have and do my best at this job. It's almost like a ministry. We build communities of people, reach out to the individual and help them find their identity and place in the community. We're here to be a resource for them, for anything they might need, and a person who knows how to get them the help they need. And we protect them through carrying out our duty to report incidents, but also conferring with those involved afterwards to repair the relationship, show her the mercy that yes, she may have screwed up, but I'm not judging her for it, that she can pick up again and do better. Of course, most people don't see that, as residents. But that's just like ministering to the gentiles. And really, the only people who really see that are the ones who become RAs themselves, mostly. Ourselves, we're called to be living examples of our code, kind, and ultimately sacrificially loving. We're to give our time and selves until we are spent, and wake up the next morning (if we slept at all) and do it again. But at the same time, we have to take and respect a sabbath, for our own benefit and so that we can better serve them.
My residents come first, before me. I learn my limits, and while always striving to expand them, work within them to empty yourself for your residents. Because that's your job. I'm not always on duty, but I'm an RA 24/7 on campus. You're a Christian 24/7, regardless. It's a higher calling, one that I won't always live up to. But part of the code is admitting your mistake, owning up and trying harder to do better next time.
I think I'm going to like this job. Plus I get to make pretty bulletin boards and door decorations. :-)
But with that, this post was meant to be much shorter. And I need way more sleep. Goodnight, my loves. I miss you. But I'm still happy. Tired, but happy.
Friday, August 15, 2008
A few thoughts before I really become an RA
Today's the feast of the Assumption. Meaning, the day Catholics celebrate when Mary was "Assumed" into Heaven. Aka sucked up in a heavenly cloud, body and soul. And no, there's nothing in the Bible about this. ;-) Unless you count Elijah getting sucked up on a chariot. I'm going to Mass at Noon, thus skipping RA pizza lunch. Apparently training actually starts at 2, so I'll have time to come back to my room and eat a soup or something.
I'm all moved in. WHoo! My stuff isn't completely organized yet, because I still have a lot of Kayla's stuff in my room. But that's fine. I'm so excited - I love my room. I got dark green drapes and a carpet to o with my bedspread, and a green plaid blanket for my other mattress so it's nice for sitting, plus some extra pillows for it and some blankets I brought from home. So I almost have a couch! Whooo! It's good because my tv cord is only 6 feet, and the connector is RIGHT BELOW the ceiling. But hey, at least now I won't be tempted to watch TV in bed, which is a good thing. Oh, yeah, I have a little TV. WIth a built in DVD player. :) It's pretty small, but that's fine, I don't want a big one. It's big enough so we can watch it when we really want to, but small enough so it's not a big temptation. :-) I say we. Meaning, my ressies and Kayla + the girls and Derek and Nick if they decide to bother to keep me company before I have to kick them out for curfew reasons. But hey, my room is right next to the door. :) That makes me happy, too. I also have ipod speakers docking thingy. And an eight dollar phone, because I heard last year that I have to have one. So yeah. OH!!!! almost best part: My dad got me a brita water filter, because I was telling them how the water here makes me sick (intestinal sick...if you catch my drift. Not fun) for the first few months. So after I run out of bottled water (or get close to the end) I'll try that out. :)
SO yeah, life is pretty nice in my own room.
Last night, right after my parents left, I got lonely and decided to call Benitez, because I knew he was on campus. I ended up going through the Terrace talking to people with him, and then meeting up with Ally and Janay and Jessica (another newbie...they're trying to kill that word, so people don't use it because it's mean. I like it, it's like a term of endearment...plus I don't mind a little hazing like that. :D) and we all talked for a while. Then I got introduced to two public safety guys that came over to bring Janay fire, and took two vehicles so that they looked official. Then I met Adam, a third year RA, and he drove all of us RAs over to Sheetz, where we got milkshakes and snacks and sat for about an hour getting to know eachother (for us n00bs) and swapping hillarious incident stories. Oh the things college kids will do...I can't wait until I have my own gossip. :)
The best thing about it was, the whole group really made me feel like a part of the staff. Even though I'm new and in Sheridan. They were all so nice and open and stuff, just doing little things to help me out. Like Adam dropped me off behind Sheridan so I didn't have to walk back from the Terrace (even though it's like the equivalent of a block). Janay showed me how to get the milkshake machine to work the best, because I'm still a Sheetz noob.
I guess this all goes to underline one of the reasons why I think I'm going to like this job. The RAs remind me of a low class police force, who go out together and have fun and swap stories, but give eachother buttloads of crap and complain and bitch about people, but when it comes down to it each person is capable of doing their job well, and really genuinely cares about it, a lot. I mean, the people I was with last night are capable of running the whole building by themselves. They're all decent people, who really are (as cheesy as it is) trying to make their world a better place.
I sort of wish I was on the Terrace staff - they have this weird batshitcraziness about them. But I can't wait to get to know my own staff, either. After training, apparently staffs get pretty tight and don't really interact with the other ones. But hey, I'll be visiting the Terrace to see derek and nick, at least, and I'll probably trek up to fourth Brute to see benitez every once in a while. :) So things will be good.
And I has four keys. To get into all the buildings. :) Heck. Yes. I have power. WhooO! :)
I'm all moved in. WHoo! My stuff isn't completely organized yet, because I still have a lot of Kayla's stuff in my room. But that's fine. I'm so excited - I love my room. I got dark green drapes and a carpet to o with my bedspread, and a green plaid blanket for my other mattress so it's nice for sitting, plus some extra pillows for it and some blankets I brought from home. So I almost have a couch! Whooo! It's good because my tv cord is only 6 feet, and the connector is RIGHT BELOW the ceiling. But hey, at least now I won't be tempted to watch TV in bed, which is a good thing. Oh, yeah, I have a little TV. WIth a built in DVD player. :) It's pretty small, but that's fine, I don't want a big one. It's big enough so we can watch it when we really want to, but small enough so it's not a big temptation. :-) I say we. Meaning, my ressies and Kayla + the girls and Derek and Nick if they decide to bother to keep me company before I have to kick them out for curfew reasons. But hey, my room is right next to the door. :) That makes me happy, too. I also have ipod speakers docking thingy. And an eight dollar phone, because I heard last year that I have to have one. So yeah. OH!!!! almost best part: My dad got me a brita water filter, because I was telling them how the water here makes me sick (intestinal sick...if you catch my drift. Not fun) for the first few months. So after I run out of bottled water (or get close to the end) I'll try that out. :)
SO yeah, life is pretty nice in my own room.
Last night, right after my parents left, I got lonely and decided to call Benitez, because I knew he was on campus. I ended up going through the Terrace talking to people with him, and then meeting up with Ally and Janay and Jessica (another newbie...they're trying to kill that word, so people don't use it because it's mean. I like it, it's like a term of endearment...plus I don't mind a little hazing like that. :D) and we all talked for a while. Then I got introduced to two public safety guys that came over to bring Janay fire, and took two vehicles so that they looked official. Then I met Adam, a third year RA, and he drove all of us RAs over to Sheetz, where we got milkshakes and snacks and sat for about an hour getting to know eachother (for us n00bs) and swapping hillarious incident stories. Oh the things college kids will do...I can't wait until I have my own gossip. :)
The best thing about it was, the whole group really made me feel like a part of the staff. Even though I'm new and in Sheridan. They were all so nice and open and stuff, just doing little things to help me out. Like Adam dropped me off behind Sheridan so I didn't have to walk back from the Terrace (even though it's like the equivalent of a block). Janay showed me how to get the milkshake machine to work the best, because I'm still a Sheetz noob.
I guess this all goes to underline one of the reasons why I think I'm going to like this job. The RAs remind me of a low class police force, who go out together and have fun and swap stories, but give eachother buttloads of crap and complain and bitch about people, but when it comes down to it each person is capable of doing their job well, and really genuinely cares about it, a lot. I mean, the people I was with last night are capable of running the whole building by themselves. They're all decent people, who really are (as cheesy as it is) trying to make their world a better place.
I sort of wish I was on the Terrace staff - they have this weird batshitcraziness about them. But I can't wait to get to know my own staff, either. After training, apparently staffs get pretty tight and don't really interact with the other ones. But hey, I'll be visiting the Terrace to see derek and nick, at least, and I'll probably trek up to fourth Brute to see benitez every once in a while. :) So things will be good.
And I has four keys. To get into all the buildings. :) Heck. Yes. I have power. WhooO! :)
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
One more dawn....One more day....
One Day MORE......
Yay Les Mis. My favorite musical.
I'll be on a plane in less than 24 hours. Today's going to be the hardest one, I think. At least so far. No, tomorrow will be, after I get to the hotel. Maybe. I don't know. Basically, it's going to be hard to say goodbye.
heh, my birds (I gots a new one, blue and yellow!) are preening each other, so I know they must finally be friends. It's really cute.
Usually how I deal with stress-filled emotional situations is run the scenario over in my head a few times, living through what I'm going to say, and feel. It always takes the edge off, spreads the emotion around a bit so it's easier to deal with, in slightly smaller amounts over a longer period of time. It also works in the reverse, if I bottle for an intense situation and then release it later when it's "safe." Some people say it makes me a bit more morbid and cold, and they might be right. I also think it'll be a great skill to have as an RA.
But this time, I haven't run the situations before my mind's eye. I've always gotten halfway there, then pushed it out of my mind. Instead I've been thinking about the things I might say later, in my note. I know it's just a facebook note, a journal entry. But when I leave somewhere, they're like my final goodbye, the one way that I can make sure I can get out everything that I want to say and feel to the world. It makes me feel more at peace with things. So why is there so much anticipation inside me for the one I'll be writing tonight, at 2am, waiting for Time to come, take me by the hand and away to Maryland? I think it's to do with the changes that have happened and been made, and that I'm going to give it my all to make sure they aren't in vain. But more on that tonight.
In the meantime, it's time to compartmentalize and pack, something I've put off until NOW. And get my haircut, and make sure I've got everything together. Then see a few people one more time. Then i'll be back and type out a sappy goodbye. And then it'll be okay for me to leave my first life and reenter my second.
Yay Les Mis. My favorite musical.
I'll be on a plane in less than 24 hours. Today's going to be the hardest one, I think. At least so far. No, tomorrow will be, after I get to the hotel. Maybe. I don't know. Basically, it's going to be hard to say goodbye.
heh, my birds (I gots a new one, blue and yellow!) are preening each other, so I know they must finally be friends. It's really cute.
Usually how I deal with stress-filled emotional situations is run the scenario over in my head a few times, living through what I'm going to say, and feel. It always takes the edge off, spreads the emotion around a bit so it's easier to deal with, in slightly smaller amounts over a longer period of time. It also works in the reverse, if I bottle for an intense situation and then release it later when it's "safe." Some people say it makes me a bit more morbid and cold, and they might be right. I also think it'll be a great skill to have as an RA.
But this time, I haven't run the situations before my mind's eye. I've always gotten halfway there, then pushed it out of my mind. Instead I've been thinking about the things I might say later, in my note. I know it's just a facebook note, a journal entry. But when I leave somewhere, they're like my final goodbye, the one way that I can make sure I can get out everything that I want to say and feel to the world. It makes me feel more at peace with things. So why is there so much anticipation inside me for the one I'll be writing tonight, at 2am, waiting for Time to come, take me by the hand and away to Maryland? I think it's to do with the changes that have happened and been made, and that I'm going to give it my all to make sure they aren't in vain. But more on that tonight.
In the meantime, it's time to compartmentalize and pack, something I've put off until NOW. And get my haircut, and make sure I've got everything together. Then see a few people one more time. Then i'll be back and type out a sappy goodbye. And then it'll be okay for me to leave my first life and reenter my second.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
From the Myspace Files
My most recent update to my myspace blogs. I didn't originally think I would post it here, but there isn't anything incriminating. So I though I'd share. I'll be coming out with an official goodbye note on facebook the night I leave for Bmore.
title: "In the soundless awe and wonder..."
I'm doing a pseudo-rough draft of my "goodbye washington" facebook note. Because fewer people pay attention to this page than both my blog and facebook profile.
A few goals for this year:
1. Not be a skanky whore.
2. Cultivate the good things about myself I've remembered since coming back home, and throw out the bad. See 1.
3. Keep up with classes, my job and good people.
4. Read the Bible, because it's good for me.
5. Further pump up the Mount WE. :-)
There's a lot I can say for this summer. I didn't hang out with an incredible amount of people, but I'm perfectly happy with that, because those I did mean the world to me. That doesn't mean that I don't care about you, just that some people are closer to me than you.
In some ways I feel like I've come full circle, back to the spot I was last year. 11 months and 23 days ago I got on a plane to MD that changed my life. college does that. I was a half-finished statue, and the people I met took their chisels to me and carved their own niches. Then I came home and took a look in my wonderful human mirrors and realized that I should probably make some adjustments, because if the pattern kept progressing as it did, the finished product wouldn't be something I was happy with. So my old friends and I took a few stabs at me, and now I'm a hybrid. The process is going to keep repeating, back and forth and back and forth, refining and detailing, until I die.
I'm happy to go back, go back to the place of opportunity and independence and responsibility and actualization. This year is going to be different. I feel it. It'll be different because I choose so.
I think back to a year ago, to the pre-college me, walking the streets of Camas at night, talking to my dear friends. I wanted so desperately to break free: free of the sadness and depression, of the rules of my house, free of my past and molds I felt people fit me into. I was strapping myself to a rocket and begging Time to light the fuse.
Over the days turning to weeks turning to months, I found the freedom and happiness I so desperately craved. For the first time in at least four years I was truly happy, all the time. I didn't realize how utterly depressed I had been. I found independence, and with it responsibility for my new self I was to create. I made friends, seemingly for the first time, based on me. Not my past. No one knew a thing about me, except how I presented myself to them. People liked me for me, and I them for them. Most curious relationships that I have yet to really understand. I didn't fly off the deep end, but I definitely flirted with the line of destruction. Only now do I really see that. Hindsight and all.
But now another summer has passed, and this time I'm taking aim and charting my course before I fly.
Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, Senior.
Forming, Storming, Norming, Performing.
I think there's some truth to it. I'm breaking myself again, but this time with purpose and direction. Ripping muscles to make them stronger. I have a clearer picture of who I want to be.
But who is that?
Somone who loves. Someone who is not just a Catholic, but a Christian, and vice versa. Someone who stretches for virtue, but isn't afraid to struggle with her vice. Someone who is patient and kind. Someone who laughs. Someone who accepts and cherishes others for who they are, nasty stuff included. But ultimately, someone who loves.
You know what? This summer I've come to figure out how much I deeply care about those closest to me. Thanks for letting me love you so much.
So in a few days, I bid thee all good bye. I don't know when we'll all be together again. But hey, like my yearbook said, "The memories never die." We'll keep in touch, and hopefully I'll see you in nine months. Thanks be to God for letting me make it this far.
In the soundless awe and wonder
Words fall short to hope again
How beautiful, how vast Your love is
New forever,
World without an end...
title: "In the soundless awe and wonder..."
I'm doing a pseudo-rough draft of my "goodbye washington" facebook note. Because fewer people pay attention to this page than both my blog and facebook profile.
A few goals for this year:
1. Not be a skanky whore.
2. Cultivate the good things about myself I've remembered since coming back home, and throw out the bad. See 1.
3. Keep up with classes, my job and good people.
4. Read the Bible, because it's good for me.
5. Further pump up the Mount WE. :-)
There's a lot I can say for this summer. I didn't hang out with an incredible amount of people, but I'm perfectly happy with that, because those I did mean the world to me. That doesn't mean that I don't care about you, just that some people are closer to me than you.
In some ways I feel like I've come full circle, back to the spot I was last year. 11 months and 23 days ago I got on a plane to MD that changed my life. college does that. I was a half-finished statue, and the people I met took their chisels to me and carved their own niches. Then I came home and took a look in my wonderful human mirrors and realized that I should probably make some adjustments, because if the pattern kept progressing as it did, the finished product wouldn't be something I was happy with. So my old friends and I took a few stabs at me, and now I'm a hybrid. The process is going to keep repeating, back and forth and back and forth, refining and detailing, until I die.
I'm happy to go back, go back to the place of opportunity and independence and responsibility and actualization. This year is going to be different. I feel it. It'll be different because I choose so.
I think back to a year ago, to the pre-college me, walking the streets of Camas at night, talking to my dear friends. I wanted so desperately to break free: free of the sadness and depression, of the rules of my house, free of my past and molds I felt people fit me into. I was strapping myself to a rocket and begging Time to light the fuse.
Over the days turning to weeks turning to months, I found the freedom and happiness I so desperately craved. For the first time in at least four years I was truly happy, all the time. I didn't realize how utterly depressed I had been. I found independence, and with it responsibility for my new self I was to create. I made friends, seemingly for the first time, based on me. Not my past. No one knew a thing about me, except how I presented myself to them. People liked me for me, and I them for them. Most curious relationships that I have yet to really understand. I didn't fly off the deep end, but I definitely flirted with the line of destruction. Only now do I really see that. Hindsight and all.
But now another summer has passed, and this time I'm taking aim and charting my course before I fly.
Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, Senior.
Forming, Storming, Norming, Performing.
I think there's some truth to it. I'm breaking myself again, but this time with purpose and direction. Ripping muscles to make them stronger. I have a clearer picture of who I want to be.
But who is that?
Somone who loves. Someone who is not just a Catholic, but a Christian, and vice versa. Someone who stretches for virtue, but isn't afraid to struggle with her vice. Someone who is patient and kind. Someone who laughs. Someone who accepts and cherishes others for who they are, nasty stuff included. But ultimately, someone who loves.
You know what? This summer I've come to figure out how much I deeply care about those closest to me. Thanks for letting me love you so much.
So in a few days, I bid thee all good bye. I don't know when we'll all be together again. But hey, like my yearbook said, "The memories never die." We'll keep in touch, and hopefully I'll see you in nine months. Thanks be to God for letting me make it this far.
In the soundless awe and wonder
Words fall short to hope again
How beautiful, how vast Your love is
New forever,
World without an end...
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Mehsies
I'm starting to feel the pull coming from the east. While one side grows more exciting, the other more agonizing.
And right now is a more agonizing moment. And i can't resist writing a blog entry.
Well, I did say that I could handle it. And I will, I know I will. And the pain reminds me that I'm alive. And yet, it's not completely horrible. It's like there some sort of peace to it. Maybe stemming from the idea that I can't refute the reasons stacked in the negatory. Because through all the melancholy I can be a cockeyed optimist. Or more like Fry, "You just have to keep hoping and cover your ears and say BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH". I'm still happy. All this hurts, but I'm still happy.
There are things I want to say, but I haven't figured out how to say them right or even if I should say them at all. I might not need to say them, if I can figure out if they're already out there.
We'll see what happens, on all fronts.
And right now is a more agonizing moment. And i can't resist writing a blog entry.
Well, I did say that I could handle it. And I will, I know I will. And the pain reminds me that I'm alive. And yet, it's not completely horrible. It's like there some sort of peace to it. Maybe stemming from the idea that I can't refute the reasons stacked in the negatory. Because through all the melancholy I can be a cockeyed optimist. Or more like Fry, "You just have to keep hoping and cover your ears and say BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH". I'm still happy. All this hurts, but I'm still happy.
There are things I want to say, but I haven't figured out how to say them right or even if I should say them at all. I might not need to say them, if I can figure out if they're already out there.
We'll see what happens, on all fronts.
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