Oh foo.

I've got decisions to make. But it's waaay too early to make some of them. And scary. And I don't think I want to figure out that I have it in me just yet, because of implications. I need to read a few books, too.

Silver linings:

I found a lighter outside to give to Janee'. She likes them. I'll save it for the next time she's being the Sheridan DA.

I got my board done. :) "History of Halloween Haunts". Vampires, Werewolves, Frankenstein, Ghosts and Witches. And a lovely fall tree that took like a hundred leaf die cut outs to make. But I'm pretty happy with it. :) And I'm going to turn the tree from a red and orange and yellow deciduous tree into a snowy evergreen come Christmastime. With 'lights'. :D

Apparently both my Philosophy and Theology professors love me so much that they talk about me in their other classes. Which of course makes my head swell accordingly. And makes me really happy and gives me back a lovely substantial sense of self worth and academic merit. Hell yeah, Steinke's got game. The only downside is that it probably annoys the people in the other classes. Oh well.

I got to have dinner with Jed today. I haven't had a decent conversation with him since Dr. Hamel's class last semester. That was really good. He makes me think and laugh. I should do that more often. Dinner? or think and laugh?

All three.

Boulevard of Broken Songs

I remember hearing this song on the radio:

Click here for a link to a youtube video

Lyrics:

Includes lyrics from:
Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day
Wonderwall - Oasis
Writing to Reach You - Travis
Sing for the Moment - Eminem

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's only me and I walk alone
(Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you)

I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
(By now you shoulda somehow
Realised what you gotta do)

I walk alone, I walk alone
(I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now)
I walk alone, I walk ah..

My shadow's the only one
That walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only
Thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish
Someone out there will find me
Til then I walk alone

Everyday I wake up and it's Sunday
Whatever's in my eye won't go away
The radio is playing all the usual
What's a wonderwall anyway?

Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the borderline of the edge
And where I walk alone
(Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you)
Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
No, I'm still alive and I walk alone

(Today is gonna be the day that
they're gonna throw it back to you)
I walk alone, I walk alone
(By now you shoulda somehow
realised what you gotta do)
I walk alone, I walk ah..

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
All the lights that lead us there are blinding
There many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how

I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
(Today is gonna be the day that
They're gonna throw it back to you)
I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
(And by now you shoulda somehow
Realised what you gotta do)
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

(..cos maybe)My shadow's the only one
That walks beside me(You're gonna be the one that saves me)
My shallow heart's the only(You're gonna be the one that saves me)
Thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish
Someone out there will find me(You're gonna be the one that saves me)
Til then I walk alone

Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
Sing with me,just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away
[ Boulevard Of Broken Songs Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

While studying greek...

"Use me as you will, pull my strings just for a thrill
and I know I'll be okay, though my skies are turning gray..."

Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, "Your Guardian Angel"

Whoo!!! Yay for 93 greek vocab words. And spiritual dilemmas... and personal crises...

Gah. I wish things felt more like home here. Things are clinking, but not nearly as well as they did last year. I don't think I'm happy anymore. I need to figure out why.

Dreams!

Ever have one of those dreams where you swear it's real? You feel all the emotions, sense all the senses, only to wake up in a fuzz trying to distinguish reality from your subconscious. I always get the best sleep when I dream like that. But I hate waking up from it. I can never remember, for a few hours afterwards, what part of my morning was real and what part was just memories from my dream. Frustrating.

But now I have to finish a paper in half an hour.

yay rounds

Tonight was a fun rounds night. No incident reports got filed, but...

• I watched Across the Universe with Lissy (rounds buddy) and Andy. Yay for Beatles music.
• The back east door was unlocked and the sheridan lounge was locked, so we got to call Public Safety. They came up in two cars, Haines and Stackhouse, looking all official.
• At the end of the night Lissy and I busted like ten people out of various halls (boys aren't allowed on girls halls and girls aren't allowed on boys halls after a certain time). We saw this one girl walk out of a boy room, talk to us, and then go back in. We knocked on the door, but a different girl came out. Whoops. Oh well. We didn't document her or anything, and made nice.
• we had a RA 'convention' in the Sheridan Lobby. Janee' was a Desk Assistant, (and is a terrace RA), then Ally, Chase, and Adam came in (all in the terrace, too). Then Benitez called me. So we had like 6 RAs in the lobby, and got weird looks from some of the residents. But it was awesome. And Lissy and I got to listen to an episode of the Terrace RA Drama soap opera.
  
• Lissy and I talked to some baseball players (who were probably half drunk, at least) on our outside round of the building. Made nice with them, and that was pretty fun.

Apparently a lot of people think RAs are cliquy. We're not. It's just that pretty much no one else wants to hang out with us.

In the meantime, I'm going to bed, before I have to pretend I didn't hear any more male voices.

long shot

So...

I always start these with So. Huh.

I was talking to Nate this afternoon, and he told me that he talked to his boss (he's an RA too!) and found out that I could potentially get a job as a summer RA at Western. :D I'd be able to because I've lived on a campus for a year, and duh, have a year of RA experience. And would include an awesome letter of recommendation from Katherine. I'd just have to apply, get accepted and take a course up there. Which I could do: Intro to Logic. Which was on the summer course list for 2008, so it might be there for 2009. Based on the course description, there's a good chance it would count towards a phil major...and is only three credits, so that's only 400 bucks i'd have to cough up. Which is like my paycheck for spring semester...but yeah. :D And i'd get paid as an RA. And Western RAs get better benefits. And I wouldn't be in Camas, I'd get to be in B-ham, working at something I already know how to do (it seems like they do training pretty similarly, based on what Nate's told me) with people I know and meeting more fun people and yeah.

The class i'd take would be from like june 24th to august 1st, I think. So it's pretty good, i'd have about a month back home with my family, or so, maybe work a bit...hahaha. And then I'd go up for six weeks, and then be back in Cam-town for a couple weeks before I have to go back to maryland.

But heck, it's still september. This is all just a castle in the clouds. Lots of ifs. It's not a solid argument. But it might turn into something pretty cool. And worthwhile. And it'd be waaaaay better than anything like McDonalds or Taco Bell or Walmart or whatever. Well, maybe not walmart. But it'd help my resume. :-D When was the last time I could say I did something like that? :-D

little things.

Alicia and Mary just asked me want I wanted from Taco Bell. They're going on a run. I think a lot of people would say that this really shouldn't make me this happy. But seriously, I'm trying to find joy in the little things in life. And is this one of them? Heck yes! :-D Do I love my girls? Yes. But not because they're bringing me cheesy crunchy spicy melty goodness.

So the little things. I feel like I lost some things this year. Some crutches, maybe. I feel like I've been stripped and left naked, naked so the doctor and myself can finally see what's wrong with me, and heal me. Put me on a medication, diet and physical therapy program.

I think it's a gift I've been given, this ability to find joy in the little things. A sunny day, a cool breeze, perfect Washington weather in Maryland. Finally figuring out how to play that stupid 3/2 part in that piece in band. Someone holding a door, a smile, good food in Patriot, a conversation about nothing important with one of my residents during a fire drill. Figuring out how my texting works on my Brick. kudos from my peers and boss. Katherine being patient with me and not calling my slacking out. Reading and translating a phrase correctly in ancient greek. There's a bunch.

I don't have much direction right now. I feel like I'm down to my foundations, and will be built back up. I hate being so stripped. It's bewildering. I don't know what to do.

The only thing I can do is trust in Him, that He'll show me how to get built back up. even do it for me. Show me how to let Him.

Freaking TV

I'm watching Good Will Hunting for the first time. Perks of being antisocial and working on Plato homework instead.

But what really annoys me is how some commercials seem to turn the volume up on your tv. It's like they KNOW some people turn the volume down for commercials. It seems way too intrusive and annoying. And bugs me lots.

And now back to my regularly scheduled program.

A few sentences.

Some people are really mean.
Some people are pretty nice.
I hate paperwork.
My family needs help.
I might change my major.
Or my school.
Or might join a convent.
Or get married.
I love band.
I miss having chairs.
I wonder why people like to talk at me.
I like my hall, but it's not ideal.
I want some things to go away.
I want others to come back.
I really just want to hit the reset button and start over this year.
The future really scares me.
So I'd rather not think about it.
I like living in my college bubble.

No wonder they call it a storming year.

Real quick

So hmm...short bit.

I'm back to feeling depressed. Whoo! But some things are definitely capable of making me happy. So I don't know what that means. Prozac, maybe? Hormone treatments? Herbal remedies? Or just a plain old kick in the ass? Meh. I don't know.

I'm mainly just recording this so I can look back and say, "Ok, on this day I didn't feel too happy, and was quite tired, and wasn't that hungry." And had a few nasty thoughts, but those thoughts would never be turned into actions because I know for a fact that I've got people who care about me, and I care too much about them to make them that sad. So there.

Anywho, I'm going to bed. I've probably been sleeping too much lately. I should probably fix my diet (limit the caffiene and put more veggies in it), and maybe force myself to go running or clarineting every day.

Good night.

Guess what?

I'm back. Or, at least for now. And I decided this mini revelation deserved a blog entry, in light of all things considered. Because my last facebook note is far too fresh, and I don't know how long this is going to last. But this is what I've got.

For the last few days I've been a bum. I've been horribly depressed and lonely and pitiful. Most of it, I think, is probably valid. The way I rationalize it is that I'm adjusting to a new lifestyle, and grieving the faces I no longer see. Some of them are a continent away, others are a walk across campus. I had no motivation to do anything, to get anything done, to make an active effort to make thing better. Most of the reason was because I thought people should be doing that for me, making those efforts for me. I'm not proud of it. It's weak and pitiful. Sometimes we're all weak and pitiful. But if we never find something or have something light ourselves back on fire again, we'll die. I've been looking, halfheartedly, for a combination to relight that fire again. Maybe a nap, Finding Forrester, a phone call from mom, a knock on the door with a cafe run offer, and getting an appreciated dose of honesty was what finally did the trick. Or maybe I'll wake up tomorrow morning and feel just as shitty as I have been, on and off, since school started. Maybe it'll just last long enough for me to write my philosophy paper. Maybe I'll crap out halfway through. But at least for these few moments, I feel normal again. The fight's back.

I do have a problem with being lazy. I hate doing things for myself. It's much easier if they're handed to me, if other people make my decisions for me. Quite frankly it's how I've been living my life for a good few years. I don't know how to be alone; to be myself and be content with that. Satisfaction has always come from knowing that I was accepted by others, that someone was approving. But that won't work anymore, and it's been hard to accept. Change is difficult, and transition sucks. I've been blessed with being thrown into a situation where I now have to take a hard look at myself, and only I can choose in what direction I will walk.

So what is this? This is half an apology, half explanation. I admit that I haven't been doing what I can and maybe even should be to reach out and solve my problems myself. But I don't apologize for what I'm feeling. All of that, I believe, is still completely valid and my own. My actions in response to it...well, they are and were what they are and were. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've been feeling quite low these past few days, and haven't been able to kick the feeling. At least for tonight, I do feel a bit better, and I've found myself again.

If I'm to keep myself here, I think I have to keep writing and playing my music. Two things I know are purely me. Yeah, they don't suck, but they're nothing to applaud, either. I'm not going to be so egotistical and say that I'm a good writer. Or musician. Both of those judgments are relative, and from where I stand I've got a long way to go. But both of them, in their mediocrity, are me. And I'm learning not to care about where that compares to other people.

In light of this, I'm gonna say that I don't care what ya'll think about this entry. I'm not looking for comments (as if there's a chance that any of you are going to believe that sentence). So why bother posting? It's an exercise for myself, a concrete manifestation and proof of what's inside. On the other hand, I do like reading what other people think about my thoughts. It helps me see things from another angle. But whatever. I also feel like I have to tell people about this. I owe you guys an explanation or something. So here it is.

And now I'm going to procrastinate my phil paper some more.

Reflections on September 11

Or, proof that I'm a heartless gorgon.

~*~

To tell you the truth, I didn't even realize that tomorrow was Sept. 11th until about three minutes ago. Everyone says that they can remember where they were when they first heard about it. I was in the car with my mom, zooming up the road to the top of the hill to catch my bus (nearly late, like usual). I wasn't really listening to the radio, but my mom stopped and said, "Katelyn, we've been bombed!" It didn't really strike a chord in me. What does that mean? I knew that. People were dying, things were going to change. But what did that mean to me, my seventh grade self? Not much.

I think for my mom, it brought back memories of Vietnam, Korea, and other things. Or at least, stories of them. Her dad (rest in peace) was a retired marine. Plus she was in her early forties and had a few decades more of awareness and experience than I. All I really understood was that something big was happening on the east coast where all the important things are, and that today was going to be special.

When I got to school, all the kids were running around. Some were crying, a few were skipping around saying "we've been bombed! We've been bombed!". Mostly, though, people were talking, a bit scared and no one knew what was going to happen next. I had one friend with family working in NY. My first class was algebra (with the big scary ninth graders, none of my friends would ever accompany me down that hall), and Mrs. Tarnowski had the tv on, just like all the other teachers. By that time, the planes had all hit and people were trying to make sense of things. It was about 7:30 in the morning, so about 10:30 east coast time. We heard about the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and the Terrorists. I steeled myself into my "all right, so what are we going to do about it?" mind set. Panic never solved anything.

Over the next few days I saw Flags everywhere. The country music station that my mom and bus driver always listened to came out with patriotic songs. People who before blasphemed in the name of America were suddenly up in arms to defend her. It was a weird time. All of it was surreal. It wasn't really happening to me. Just to my country. Other people a few thousand miles away. Nobody I knew was hurt.

Over the years the new wave of patriotism slowly decreased. People got back to their lives. The world kept turning. Things went back to normal. Back home, on the west coast, I would venture that things are far closer to normal than they are on the east coast. I feel like one of the only things stopping most people from adding Sept. 11th jokes to the cavalcade of dead baby, racist, hellen keller, disgustingly off color jokes is respect for the fact that the east coast isn't as far along in the stages of grief. I've said it a million times, but the west coast and east coast are more like sisters than one nation. Yes, we're all part of the same American family. But there's a difference.

What really cemented the difference for me was a realization I had a few weeks ago. I felt safe on the west coast. What terrorist would be concerned with knocking out a few salmon, trees and mountains? The only time I ever felt any fear was when North Korea was bragging about missle capabilities, and I saw a map showing their presumed range. Portland, OR was definitely within it. For the first time I felt like if some guy in North Korea really felt like it, I'd be dead, along with my family and friends. And it seemed like, at the time, DC wasn't doing anything about it. But that passed, and so did the fear. That is, until I realized that I live in much closer proximity to places that terrorists really WOULD like to get their hands on, (or at least, throw some explosives at) for most of the year now. Welcome to the East Coast. I'm not to say that I'm living in fear, quite the contrary. But just that I have a...heightened sense... of the reality of things.

When I went to NY last year, I got to see Ground Zero. How weird it was, to think that so many people lost their lives there, that a huge structure had once stood in what's now a hole.

I guess for me, Sept. 11 never really affected me personally. Maybe that makes me cold and unfeeling, maybe that makes sense to some of you. There's no way I can possibly empathize. But I do still respect what it means for so many people, especially for so many of my friends here at school. Back home people openly discuss it, like a Pearl Harbor. Here, you don't bring it up unless you want to see people's eyes glaze over and bring back nightmarish memories. For myself, it comes down to respecting and sympathizing with my peers and fellow Americans, and doing my best to help commemorate the lives of those who died. Because even though I can't feel each one's specific absense, I can still remember them. I don't think you need anything more than the fact that they were innocent victims of a horrible terrorist attack to do that. I hope it's enough.

Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord,
And let perpetual light shine upon them.
May they rest in peace.
Amen.

Sad Day!

It's been a few days, and so I need to write another blog entry. And I haven't written a facebook note in a while, but I'm not entirely sure what I want to put in one just yet. So I write here.

I discovered Pandora.com. It's amazing. Make your own radio stations. It reminds me of the book "Feed" where companies sell stuff to you through a microchip in your brain that reads what you want. But this is music, and they aren't selling me anything, so it's not as creepy.

Spent last weekend in PA with Sio's family and Erica. Mushroom festival and Chadd's Ford days. Got to see a battle reenacted. :)

Hmm...I think I'll write more another day.

I'm kinda sad lately, feeling a bit depressed. But I think I'm on the up. Things will get better. I'm just spending a lot of time alone right now. But it won't last forever. I'm trying to not sweat the small stuff and find happiness in the small things.

Anywho. I'm gonna go work on some of my reading. And use my TV.

What just came up on my pandora station:

"signal Fire"

The perfect words never crossed my mind,
Cuz there was nothin' in there but you.
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me.
All I wanted just sped right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out.

[Chorus:]
There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close, cuz I need you to guide me to safety.

No, I don't want to wait forever [x2]

In the confusion and the aftermath,
You are my signal fire.
The only resolution and the only joy,
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes.

[Chorus (x2)]

No, I don't want to wait forever [x3]

I think too much

"God...keep him safe from screaming voices...They actually knelt down and prayed for me...Lord I won't cry over anything at all, over anything at all." --Blue October, "HRSA"

Yes, I think too much. Meh.

And I'm thinking about...stuff.

You know, if you never deal with something, it'll eventually come back and hit you. You'll have to deal with it eventually. And it sucks when it comes back. And people won't know why you're sad, because it's already been past the acceptable time to deal with it. But I'm sure that last notion is a figment of my imagination.

All the while I think about my future, and it scares me. The blankness scares me, the solitude scares me. I don't want to be alone. But I think I have to learn to be alone, in some sense.

My past is just that, past. I can't let go yet.

I don't laugh as much. I need to change that. Somehow.

Arg. But as it is, I get to go run around and be more busy. No more reflecting for the morning.