Sit with me, Lestat, just for a little while...

And here we are at another Sunday. Mass, lunch with Josh, Lacamas Park and the Camas Lilly Fields, Oscars, Frosties with Chad, new Postsecrets. And now let's commence the spontaneous and disjointed Facebook musings.

When I'm alone, my heart slowly and silently weeps for you.
...crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed dropping little reels of tape...

I've had Coldplay's "Fix You" stuck in my head all day.
...lights will guide you home...

I think Camas is becoming my favorite place on earth. As I realize this, I also am beginning to understand why I can't stay there, and how terrified I am of the uncertainty and changes that are likely to take place in my future. I can keep going, honest, I can, I can do it - as long as I have a few good pairs of arms to fall into when I get tired and worn. I'm just scared of it right now, alone, on my bed, in my room, in Camas.

I'm starting to see how dysfunctional my family is becoming in its own way. I also believe that hope is not lost for all to be mended. Times like these I praise God for my optimism. I really hope I do a good job with my kids. Really, really hope.

Lestat Lives. And the next Christ the Lord comes out March 4th. Praise God that Anne Rice is still alive and writing. Thing to do before I die #23: Meet Anne Rice before she dies. If Lestat were real...sometimes I'm not sure that I wouldn't ask him to change me.

I just killed a bug. It was tiny and looked like a yellow ladybug. It made a crunching sound. Like a potato chip. Or the clicky sound my laptop keys make.

After lunch with Josh I took a walk around Lacamas Lake and walked up to the Lilly Field. Or, where it is when they're blooming. It's one of the best stargazing spots in town. It's really not much. It's just special to me because I've been there at night with David and Chris and Nathan and Kayla and Chad and everyone. Illegally, mind you. But no one really is going to catch us, and we're not hurting anything, so no one really cares.

For the first time, I wish Camas and Emmitsburg weren't so far away. Really, really wish Washington and Maryland were closer. I wish my friends in my two worlds could meet each other, I wish I could see them all on breaks. I envy the kids that get to go home on weekends. I do suppose it was important for me to go so far to break the chains. But dang...I really wish I could have a family there. Yes, my college buddies have all become my surrogate family, and I really love them dearly. But there's still that line there. The line that goes away with time and experience. That might just be in my still slightly cautious mind, a mind that doesn't want to impose and overstay her welcome. The line that comes with the fact that remains, that I'm from Washington, that makes me different, and that I'm not really one of them. Yet? Wow that's depressing. Quite depressing. I think I need to take comfort in the fact that I'm beginning a new chapter, a new history there, and heck, I at least have Kayla. But it still makes me feel a bit empty. Not empty. Alone. Lonely. I know what it is. It's the fact that I don't fit completely with the east side yet, but that I'm getting separated from the west side at the same time. It's like I'm in the in between where I'm just a friend in one world and visiting relative in the other. The solid ground beneath me is shaking, and I pray that it doesn't open up beneath my feet to swallow me whole.

I love watching the Oscars. A big reason for it is because I love seeing the gowns the women wear. I think they're so pretty. I like to watch Olympic Figure Skating for similar reasons.

So let's see...feelings of apprehension, loneliness, uncertainty, awe, wonder, excitement, amusement, compassion...

Sounds like a typical day.