Another Wind

Good Evening, folks. I'm back with a few introspective musings. But first, a public service announcement:

My dad is joining the Church tomorrow. Prayers are appreciated. :-) Thanks.

Now back to me.

I've been an idiot on the edge of burnout. Let me explain. I have a 10 - 15 page curriculum for 9-11 grade teens due on Monday. On Tuesday I have a 6-8 page paper for Dr. Mitra due on how Austen challenges social norms in her novel, Northanger Abbey. I have a fairly decent start on the Curriculum, but thus far I've reacted crappily to Mitra's paper. Not only have I been skimping on the reading (I sorta got through North and South - why the heck is there not a single damn free study guide for that book online?), but my skimping happened to fall at the same time as her decision to reinstate reading quizzes. Lovely. Those didn't turn out well. I did a pretty good job on my part of the group project for Jane Eyre, though. Of course, on the last quiz, Mitra writes "your scores don't reflect your level of participation in class" - i.e., What gives?. THEN, I decide to put off my one page summary of my topic for my term paper (worth 25% of my grade), skip class the day it's due, forget/avoid meeting with her on the wednesday that I said I would, get the topic to her on thursday, have her call me out for not getting in touch with her in front of a bunch of juniors and seniors in the class, get told that she won't have time until Monday to meet and that won't do much good because the paper is due tuesday. So I've fallen from proverbial grace in the eyes of one of my profs, which ranks in the top 10, if not top five, things that I can't stand/handle/trigger icky feelings.

The verdict? Good job, Steinke. Now you have to work your ass off to write an amazing paper while sucking yourself up because there's no way in hell you can avoid Mitra forever, especially because you want to get an english minor and she teaches the Mod Civ section you want to get into. How about trying something out of character: Pick your ass up and move on and do good.

I got my multidraft on "Cruelty and Goodness" back today. Not only do I have a 100% on it, but I've got a 92 in the class. I was expecting a B in the class, so a 92 surprised me. And then just the fact that I got a 100...oh man, that feels sooo good. Yeah, it's a stupid multidraft. Yeah, it really doesn't mean much. But the fact that 100% still reigns as perfect in my mind from years ago. It's the first time in a long time that I really feel like I did a good job, a really good job on a paper. on pretty much anything. It's like hope that I can still be smart, still pull off high academic marks, that I didn't screw myself over when I decided to get friends and sacrifice some school. Yes, I'm so stupid and insecure that I need physical acknowledgment of my intelligence and ability. In fact, I may or may not be incredibly insecure about it, so I just don't try because I don't think I can do it anymore, so I end up half assing stuff. (fun fact: I even emailed a copy of the paper to my parents, that's how ridiculously proud of it I am. Yes, I'm acting like a 15 year old. So what?)

My curriculum will be ok. I just have to put the hours in it, and I think I still have time to get it all done. As long as I have enough caffiene in my system, I think I can do it and do it well.

Oh yes, back to my dad. He's joining the Church. Tomorrow. My mom called me at 8:35 this morning to tell me. Granted, most of the conversation consisted of her ranting about how everyone in the parish knows because our priest has a big mouth, but hey. My Lutheran dad is becoming Catholic. And I'm still in shock.

The fact that my parents were 'mixed' played a pretty significant part in who I am. It was the reason why I went to public school (which, although it may not seem like much, made a world of difference). I went to two churches until I was 12. It's why I try to respect prots. It's why I love apologetics. It taught me from day one that there are different opinions out there, and even if someone disagrees with you you can love them just as much as if they didn't. It sounds dumb, but I'm having a minor identity crisis. It feels like a part of my childhood is gone, and it's not coming back, that I'm growing up and the world and my life is changing, no matter what I do. You'd think that I don't mind change, I mean, I might as well have gone to another country for school. But I do. I find that some of the constants in my life are evolving or disappearing, and I'm scared that I don't have what it takes inside me to make it. I guess that's the overarching theme of all of this.

I really wish I could be there tomorrow.

I'd like to ask all of you, if you want, to say a quick prayer for my family.

So, I'm suffering from homesickness, burnout and self doubt.

You know, I think the key to being successful is self drive. But why do we all have to be successful? Can't some of us be failures? Why in the world should we all succeed? What makes me so special that I get to succeed? Get. There it is. Passive, not active. Why is it so damn hard for me to be active? I think I just have to find motivation. And I have, half way. Kevin's note. Which I recommend that lots of you read, btw. And I have this book, Chocolate for a Teen's heart, that I got for Christmas when I was 14. Good stuff. She's got a list of 25 things in there that I live by. Or try to. It's like, my mom's "Be kind!!!" is the Great Commandment, and Kay's tips for teens are the 25 commandments.

God I feel so weak in so many ways. I stress, i get tired, i sleep, i stress more....yeah. I just want a hug from my parents. So when you reach out, I don't resist, because something needs it. It's funny, the effect of human contact. Heh, I wanted desperately to just ask you for one for a couple days, but I couldn't, then you told me to cry, so I did, and the world got better.

I guess now, amidst the insanity, I'm just trying to find ways to fight it. It's not easy for me, coming back to pushing for it, and knowing exactly how easy things are when you just let it all slide and pretend not to care about anything.