But that was when I ruled the world

((From my facebook notes))

I'm recently addicted to that song, Viva la Vida by Coldplay. For some reason it strikes a chord in me and it's still ringing.

I've been wanting to bang out a note for a while. I feel like I have something to say, but I'm not sure what it is. I guess I've come to the point where I'll explode if I don't write something, and maybe update for all of you Mount loves who I pretend still take a look at these. ;)

When I got home from David's (we were watching Donnie Darko - good times), I stepped out of my car and looked up like I always do to look at the stars for a minute before I go inside. Tonight they're so clear, I can see so many. One of the best nights yet. It also reminded me of why I wanted to go work for NASA when I was in middle school. And that that dream died by the wayside thanks to the science department at Camas High School and a lack of self motivation and esteem on my part. Opening the fridge I thought about how all of my dreams from a few years ago have gotten terminally ill, and how it's too late for me to resurrect them. Pouring water over Ramen I thought about how I don't have any dreams to replace them, which gives me that empty feeling of pointlessness. And as I spilled hot soup on myself while climbing into bed I thought about the difference between feeling like this now and feeling like this back then is that I don't think about doing away with things, because I've got a few good friends I believe in and a future at school, where at least I'll have things to distract myself.

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. I guess there's no escaping it for me. In high school I knocked myself down so I could be content with being normal and not achieving great things, putting the ceiling in. I suspect that by doing so I may have already committed suicide.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm having the time of my life back here. When I'm with my friends my happiness rivals that when I'm at school. Saturday Market with Jess, Powell's, Rimsky's, Stargazing, hiking, getting all but accused of illegal shenanigans by Officer Dickerson, campfires, driving up to Bellingham and back in a day, frisbee, low key partying and late night conversations about the important stuff. My friends have finally diverged into two groups, split between the college kids and the high school ones. Which is mostly a good thing. And David's coming to visit for ten days in March, maybe Nathan too, and that'll be awesome. :) It's hard to think about August right now, though.

Being back here I'm starting to get that hindsight vision of who I'll be if I keep going as I am at school. And also an idea of how I want to tweak it. It's not much, or I should say, not much that's usable to the general public. I'm trying to see my introvertedness and my apparently lack of control over my emotions as something that's not a deficiency. I'll get back to you on how that works out. Currently I have the impression that who I am doesn't carry much value in the rest of the world, compared to others. I keep asking myself why my friends bother to keep me around. Heh, yeah, I know some of you have answers to that. Which is why I stick around.

But on to a less depressing topic for me.

On top of all these rotting carcasses of deficiency and dead dreams, my prospects of where I'm going to live after college has, of course, gotten harder. I'm realizing that I really do love Washington a lot, and if I had to choose right now I'd stay here. But I don't want to choose now. I've decided to leave it up to God, and where I get the best job. That way I have the illusion that it's out of my hands for now, thus I stop worrying.

"Hear Jerusalem bells a-ringing, Roman Calvary choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield, my missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain, I know St. Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
but that was when I ruled the world."

So there's hope for me yet. Goodnight everybody.