Guess what?

I'm back. Or, at least for now. And I decided this mini revelation deserved a blog entry, in light of all things considered. Because my last facebook note is far too fresh, and I don't know how long this is going to last. But this is what I've got.

For the last few days I've been a bum. I've been horribly depressed and lonely and pitiful. Most of it, I think, is probably valid. The way I rationalize it is that I'm adjusting to a new lifestyle, and grieving the faces I no longer see. Some of them are a continent away, others are a walk across campus. I had no motivation to do anything, to get anything done, to make an active effort to make thing better. Most of the reason was because I thought people should be doing that for me, making those efforts for me. I'm not proud of it. It's weak and pitiful. Sometimes we're all weak and pitiful. But if we never find something or have something light ourselves back on fire again, we'll die. I've been looking, halfheartedly, for a combination to relight that fire again. Maybe a nap, Finding Forrester, a phone call from mom, a knock on the door with a cafe run offer, and getting an appreciated dose of honesty was what finally did the trick. Or maybe I'll wake up tomorrow morning and feel just as shitty as I have been, on and off, since school started. Maybe it'll just last long enough for me to write my philosophy paper. Maybe I'll crap out halfway through. But at least for these few moments, I feel normal again. The fight's back.

I do have a problem with being lazy. I hate doing things for myself. It's much easier if they're handed to me, if other people make my decisions for me. Quite frankly it's how I've been living my life for a good few years. I don't know how to be alone; to be myself and be content with that. Satisfaction has always come from knowing that I was accepted by others, that someone was approving. But that won't work anymore, and it's been hard to accept. Change is difficult, and transition sucks. I've been blessed with being thrown into a situation where I now have to take a hard look at myself, and only I can choose in what direction I will walk.

So what is this? This is half an apology, half explanation. I admit that I haven't been doing what I can and maybe even should be to reach out and solve my problems myself. But I don't apologize for what I'm feeling. All of that, I believe, is still completely valid and my own. My actions in response to it...well, they are and were what they are and were. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've been feeling quite low these past few days, and haven't been able to kick the feeling. At least for tonight, I do feel a bit better, and I've found myself again.

If I'm to keep myself here, I think I have to keep writing and playing my music. Two things I know are purely me. Yeah, they don't suck, but they're nothing to applaud, either. I'm not going to be so egotistical and say that I'm a good writer. Or musician. Both of those judgments are relative, and from where I stand I've got a long way to go. But both of them, in their mediocrity, are me. And I'm learning not to care about where that compares to other people.

In light of this, I'm gonna say that I don't care what ya'll think about this entry. I'm not looking for comments (as if there's a chance that any of you are going to believe that sentence). So why bother posting? It's an exercise for myself, a concrete manifestation and proof of what's inside. On the other hand, I do like reading what other people think about my thoughts. It helps me see things from another angle. But whatever. I also feel like I have to tell people about this. I owe you guys an explanation or something. So here it is.

And now I'm going to procrastinate my phil paper some more.