Saturday, February 14, 2009

MIKA

I must seem bipolar from my blog posts. Haha.

I've been thinking. There are lots of different people I've come to know, especially in the past two years. Last year I met lots of people, and found acceptance. This year I've met a couple more, but also found rejection. Or at least, that's my mood at the moment. I keep thinking about how last year was a blast, and this year, not so much. I don't think it's possible for it to be as much fun, and for me to 'make good life decisions'. Right now is one of those times where I wish there was more to do on campus. Part of me wants to transfer somewhere right now. Maybe Catholic U, I dunno. The thing is, I love it here, but I'm also quite lonely and bored right now. I feel like things, everything, is deteriorating. But then again this could just be me being bored and mopey and insecure. Next year is going to have to be great. But it's so far away. Right now I just feel angsty and angry and frustrated and sad and annoyed and all of it.

Christ, I need to go on a retreat. All of this just throws me in a doubting mood. I know it'll pass. They always do. It's just tough to be in the middle of it all. God, I just feel so alone. And I'm not happy. I need to figure out what's going to make me happy.

...

Nope, a walk around the building didn't help. Gah. See, this is what drives people to go and party. It's the only thing you can do to avoid this mindset.

No one's got their door open, nothing good is on tv, it's too late to call my house, my friends are all busy...

...

Is it when I get like this that the truth comes out? Or is it just the Devil working at me? See, part of me won't let go of religion because of Pascal's wager. If it's right, I've got far too much to lose.

...

Sweet Jesus, I found the Princess Bride on TV. I'm saved. :)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

hang in there, sweetie. you're tough so you'll definitely make it through. plus people lloovvee you and don't you ever ever ever doubt it. <3