Rawr.

So like...yeah. Today sucks.

Mostly because I had my Greek Midterm and probably didn't pull a high enough number to pull my grade out of the gutter, and if I don't get it up just that wee bit my advisor's going to make me withdraw from it, forcing me to take a WHOLE extra year of a language, making my GPA suicide meaningless.

The good news? Umm....it's over, I guess.

I also have to write my major paper on descartes and/or Hume for Miller. But the good thing there is that enough people bitched and it got moved to wednesday. My 3 page busywork essay for science also got moved, to Sunday. So at least I've got more time on it.

Plus I'm still slightly tense from one of my catholic acquaintences reminding me of the fact that from a vocational viewpoint my relationship with my boyfriend is not only meaningless but harmful to both of us in the sense that we're just using each other and that my reasons for dating him aren't good enough. One should note that I'm definitely exaggerating this to some extent, and that although I don't hold it against my acquiantence (thank you, Kayla, for kindly reminding me that I really shouldn't), it's still a touchy issue with me. I really shouldn't get this hostile for this long about it, but seriously...I can't really help it, especially when I'm already over emotional to begin with this week. And seriously, why the heck does anyone even bother asking when obviously any justifying answer I give won't be 'good enough'.

See, the thing is I understand a lot of theology. But at the same time, my heart isn't in it to the same degree that my mind is, if that makes any sense. I'm trying to help my heart catch up to where my head is, and it's not happening overnight. The problem isn't that I don't understand the "theology" or reasoning or whatever behind everything, it's that I can't see how it goes into practice in the sense of really understanding it to the point of willingly embracing it.

Add this to the insecurity that I already have, worrying that I'm being seen as a lesser mortal because I'm not holy enough (oh, look, she's not as progressed as we are, obviously!), thinking that people condemn me behind my back just like I do in my own head. It's gotten better, really, it has. I'm figuring out how to let myself trust people's friendships more than I did before. These occaisional flairups suck, though.

So yeah. MEH.


AND I'm on rounds tonight. *sigh* Maybe that's a good thing...idk. But hey, I mean, days that suck like this really help make the better days seem that much better. Granted, there's also the fact that because I was so damn happy last year this year feels like a poor shadow of contentment...but I'll think about that later. The important this is that it WILL get better. Yes?

Sure. Why the hell not.