gr.

I miss him.

Yeah-yeah!!

Being Catholic is cool. I love being a rebel. :D

Look, I've Stepped in Bullshit.

That is what God would say if he read my paper. He knows that I didn't see that movie. That I read Derek and Kevin's papers to get ideas and details to make mine look legit.

I think I cheat because I don't see the apparent educational value in doing something the right way. Or, I just screw up and don't want to put the effort into doing things the right way.

Siobhan's never cheated. Good for her.

I was going to say something, but that thought's not good enough to be recorded. Something about Derek and feeling like my chances with him got diminished. Even though I just got a spoonful of reality. Nothing major. Oh look, I talked about it.

I read the Handmaid's Tale. Good book.

I watched Donnie Darko. Great movie.

I don't want to be here, in the Lounge writing my paper, refining another that was all right in the first place (Killing all my liberties with style and convention). Pulling the shit out of my ass and spreading it across the screen, only to be printed out neat and pretty in the morning.

I think they don't really care if you search yourself for what's there. Or, some of them don't care. They'll be satisfied with something pretty on paper. I can really tell that some of them care, though. That makes me care.

I want to be in Washington, I want to be back on the field with David.

I don't have to torture myself with this, I know this. But I choose to go there anyway. Why? Because it was nice. Because it may not happen again. Because I'm praying it will.

I always come back to this. Ah well.


I need discipline.

The Corpse Bride's Heart.

So, apparently this whole "closure" thing with my lust for David is harder than I thought. *sigh* It'll take time, I know. Love songs and scene bring it all back. Part of me likes the torture.

Siobhan, Car, Erica, Kayla, I. Second Sheridan North Posse. We're getting a name.

I can't believe a 200 year old school doesn't have any secret societies. LAME. Or it could be, as Siobhan puts it, they actually were smart and kept them secret. *shrug* Who knows.

Bought John a birthday card. I figure since I won't be there on his actual birthday, it's the least I can do. I should really start getting into the habit of doing that. If I send it Monday it should get there pretty darn close to his birthday. :)

I did laundry today for the first time since I got here. Not to bad, if I do say so myself. No pink underwear and socks.

Oh, did I mention that I love college?

I'm having a few worries about rooming with Kayla. But I don't think anything catastrophic will happen. But who knows?

I'm thinking about joining the Militia Immaculata.

I'm taking clarinet lessons. I love my teacher. Now I have to get used to practicing.

I will take over my section by fall break - this I am almost certain.

I'm thinking about being an RA next year. 1/4 off room and board, most likely a room to myself, a few RA duties...could be fun.

I'm thinking about being a theology major. But I still don't know what I want to do with my life yet. I need to figure that out by the end of next year.

But until then, Adieu.

My computer just gave me the fifteen minute warning signal.

Goodnight, my dears.

To the glory that was Greece....

So Rammstein turns out to be pretty good study music when I'm unbelievably pissed.

I made it to Maryland all right. My hallmates are amazing, my classes are all right.

At the moment I'm up at one twenty in the morning writing an outline of Pericles' Funeral Oration. Remind me why I did Honors Origins of the West?

It's been a week since I arrived, and I can see myself getting homesick on the horizon. I think about David everyday. I think I'm sick. Lovesick. I just keep replaying memories over and over again. I never said I wasn't masochistic. I really need to stop; it just makes things worse. I was reading some of my Skills for Ministry homework, and turned out to be a section on lonliness and solitude. How rampant lonliness is in our culture, how fake the togetherness is and how that perverted sense of community destroys us. More or less. The feelings of homesickness and lonliness can rushing to the forfront, and it hurts. Is this what he meant when he said he felt bad for leading me on? Did he know that I would torture myself so, and that he would hardly think of me? I check Facebook every few hours waiting for a message, anything. Will this ever fade away? I'm so utterly pathetic. Nothing will come from this, nothing. I keep clinging to this idea that we could be together when we're home...but I know that that won't happen. It won't work. And why should I be grieving for what I never had? I don't know if it ever will be, but I want it so. The memories are comforting, in a way. But lust is so inviting, so comforting. Maybe I just have to get used to being single again.

maybe he shouldn't have told me. But then I wouldn't have these memories. He won't think of me, he doesn't. God, if I only had a man's rationality and logic. And lack of prevalence of emotions. PMS doens't help, but it's not the main reason. It's like bolding and underlining it.

hell


h



e



l

l


Damn.


In other news, I love college.

sortof.


IT only happens at night, this lonliness.

Rammstein, be my friend.

His lips on mine....his arms intertwined with mine


Burn it. Burn the image, the feeling of his jacket, his hands, his lips. BURN.

I wanna go home.

So, I'm officially in Maryland. Granted, I'm in a hotel room, and can't officially move in until Sunday.

I really just want to get past this transition part where my parents are here "helping" me get adjusted. *spews* Yes, I'm glad there here, don't get me wrong. I just really want to go from before MD to going to classes and in the loop. I hate, hate, HATE this transition crap. And it doesn't help that I'm amazingly jet lagged and just lost three hours of my day. So, yes, it's 7 pm in WA, but here it's 10. Stupid.

yes, I'm cranky. Yes, I'm lonely and want my friends.


I want to go on a walk around Camas. I want someone older who's been through all of this to listen to my whining and give me a nice big hug and tell me that it's all going to be all right.

I guess I'll just have to content myself with reliving already worn out memories of previous starry summer nights. *sigh*


P.S. One thing I did notice, though. The stars here are just as good as those back home. There's still hope yet that it'll all turn out ok.

Proof. Of what? I'll get back to you on that.

I kissed David.

Three times.

Yes, I still have a boyfriend. Yes, he's only in name. But, yes, Lady Rain did indeed cheat on her boyfriend.

Once a cheater always a cheater? I'll get back to you on that.

So, I'll let you in on the gory details.

Walk one, before we let eachother know of our mutual feelings, we take a walk from his house to the lake park and back. It's nice, a bit weird, but nice all the same. I let him know that I definitely had feelings for him four years ago. But that was so painfully obvious, I'm sure he knew. We talk about how he doesn't feel like he is able to open up to a lot of people, I tell him that I'm always willing to listen. yeah, stars are beautiful that night, and we hug good bye.

One night we agree to go out for a walk around town after we both get off of work. We talk about stuff, things are nice. Mostly we discuss issues I've been having, most of the spiritual nature, some of the social nature and whatnot. It's just nice to be in each other's company. Hug good bye.

Friday. He gets off of work, I call him, we make plans to go on another walk. We walk around, the sky is clear, we head towards the stadium. The sky is clear again and the stars are beautiful. Again. It's shooting star season. We talk and stuff, and he comments on how it's cold. One thing leads to another and we're cuddling on the 20 yard line by the visitor's lockroom side. Booyah. He smells nice. Hug goodbye and yeah. Life's pretty good. Oh, and he says, "I'm glad the stars were out tonight." I melt.

Saturday, we make plans to go to the stadium to watch episodes of The Office on one of our laptops and the stars. Before things get going I get a call from Kayla. long story short, I end up leaving him and having a nice talk with kayla. We needed that anyway. He goes to a kegger and doesn't drink instead. Booyah. Not.

Sunday night, the last night we can see each other. I leave Friday morning for MD, he left today with his family and a good chunk of our friends to Mason Lake, a family camping spot 2.5 hours north. So the whole gang is over at David and his brothers' house, just goofing off and having a good time before we all go our separate ways until Christmas. Midnight rolls around, most people leave. Around 1am, it's just me, the brothers, and Nathan, my BF. Nathan is apparently spending the night there so he doesn't have to drive early in the morning; he lives a half hour away. I say goodbye to them and David talks about hanging out with some college buddies for a bit. I walk down the steps, and turn to go to my car, but wait a sec and pretend to be checking the messages on my cell. I was really just waiting for a chance to say goodbye to David in private. He walks down, we're behind the hedge, and he says "You got time for a walk?" I grin, and agree to a short one. My mom was already asleep, so there was no way she would get pissed about how late I stayed out. We end up taking both of our cars over to the stadium so that no one would be suspicious. We start walking around the track, talking out stuff about our future, and the technicality of Nathan's status. "In name only, though" and other things, mostly him telling me how I'm going to love college life. After a lap around the track we go out onto the green, over by the 20 yard line. Again. We talk about stuff, mostly leaving and all that jazz. And, of course, I couldn't turn down his "One last cuddle?" So yeah. we did for a bit. It makes me wonder what else happens on that field in the off season. :) We're walking back, arms around eachothers' waists, and he walks me over to my car. He gives me a hug. I say, "Well, I guess this is goodbye." And I go to give him a peck on the cheek, and he catches me halfway. I tell him that that was lame and we go for a good one. I say "wow", he says "hey, you initiated it, not me." We kiss again, I say "I'm breaking all the rules here" He laughs, hugs me tight and says "It never happened". We leave.

He might be coming home to visit the week I'm back in October. That would be epic. If not, that's okay, because we'll see each other at Christmas.

We're going to take things as they come, figure out what to do next as the moments present themselves. And I'm fine with that. For now we both agreed to just spend our time making out with drunk people at parties, because even if we don't drink it won't matter because the other people won't remember in the morning, anyway. :D Yeah, like that's going to happen.

I know it's cheating on nate, but I'm glad I did it. I gave me a bit of closure to that part of me that still likes him. Hell, I may love him. Only time will tell. I've waited four years for last night/this morning. I'm sure a few months will be a piece of cake. :) All I know is that anything really can happen, and that I'm never going to think of the 20 yard line the same way again.