Brainwashing has such a negative connotation.
I'm currently under construction, and brainwashing myself with music.
I think subliminal messaging is probably one of the causes of self image issues in girls. I'm a bit paranoid now. Thanks, Derek.
I'm not quite sure which way to go. I think I'm in the process of solidifying, at least, in some respects. Ha, I can feel my brain developing. My consciousness is different, I can tell. Yay. And my disposition.
I wanna write, but I'm seeing all these glaring deficiencies. They tell me that I've got a lot of work ahead of me. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I have the drive or maybe the ability. That it's too late, that I should be farther along. Ha, I'm contemplating putting this on Facebook.
Because you know what that means? Oh, I want encouragement. I'm not supposed to be weak, I'm supposed to be strong, and I'm going to get ridiculed if I show weakness. In one way or another. No one likes someone who constantly asks for it. One voice wants to say well, screw you all, yes, I apologize that I don't have enough security or personal drive or confidence to do everything on my own.
Maybe this is where God is supposed to come in for us Christians. Oh, where's David to give me a kick in the ass when I need it? Ha, right here, with "on distant shores". Thanks, you totally got me addicted to ska, btw.
Oh, but that whole department has always been a foreign concept to me. It's like fractions. I just don't get it (I get fractions now, but it took me FOR EV ER). I never figured out (or no one taught me) how to pray. What's a relationship with God supposed to be like? I think right now I'm sorta exploring the other side, which is hard because I've got a guilt complex preventing me from totally rebelling. But see, how can I confess sin that I intended to commit, and am not yet sorry for because it improved my understanding and is necessary?
I think I want to write a book about this stuff, when I figure it out. Spirituality for 'real' people, and Derek and Nick would say. Or just a spirituality book for people who aren't encased in their own little world, for the in between, for the kids who never did the big screw up or the ones who never were perfect. I dunno.
I'm coming up with ideas and drawing conclusions, and for the first time they're disagreeing with some of those closest to me. What, you mean it's ok for me to be my own person? Yeah, sure, I know, obvious, right? To society. But not to my society. I'm expanding and contracting and trying to figure all this out, like other people, so LAY OFF. Mostly I'm saying that to myself. Rationalizing and whatnot. Convincing. Brainwashing.
After getting tired of aiming high, I shot for mediocrity. How can I aim high again? I don't have dreams. My goals are: Graduate from college. Get decent paying job that I enjoy. Get married. Raise a family. Other than that I've got nothing. Oh yeah, just look at what you like to do, what do you want to do? I don't know. Well, figure it out. How? I can't tell you that. Gee, thanks.
You know what? I like comments, just because I like seeing what other people think of my thoughts. I like it. I'm interested in what they think. Whatever it is.
I can do anything I put my mind to. Except rise to the top echelon. Is it a self fulfilling prophesy? Maybe. Probably. But once this Yossarian figures out how run, I'll get out of the paradox.
Here's what I'm brainwashing myself with:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8p916axHYM
Ha, I did end up putting this on Facebook.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Samson
You are my sweetest downfall...I loved you first, I loved you first...
You know, I used to think Regina was talking about loving him before her. Before some other girl that he's with now. She's not, at least, not to me anymore. He's her first love.
Congratulations. College gave you a priceless learning experience, all in one. First love and loss.
...Oh I cut his hair myself one night, a pair of dull scissors in the yellow light, and he told that I'd done all right, and kissed me 'till the morning light, the morning light, and kissed me till the morning light...
Aww, Christ. Damn, I was so naive. Still am, really. Silly, silly girl, falling for a silly, silly boy. Now, if I want to do this properly, I'd lock myself in my room and cry for a few days. But I won't because there was no proper relationship. Woot yeah.
The thing is, he's no better than me. someday he'll figure it out.
So many assumptions, naive ultimatums...no boy will make me cry, if it's real it'll last forever, if it's real you'll see it lasting...oi. All I want to do is go off and get drunk. Forget him. i know I won't.
I want someone, anyone, else make me feel what he did. God it was good. God it was addictive. Wipe those eyes from my memory, that smile, that touch. Just like David, burn it. uhhhhhghhh.
What am I doing? Getting rid of my romantic love. My consolation: I can hang onto the fact that I can love him as one of my best friends. Sweet.
Eh, I can't talk to anyone about it. I could. But it's dumb. Nick's hurting enough, Andy's on the opposite end and hates him anyway so there's no way he'd be sympathetic. Der....yeah right.
Damn, and I thought I had it. Oh well. Go cry on the steps of Bradley.
Fool proof method as designed by me to get rid of him:
We'll see how this works. It should be better by the end of the summer. Done.
You know, I used to think Regina was talking about loving him before her. Before some other girl that he's with now. She's not, at least, not to me anymore. He's her first love.
Congratulations. College gave you a priceless learning experience, all in one. First love and loss.
...Oh I cut his hair myself one night, a pair of dull scissors in the yellow light, and he told that I'd done all right, and kissed me 'till the morning light, the morning light, and kissed me till the morning light...
Aww, Christ. Damn, I was so naive. Still am, really. Silly, silly girl, falling for a silly, silly boy. Now, if I want to do this properly, I'd lock myself in my room and cry for a few days. But I won't because there was no proper relationship. Woot yeah.
The thing is, he's no better than me. someday he'll figure it out.
So many assumptions, naive ultimatums...no boy will make me cry, if it's real it'll last forever, if it's real you'll see it lasting...oi. All I want to do is go off and get drunk. Forget him. i know I won't.
I want someone, anyone, else make me feel what he did. God it was good. God it was addictive. Wipe those eyes from my memory, that smile, that touch. Just like David, burn it. uhhhhhghhh.
What am I doing? Getting rid of my romantic love. My consolation: I can hang onto the fact that I can love him as one of my best friends. Sweet.
Eh, I can't talk to anyone about it. I could. But it's dumb. Nick's hurting enough, Andy's on the opposite end and hates him anyway so there's no way he'd be sympathetic. Der....yeah right.
Damn, and I thought I had it. Oh well. Go cry on the steps of Bradley.
Fool proof method as designed by me to get rid of him:
- Don't let yourself believe that it's possible. It's not. You were wrong.
- Don't listen to love songs at all costs. Listen to loss songs. Listen to country. Listen to power songs.
- Block his profiles. Use willpower. You don't care about what he's doing.
- Cry. Get mad. He's not worth your devotion or care.
- Distract yourself. Get a job. A hobby. Addictive internet websites. Friends
- Hang out with other people.
- Don't make excuses for him. He's got flaws, he doesn't feel the same way. That's just how it is.
- Laugh. Get other things to make you happy.
- Don't buy that pink sundress. In fact, don't buy any pink. Unless it's slutty lingerie.
We'll see how this works. It should be better by the end of the summer. Done.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Two Down, Six to Go
Dear Mount Family,
You changed my life. I’ll never forget it.
Love,
Steinke
P.S: I realized that I’m growing up. I’m a young adult in college, and my childhood is done. Sure, that doesn’t mean that I’m not going to have fun. Quite the contrary, I plan to have just as, if not more intense fun mixed with just as if not more intense responsibilities during these next few years. It’s a weird feeling, like a click inside me that I can’t control. Maybe it’s grace. Maybe it’s biology. Maybe it’s all in my head. Oh, and remember how I wrote a bunch of notes about being scared of losing stuff and not being able to make it work? Guess what everyone, I’m not scared anymore. I know I can do it, and it’s awesome. And simple. I think it has to do with the idea of home, or something similar. I’m getting closer to the point where I’ll be able to take home with me, at least for a while. Home is where I have people who love me. Meaning, all over a bunch of states. It’s kinda cool. Stepping off the plane in Washington, I breathed in the air and felt like I was purging something from my system. Weird, huh? I love it here, the atmosphere. But you know, I miss the birds during the day. Yes, I miss Maryland. I miss the Mount. I miss walking across campus for food, sleeping more in the Honors Lounge than in my bed, Mass at night on Sundays with Café afterwards, watching the world around me grow old and die and regenerate itself even more beautiful than before. Maybe it’s easier to miss the Mount because a bunch of things here at home are changing, too. It’s like my past is slowly dying, and only exists in my memory. Sure, it was bound to happen. But it’s weird to go through it.
P.P.S: So what else have I learned this semester? If we didn’t know what true friendship means, we do now. I can tell who my best friends are because they know more about my flaws and weaknesses than I would ever admit or even know about, and they love me anyway. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stay mad at my friends when they want to make things right. Age is just a number except for drinking and sex. In small, controlled amounts, alcohol won’t send you to hell. Neither will slackening the hold on your hormones. Always pick up your dry clothes, because the Mount WILL eat six pairs of jeans and two pairs of shorts (when I came to school I had ten pairs of jeans. Now I’m down to one. What gives?). Always talk things out, but sometimes it’s better not to argue or even express your opinion. The grade is worth the effort, but not much more. An A feels awesome, but a 100% still feels better. Procrastination will be the death of me, so I’m in rehab. My opinions on virtually everything are fluid, even though I’ll say otherwise to keep my pride. Rock climbing is awesome. No matter how old you are, band trips are amazing. Emphatic listening works. Care enough to ask. Put yourself on a shelf and give and give and give and take a Sabbath. When things get rough, taking a walk is a good idea, and there’s no harm in having it end breaking down on the steps of Bradley at 3am. I don’t have to tell you everything, but I have to let you in. Always keep at least enough perspective to ask your friends to beat some into you. Bleu Cheese rocks and veal is mean. Take some time to figure out your standards, and stick to them. Then, when it’s safe, reevaluate. God will give me no more than I can handle, I just have to choose to handle it. I don’t know where I’m going to end up after college. Afterwards, I may go days, weeks or months without thinking of you. But I will never forget you. I think there’s a difference. So for these next few years, let’s raise our glasses and live it up. It’s the one shot I’ve got to experience the college thing with all of you, and I couldn’t ask for better companions for the ride.
You changed my life. I’ll never forget it.
Love,
Steinke
P.S: I realized that I’m growing up. I’m a young adult in college, and my childhood is done. Sure, that doesn’t mean that I’m not going to have fun. Quite the contrary, I plan to have just as, if not more intense fun mixed with just as if not more intense responsibilities during these next few years. It’s a weird feeling, like a click inside me that I can’t control. Maybe it’s grace. Maybe it’s biology. Maybe it’s all in my head. Oh, and remember how I wrote a bunch of notes about being scared of losing stuff and not being able to make it work? Guess what everyone, I’m not scared anymore. I know I can do it, and it’s awesome. And simple. I think it has to do with the idea of home, or something similar. I’m getting closer to the point where I’ll be able to take home with me, at least for a while. Home is where I have people who love me. Meaning, all over a bunch of states. It’s kinda cool. Stepping off the plane in Washington, I breathed in the air and felt like I was purging something from my system. Weird, huh? I love it here, the atmosphere. But you know, I miss the birds during the day. Yes, I miss Maryland. I miss the Mount. I miss walking across campus for food, sleeping more in the Honors Lounge than in my bed, Mass at night on Sundays with Café afterwards, watching the world around me grow old and die and regenerate itself even more beautiful than before. Maybe it’s easier to miss the Mount because a bunch of things here at home are changing, too. It’s like my past is slowly dying, and only exists in my memory. Sure, it was bound to happen. But it’s weird to go through it.
P.P.S: So what else have I learned this semester? If we didn’t know what true friendship means, we do now. I can tell who my best friends are because they know more about my flaws and weaknesses than I would ever admit or even know about, and they love me anyway. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stay mad at my friends when they want to make things right. Age is just a number except for drinking and sex. In small, controlled amounts, alcohol won’t send you to hell. Neither will slackening the hold on your hormones. Always pick up your dry clothes, because the Mount WILL eat six pairs of jeans and two pairs of shorts (when I came to school I had ten pairs of jeans. Now I’m down to one. What gives?). Always talk things out, but sometimes it’s better not to argue or even express your opinion. The grade is worth the effort, but not much more. An A feels awesome, but a 100% still feels better. Procrastination will be the death of me, so I’m in rehab. My opinions on virtually everything are fluid, even though I’ll say otherwise to keep my pride. Rock climbing is awesome. No matter how old you are, band trips are amazing. Emphatic listening works. Care enough to ask. Put yourself on a shelf and give and give and give and take a Sabbath. When things get rough, taking a walk is a good idea, and there’s no harm in having it end breaking down on the steps of Bradley at 3am. I don’t have to tell you everything, but I have to let you in. Always keep at least enough perspective to ask your friends to beat some into you. Bleu Cheese rocks and veal is mean. Take some time to figure out your standards, and stick to them. Then, when it’s safe, reevaluate. God will give me no more than I can handle, I just have to choose to handle it. I don’t know where I’m going to end up after college. Afterwards, I may go days, weeks or months without thinking of you. But I will never forget you. I think there’s a difference. So for these next few years, let’s raise our glasses and live it up. It’s the one shot I’ve got to experience the college thing with all of you, and I couldn’t ask for better companions for the ride.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Another Wind
Good Evening, folks. I'm back with a few introspective musings. But first, a public service announcement:
My dad is joining the Church tomorrow. Prayers are appreciated. :-) Thanks.
Now back to me.
I've been an idiot on the edge of burnout. Let me explain. I have a 10 - 15 page curriculum for 9-11 grade teens due on Monday. On Tuesday I have a 6-8 page paper for Dr. Mitra due on how Austen challenges social norms in her novel, Northanger Abbey. I have a fairly decent start on the Curriculum, but thus far I've reacted crappily to Mitra's paper. Not only have I been skimping on the reading (I sorta got through North and South - why the heck is there not a single damn free study guide for that book online?), but my skimping happened to fall at the same time as her decision to reinstate reading quizzes. Lovely. Those didn't turn out well. I did a pretty good job on my part of the group project for Jane Eyre, though. Of course, on the last quiz, Mitra writes "your scores don't reflect your level of participation in class" - i.e., What gives?. THEN, I decide to put off my one page summary of my topic for my term paper (worth 25% of my grade), skip class the day it's due, forget/avoid meeting with her on the wednesday that I said I would, get the topic to her on thursday, have her call me out for not getting in touch with her in front of a bunch of juniors and seniors in the class, get told that she won't have time until Monday to meet and that won't do much good because the paper is due tuesday. So I've fallen from proverbial grace in the eyes of one of my profs, which ranks in the top 10, if not top five, things that I can't stand/handle/trigger icky feelings.
The verdict? Good job, Steinke. Now you have to work your ass off to write an amazing paper while sucking yourself up because there's no way in hell you can avoid Mitra forever, especially because you want to get an english minor and she teaches the Mod Civ section you want to get into. How about trying something out of character: Pick your ass up and move on and do good.
I got my multidraft on "Cruelty and Goodness" back today. Not only do I have a 100% on it, but I've got a 92 in the class. I was expecting a B in the class, so a 92 surprised me. And then just the fact that I got a 100...oh man, that feels sooo good. Yeah, it's a stupid multidraft. Yeah, it really doesn't mean much. But the fact that 100% still reigns as perfect in my mind from years ago. It's the first time in a long time that I really feel like I did a good job, a really good job on a paper. on pretty much anything. It's like hope that I can still be smart, still pull off high academic marks, that I didn't screw myself over when I decided to get friends and sacrifice some school. Yes, I'm so stupid and insecure that I need physical acknowledgment of my intelligence and ability. In fact, I may or may not be incredibly insecure about it, so I just don't try because I don't think I can do it anymore, so I end up half assing stuff. (fun fact: I even emailed a copy of the paper to my parents, that's how ridiculously proud of it I am. Yes, I'm acting like a 15 year old. So what?)
My curriculum will be ok. I just have to put the hours in it, and I think I still have time to get it all done. As long as I have enough caffiene in my system, I think I can do it and do it well.
Oh yes, back to my dad. He's joining the Church. Tomorrow. My mom called me at 8:35 this morning to tell me. Granted, most of the conversation consisted of her ranting about how everyone in the parish knows because our priest has a big mouth, but hey. My Lutheran dad is becoming Catholic. And I'm still in shock.
The fact that my parents were 'mixed' played a pretty significant part in who I am. It was the reason why I went to public school (which, although it may not seem like much, made a world of difference). I went to two churches until I was 12. It's why I try to respect prots. It's why I love apologetics. It taught me from day one that there are different opinions out there, and even if someone disagrees with you you can love them just as much as if they didn't. It sounds dumb, but I'm having a minor identity crisis. It feels like a part of my childhood is gone, and it's not coming back, that I'm growing up and the world and my life is changing, no matter what I do. You'd think that I don't mind change, I mean, I might as well have gone to another country for school. But I do. I find that some of the constants in my life are evolving or disappearing, and I'm scared that I don't have what it takes inside me to make it. I guess that's the overarching theme of all of this.
I really wish I could be there tomorrow.
I'd like to ask all of you, if you want, to say a quick prayer for my family.
So, I'm suffering from homesickness, burnout and self doubt.
You know, I think the key to being successful is self drive. But why do we all have to be successful? Can't some of us be failures? Why in the world should we all succeed? What makes me so special that I get to succeed? Get. There it is. Passive, not active. Why is it so damn hard for me to be active? I think I just have to find motivation. And I have, half way. Kevin's note. Which I recommend that lots of you read, btw. And I have this book, Chocolate for a Teen's heart, that I got for Christmas when I was 14. Good stuff. She's got a list of 25 things in there that I live by. Or try to. It's like, my mom's "Be kind!!!" is the Great Commandment, and Kay's tips for teens are the 25 commandments.
God I feel so weak in so many ways. I stress, i get tired, i sleep, i stress more....yeah. I just want a hug from my parents. So when you reach out, I don't resist, because something needs it. It's funny, the effect of human contact. Heh, I wanted desperately to just ask you for one for a couple days, but I couldn't, then you told me to cry, so I did, and the world got better.
I guess now, amidst the insanity, I'm just trying to find ways to fight it. It's not easy for me, coming back to pushing for it, and knowing exactly how easy things are when you just let it all slide and pretend not to care about anything.
My dad is joining the Church tomorrow. Prayers are appreciated. :-) Thanks.
Now back to me.
I've been an idiot on the edge of burnout. Let me explain. I have a 10 - 15 page curriculum for 9-11 grade teens due on Monday. On Tuesday I have a 6-8 page paper for Dr. Mitra due on how Austen challenges social norms in her novel, Northanger Abbey. I have a fairly decent start on the Curriculum, but thus far I've reacted crappily to Mitra's paper. Not only have I been skimping on the reading (I sorta got through North and South - why the heck is there not a single damn free study guide for that book online?), but my skimping happened to fall at the same time as her decision to reinstate reading quizzes. Lovely. Those didn't turn out well. I did a pretty good job on my part of the group project for Jane Eyre, though. Of course, on the last quiz, Mitra writes "your scores don't reflect your level of participation in class" - i.e., What gives?. THEN, I decide to put off my one page summary of my topic for my term paper (worth 25% of my grade), skip class the day it's due, forget/avoid meeting with her on the wednesday that I said I would, get the topic to her on thursday, have her call me out for not getting in touch with her in front of a bunch of juniors and seniors in the class, get told that she won't have time until Monday to meet and that won't do much good because the paper is due tuesday. So I've fallen from proverbial grace in the eyes of one of my profs, which ranks in the top 10, if not top five, things that I can't stand/handle/trigger icky feelings.
The verdict? Good job, Steinke. Now you have to work your ass off to write an amazing paper while sucking yourself up because there's no way in hell you can avoid Mitra forever, especially because you want to get an english minor and she teaches the Mod Civ section you want to get into. How about trying something out of character: Pick your ass up and move on and do good.
I got my multidraft on "Cruelty and Goodness" back today. Not only do I have a 100% on it, but I've got a 92 in the class. I was expecting a B in the class, so a 92 surprised me. And then just the fact that I got a 100...oh man, that feels sooo good. Yeah, it's a stupid multidraft. Yeah, it really doesn't mean much. But the fact that 100% still reigns as perfect in my mind from years ago. It's the first time in a long time that I really feel like I did a good job, a really good job on a paper. on pretty much anything. It's like hope that I can still be smart, still pull off high academic marks, that I didn't screw myself over when I decided to get friends and sacrifice some school. Yes, I'm so stupid and insecure that I need physical acknowledgment of my intelligence and ability. In fact, I may or may not be incredibly insecure about it, so I just don't try because I don't think I can do it anymore, so I end up half assing stuff. (fun fact: I even emailed a copy of the paper to my parents, that's how ridiculously proud of it I am. Yes, I'm acting like a 15 year old. So what?)
My curriculum will be ok. I just have to put the hours in it, and I think I still have time to get it all done. As long as I have enough caffiene in my system, I think I can do it and do it well.
Oh yes, back to my dad. He's joining the Church. Tomorrow. My mom called me at 8:35 this morning to tell me. Granted, most of the conversation consisted of her ranting about how everyone in the parish knows because our priest has a big mouth, but hey. My Lutheran dad is becoming Catholic. And I'm still in shock.
The fact that my parents were 'mixed' played a pretty significant part in who I am. It was the reason why I went to public school (which, although it may not seem like much, made a world of difference). I went to two churches until I was 12. It's why I try to respect prots. It's why I love apologetics. It taught me from day one that there are different opinions out there, and even if someone disagrees with you you can love them just as much as if they didn't. It sounds dumb, but I'm having a minor identity crisis. It feels like a part of my childhood is gone, and it's not coming back, that I'm growing up and the world and my life is changing, no matter what I do. You'd think that I don't mind change, I mean, I might as well have gone to another country for school. But I do. I find that some of the constants in my life are evolving or disappearing, and I'm scared that I don't have what it takes inside me to make it. I guess that's the overarching theme of all of this.
I really wish I could be there tomorrow.
I'd like to ask all of you, if you want, to say a quick prayer for my family.
So, I'm suffering from homesickness, burnout and self doubt.
You know, I think the key to being successful is self drive. But why do we all have to be successful? Can't some of us be failures? Why in the world should we all succeed? What makes me so special that I get to succeed? Get. There it is. Passive, not active. Why is it so damn hard for me to be active? I think I just have to find motivation. And I have, half way. Kevin's note. Which I recommend that lots of you read, btw. And I have this book, Chocolate for a Teen's heart, that I got for Christmas when I was 14. Good stuff. She's got a list of 25 things in there that I live by. Or try to. It's like, my mom's "Be kind!!!" is the Great Commandment, and Kay's tips for teens are the 25 commandments.
God I feel so weak in so many ways. I stress, i get tired, i sleep, i stress more....yeah. I just want a hug from my parents. So when you reach out, I don't resist, because something needs it. It's funny, the effect of human contact. Heh, I wanted desperately to just ask you for one for a couple days, but I couldn't, then you told me to cry, so I did, and the world got better.
I guess now, amidst the insanity, I'm just trying to find ways to fight it. It's not easy for me, coming back to pushing for it, and knowing exactly how easy things are when you just let it all slide and pretend not to care about anything.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
High of 75
So last night I was bitching about how it's supposed to be beautiful in good ole Maryland this time of year, and instead it's gray and cold. So to spite me, God decided to make it gorgeous today. And do you know what the best part is??? It's actually 75 degrees out.
After the last note, I think I owe some of you a follow up. But really, I really can't do it justice. So I'm going to let my other musical love, Reliant K, do the talking. It's absolutely perfect, every word of it. Rarely do I find that things match up so well.
"High of 75"
We were talking together
I said, "What's up with this weather?"
Don't know whether or not
How sad I just got
Was of my own volition
Or if I'm just missing the sun.
And tomorrow I know
Will be rainy at best,
And the forecast I know
Is that I'll be depressed,
But I'll wait outside
Hoping that I'll catch sight of the sun.
Because on and off,
The clouds have fought
For control over the sky
And lately the weather
Has been so bipolar
And consequently so have I
And now I'm sunny with a high of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light
And its funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive
And the temperature is freezing
And then after dark,
There's a cold front sweeping
In over my heart
And we might break up
If I don't wake up to the sun
Because on and off,
The clouds have fought
For control over the sky
And lately the weather
Has been so bipolar
And consequently so have I
And now I'm sunny with a high of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light
And its funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive
Sunny with a High of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light (made it light)
And its funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be...
Alive.
~*~
The song, with Cinderella clips, because it has an ok audio:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lb4l00vTwsU&feature=related
After the last note, I think I owe some of you a follow up. But really, I really can't do it justice. So I'm going to let my other musical love, Reliant K, do the talking. It's absolutely perfect, every word of it. Rarely do I find that things match up so well.
"High of 75"
We were talking together
I said, "What's up with this weather?"
Don't know whether or not
How sad I just got
Was of my own volition
Or if I'm just missing the sun.
And tomorrow I know
Will be rainy at best,
And the forecast I know
Is that I'll be depressed,
But I'll wait outside
Hoping that I'll catch sight of the sun.
Because on and off,
The clouds have fought
For control over the sky
And lately the weather
Has been so bipolar
And consequently so have I
And now I'm sunny with a high of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light
And its funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive
And the temperature is freezing
And then after dark,
There's a cold front sweeping
In over my heart
And we might break up
If I don't wake up to the sun
Because on and off,
The clouds have fought
For control over the sky
And lately the weather
Has been so bipolar
And consequently so have I
And now I'm sunny with a high of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light
And its funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive
Sunny with a High of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light (made it light)
And its funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be...
Alive.
~*~
The song, with Cinderella clips, because it has an ok audio:
http://www.youtube.com/wat
Monday, April 7, 2008
FOB be my Savior
Note: When I originally posted this on my Facebook, I ended up getting 14 comments meant to inspire and console me. Woot, people love me.
Darkness and light are but one.
Thus says Psalm 139.
It's hard to be optimistic when you want to quit. Fighting the emo gets hard after a while. I don't want to be happy, I don't want to love life, I don't want to see the beauty and the humor in it all.
It's at this point that I throw my eyes up to the heavens and ask God what the hell He thinks he's doing. But who am I to question the one I believe to be the very creator of the universe. Really, someone who has complete and total power over EVERYTHING. But it's my life, and it's the only thing I know, and it's the thing most precious to me. And He's screwing with it.
I see my blessings - they are infinite. Or see to be. I want them, I need them. I don't want to appreciate them. But I can do nothing other than that.
So I'm just going to sit here, shut up and listen to my music until I feel better.
...
Screw that.
I don't want to act, but I do. We all do. To not act would be selfish.
"Rejoice in the Lord always, I say it again, Rejoice!"
God clearly has not forsaken me. But I want things to change, I want people to change.
You guys, I'm a hypocrite, I'm a gossip and I lack integrity. I lie. Don't tell me that I'm amazing today, because today I'm taking a day off from being amazing and embracing the crappy part of me. I procrastinate and sometimes don't even do my homework. I lose things. I lead guys on only to just let them fall flat on their faces. I'm selfish; I'm going to use you and maybe abuse you. You know what? I LIKE it when you talk about me. Yeah, that's right. I enjoy the attention. I'll bite your head off if you argue with me, and refuse to see reason. I put my foot in my mouth all the time. And to top it all off I just LOVE to wallow in self pity.
You know what the best thing is? I'm not going to say what I really want to say. I won't throw that out here. Nope nope nope.
...
I feel a bit better.
I hate Mondays.
Darkness and light are but one.
Thus says Psalm 139.
It's hard to be optimistic when you want to quit. Fighting the emo gets hard after a while. I don't want to be happy, I don't want to love life, I don't want to see the beauty and the humor in it all.
It's at this point that I throw my eyes up to the heavens and ask God what the hell He thinks he's doing. But who am I to question the one I believe to be the very creator of the universe. Really, someone who has complete and total power over EVERYTHING. But it's my life, and it's the only thing I know, and it's the thing most precious to me. And He's screwing with it.
I see my blessings - they are infinite. Or see to be. I want them, I need them. I don't want to appreciate them. But I can do nothing other than that.
So I'm just going to sit here, shut up and listen to my music until I feel better.
...
Screw that.
I don't want to act, but I do. We all do. To not act would be selfish.
"Rejoice in the Lord always, I say it again, Rejoice!"
God clearly has not forsaken me. But I want things to change, I want people to change.
You guys, I'm a hypocrite, I'm a gossip and I lack integrity. I lie. Don't tell me that I'm amazing today, because today I'm taking a day off from being amazing and embracing the crappy part of me. I procrastinate and sometimes don't even do my homework. I lose things. I lead guys on only to just let them fall flat on their faces. I'm selfish; I'm going to use you and maybe abuse you. You know what? I LIKE it when you talk about me. Yeah, that's right. I enjoy the attention. I'll bite your head off if you argue with me, and refuse to see reason. I put my foot in my mouth all the time. And to top it all off I just LOVE to wallow in self pity.
You know what the best thing is? I'm not going to say what I really want to say. I won't throw that out here. Nope nope nope.
...
I feel a bit better.
I hate Mondays.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Bitch
Last night I broke his heart.
...
Shattered it, actually. I took what was given to me for safe keeping, and murdered it. I didn't want to. But something inside tells me it was the right thing to do.
Why does it hurt so much? Because I know the damage I did. I've seen the effects of what happens when other people do it. And I hate it. It's one of the cruelest things anyone can do.
I hope to God he'll be ok, eventually. I'm pretty sure he will be. I pray that some other woman will come along and heal him in ways I can't. Because he deserves that. He deserves more than what I can give him right now.
God tells me to love my friends. Am I doing this wrong?
...
So I said no. I said yes before, and that's the kicker. I said yes because i wanted it to be true. Because a tiny part of me could see it being true. But I know, that even if part of me felt that way, I would still feel the way I do for the other one, and that's not fair to him, and that not right. Whoever I love deserves all of me, not part of me.
The voices are silent. They don't know what to say. Or if they do, they don't bother. Silence.
I can't cry. It's all inside.
He forgave me. He said I love you and I forgive you. I still can't quite wrap my mind around it, but I accept it. I'm scared for what's going to come.
...
And now I get to finish my paper on Cruelty and Goodness. Oh God, please help me.
...
Shattered it, actually. I took what was given to me for safe keeping, and murdered it. I didn't want to. But something inside tells me it was the right thing to do.
Why does it hurt so much? Because I know the damage I did. I've seen the effects of what happens when other people do it. And I hate it. It's one of the cruelest things anyone can do.
I hope to God he'll be ok, eventually. I'm pretty sure he will be. I pray that some other woman will come along and heal him in ways I can't. Because he deserves that. He deserves more than what I can give him right now.
God tells me to love my friends. Am I doing this wrong?
...
So I said no. I said yes before, and that's the kicker. I said yes because i wanted it to be true. Because a tiny part of me could see it being true. But I know, that even if part of me felt that way, I would still feel the way I do for the other one, and that's not fair to him, and that not right. Whoever I love deserves all of me, not part of me.
The voices are silent. They don't know what to say. Or if they do, they don't bother. Silence.
I can't cry. It's all inside.
He forgave me. He said I love you and I forgive you. I still can't quite wrap my mind around it, but I accept it. I'm scared for what's going to come.
...
And now I get to finish my paper on Cruelty and Goodness. Oh God, please help me.
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