Why is it, that every. single. damned. time. anything like this happens I always end up hurting people? I can't get it right, ever. EVER. Honestly, the only thing that's stopping me from saying eff it all is the fact that I know that would hurt far more people.
David's being far kinder than I deserve, and I AM grateful for that. That he understands why I didn't want to say anything yet.
Why the bloody hell am I not allowed? What makes me so 'special' that I'm not allowed?
A voice in my head keeps telling me that all of you are judging me. Writing me off. Cutting me off, and might glance backward while I run off the cliff. But before splatter myself on the ground I'll get to feel what it's like to fly. Because maybe this bird's a penguin, no matter how cute they are they just aren't gonna fly.
And another voice says you aren't. That you all still love me.
In case you didn't notice, ladies and gentlemen, this is one of those moments when I don't want to be what I am.
God, I don't want to deal with this.
And now I move from angry voice to tired and desperately trying to be apathetic, but failing voice.
Whatever. It's my life. If I decide to fuck with it in ways that you all don't agree with, nobody's forcing you to stick around and be my friend. I'm too much of an idiot. Go ahead, leave. Nothing ever lasts forever, anyway, so if you please, just go ahead and prove that to me one more damned time.
And of course you all know I don't really believe that.
*sigh*
Look, honestly, this is just hard to deal with, it's been hard to deal with from the beginning, I've been struggling with it since the beginning. I don't know how long it would last, but I have a chance to see if it could, and I want to take that chance. There's a good possibility that I'll end up getting hurt in the end, but since when have I not gotten hurt in the end? And I've always kept a friendship through it. I'm not asking for your agreement, or even your support. You can give me the silent treatment when things go downhill (which always happens), and say "I told you so" to your heart's content after it dies. Just still love me.
And on top of all of this, this conversation is happening during the one week a month I have the least control of my emotions. So keep that in mind, please. Thanks. Much appreciated.
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Katelyn, dear-est facebook love and my bestie,
Ya gotta make your own decisions in life. You should think long and hard about the opinions of those whom you trust, but in the end... it's your decision. It always is.
Just remember, we only want what is best for you, what will make you happy. We're not out to get you.
I know you. You are an amazingly awesome person. And I love you dearly. And I just want what is best for you. You are a strong person. But it saddens me that you get to these "fuck it all" moods and then make decisions that aren't good for you. I know you're better than that. And I know you can be strong and make good decisions.
At any rate, that's about all I want to say here. I love you.
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