Beautiful Letdown

For those who believe in God no explanation is necessary. For those who do not believe in God, no explanation is possible.

That is engraved on a stone up at the Grotto, used for a lectern. That basically describes my faith. I can't explain to you, use a rationale like you would to explain yours. It's just a choice I made, to believe in this religion and worldview. My choice. I can't explain to you with reasons and arguments why I call myself Christian. I can explain why I call myself Catholic. But Christian? It's just faith, kids.

I grew up with it. I made the decision for Christianity multiple times over in my life. I made it when I went on a retreat coming into high school. I made it when I got confirmed. When I got older, especially coming out of high school and going into college, I really struggled with whether or not I would keep it. Was it really my decision, my choice, or was I still just going along with it? No difference externally, all the difference internally. So I came to be able to choose it for myself. It's not easy to be able to see yourself actively making the choice to go along with what's already been the norm in your life. I think I had to spend a little time outside it, going to Sunday mass but not being involved with many church activities my freshman year, making some bad life choices, so that I could feel what it was like to make the choice, to really see the separation with my blurry eyesight. Afterward, it was easier to recognize what making the choice was, and I was able to do so to go along with Christianity. Christians are made, not born. I think St. Jerome said that. It's so, so true.

Throughout my life I feel like I've gotten different messages from God. The first big one was Peace. An inner peace, a trust in God, a restful quiet within my soul that God's grace provided. The next one was Joy. Coming to the Mount, I didn't realize that I could be happy, joyful, all the time. I may or may not have a mild case of depression, but that's neither here nor there. Happiness rocks. Another one is Love. Love everyone, love always, love unconditionally, love purposefully...love Love. Lots of love. Compassion, caring, patience, listening, serving, giving, it all has to do with love. The next one? Holiness, I think. It's like God's giving me the option to 'level up' and I have to click on it. There's a lot that goes into that. Well, duh, the next level is always harder, more baddies, more you have to do on your end. But the reward is greater.

I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. As I said before, I feel like a lot has been taken away from me. But only in order for me to grow stronger in the right ways. I have confidence in God that that's what he's doing. Trust. It just really sucks sometimes.

I get frustrated when people judge me. It's like writing me off, only nicer. And writing me off is a nicer way of saying I don't matter, that I'm pointless. Oh yeah, I know, I hear the protestations from my imaginary audience. That's just how it works in my head. Deal with it. I'll meet you halfway, how bout? I won't take things so personally, and you pretend to not judge me.

Look, I have my own crosses to bear. And I'm trying to bear them. I'm also trying to remember that everyone else has their own, too. I've got crosses that probably none of you know about. Even myself, heh. I'll come to God in my own way. There is no right way. Sure, paths are better than others. I think the Catholic church is the best path, the surest way to heaven. Yes, I think some of you are wrong. But I still love you, and know that God loves you, and you've got your own faith road to walk, and if I want people to let me walk mine, then I should let you walk yours. Only God knows what's going on with each of us most completely.

I know I've got faults, a lot of them. I would like to think I'm the first to admit them. But just love me, ok? I know for a fact that if I hadn't had that love at other times in my life, I wouldn't be here. Staying up late talking all night in a dark room lit by the tv light, through all the hard times in my life, those nights kept me alive. For reals, yo. All I'm asking for is for some of you out there to do what you're already doing. Reiterating that I do need it. Maybe reminding myself of the fact that I do. And that I need people to lvoe in return.

But none of this is really going to change anything. Frankly, I'm just babbling out here in cyberspace, sorting through ideas in my own head as I go along. This is just a tool I like to use to sort through stuff, with the added benefit of other people potentially being able to add what they think of my ramblings.

All right. I"m going to stop writing for a while. Go poke around the internet, maybe watch some tv, maybe a movie. Or sleep. But lord knows I"ll get to do enough of that this week.

Goodnight everybody.