So I'm in a pondering mood this evening. I need to sift through some stuff. Cosmos to Citizen style. :) Dr. Conway would be proud.
There's the economy. Some experts say that we won't get into a depression. I think they're probably right. I think what might happen is a recession that lasts a long time instead. But then, I know nothing about the economy. As long as my dad keeps his job, I can still go to school here, and I don't need to worry about my life radically changing.
There's the election. I don't know who I'm voting for just yet. Who's the lesser of two evils? I'll get back to you on that.
Academia has been kind to me. I've found favor with my professors in my majors, theology and philosophy. Did I mention? I'm doubling with phil. See, because I actually want to get a good education. Which is what I'll get. And so far, I love my phil class. We've only done Plato so far, so we'll see how much I still love it when we get to the modern philosophers. But I find myself putting a lot of effort into my papers. We'll see what happens. Science is a perpetual purgatory. Not learning anything about physical science, but a lot about humility, patience, working with difficult people and communication. So I guess it's pretty good. Greek is...hard.
I'm a Why Catholic? leader. It's like little college youth group sessions. My darling Ms. Klunk and I present a little lesson about something, like the Beatitudes, and then lead a discussion. Bring in Bible passages and stuff. Provide food. Should be pretty good. And it doubles as another way for me to burn some of my free time while adding to my leadership opportunities by doing something I already love doing. Sweet deal, huh?
Being an RA is...being an RA. Yes, I'm still doing it next year (if you make me decide today). I think there's a strange sense of honor to it that's missing on a lot of college campuses...and in the lives of young people. Wow I sound old. Being an RA is one of the best things I did for myself. I still love my girls...even if they trash talk me behind my back and bring alcohol into my hall. Gah. I like making bulletin boards. I don't like hall programming. I hate having to make decisions in the grey area, having to choose between enforcing policy and keeping what little relationship I've fostered with some of my girls. Don't worry, I wasn't on duty, it's ok, it really was a gray area. I'm applying for the Terrace next year. Yeah, it'll be different than it is this year. Not as awesome. But it'll also make me a better RA. I hope. I've got a meeting with my boss tomorrow. My one on one. Hopefully I got all my programming points I need.
I think today was one of the best band rehearsals ever. We only had a few people, for various reasons, so we did sectionals. Oh man, what an awesome experience to look around and hear everyone caring. Not just see it, but hear it. Beautiful. Imperfect, unpolished. But definitely the reason why I need music as much as I need oxygen. And leading the sectional, maybe I could go for music ed. But I think I like playing with the people more, hearing Ellen's first clarinet start out then have me and the rest of my section come in with the counter melody and harmony, flute and then Hailey on the oboe with Jed's tenor with the bottom of the chords, molding the sound to soar and plunge...gah. There I go again getting all quixotic about it. But seriously, it's sweet.
There're my friends. Holy crap, they're crazy confusing dramatic and I somehow still love them. For once it's not me with the drama, but of course I hear all of it. I don't mind, at all. Well, most of it I don't mind. But I deal, don't worry, I love you all and I'd let you know if I needed space. I'm worried about some of you. Some of you are hurting people, I think because you're hurting too. Stop using people! The world needs more love, not more sex. You all should pray more too. Not that I'm one to talk. You all have legitimate troubles. And I'm glad that you finally believe that I'm an ok person still. Jeez. I'm still me. :) But heck...we'll all float on...
And now me.
I feel like I've got this weird sense of independence and leadership I didn't have last year. I read through some of my old aim logs from last year. Oh what a silly freshman I was. But this morning was the first time I thought of home as my parents' house. I've switched rooms with Jess, so my home within my home isn't mine anymore. Yeah, I know, it's just a room. But I've spent a lot of time in that spot, 12 years of nights and days. I remember when the house was being built, going up to that corner of the house, before all the drywall and insulation and carpet, and thinking that this was mine, all mine. And that roof outside my window, reading Lestat outside by the light of the sunset. But all things must pass. I'm not that kid anymore. Katelyn's growing up, going to college and became Steinke. I'm still getting used to this new person. So pardon me if I'm a bit awkward.
I'm also pondering some big important questions. I'll find answers someday.
I'm confused, and don't have inner peace. I think that if I confront what's inside I might break. I'm scared of all this change, I only know one that that is unchanging. And you'd think I'd be clinging harder to it. But no, of course not. Look at me, guys! No hands! Wha...wha...Whoops! There I go, falling down again. Is this what it's like to be a young adult? Constant turmoil, because you know that no one knows what the future is going to bring, because you're almost in control now, it's almost your turn to lead? Life was easier when I wasn't in charge. But easier doesn't mean better.
Man, the hedonist in me demands experience. The Catholic in me gives the hedonist a dirty look. And then I lock the two back in their separate rooms. They can duke it out later.
What's the meaning of it all? Why do I love? Why do people use? Why do I slack? Why do I simulataneously desire two opposing things?
Batter my heart, three-personed God...
We could be falling in love, you and I, or it could merely be the wine, the orchestra and the moonlight on the water. My theology professor said that. Dr. Collinge, the old slightly crazy guy. He says it's one of his favorite sentences he's written. Besides creating a beautiful picture in my imagination, I can see it meaning a lot of different things...different loves, 'loves'. Relationships, between both people and ideas. Reality and imagination. Reality and what we want. Or is there a difference? Does it even matter?
All you need is love.
You know, my future doesn't extend farther than my late twenties. It's like I'm trusting that everything will be figured out by then. These next ten years...these next five, really, are what I see. It's like when I was little, and I imagined being a teenager. I couldn't comprehend it in details, in reality. I imagined an ideal...and it all happened...but in the wildest way I could have never imagined, and not even a speck of the gloss I had thought. College has been a similar experience...with more gloss.
All right, I've written enough for the night.
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