Thoughts

My dear Reader, I don't think enough. Or at least, I feel as if for the last few...whatever...I've been taking a holiday from depth. I went out to find myself, to experiment a little and see what happens. Well, I had a recent revelation that I don't think I think as much as I both used to and should. So I'm changing back, in a way.

I've been trying to figure out, for at least since the beginning of this school year, what it all means. To be myself, to be Catholic, to be a woman, to be human. I'm fairly certain that I've grown up a lot this year, just within the past few months. Responsibility plus a healthy dose of temperance did that to me, I think.

Last year my goal was to break free and experiment with myself. Try on other people, other costumes like I hadn't been able to before. Success(?) came second semester. Drinking at school, making unwise decisions about how I spent my nights, leaving my faith behind in all but going to Sunday Mass and weekly Why Catholic? meetings. You can thank Benitez for twisting my arm into going to those. I would have dyed my hair teal if I had enough motivation to ask Carzoni or Siobhan for a ride to Walmart. But as it was, I didn't.

Over the summer I had a conversion back to...propriety? I can't think of a word that really encompasses it better. Thanks to my friends back home, including a lot from David, I realized that if I kept going in the direction that I was I would be miserable. And a drunken whore, but that's beside the point. You could say that I found my self worth again, and coming back to school I had a better idea of who I was going to be.

So what now? I want it all. I want all the benifits of being religious, an intellectual, a partier and different without any of the negative side affects. Haha, silly me. That's a walking oxymoron, moreover a paradox. Sorry dear. But let's sketch out something that might actually be plausible.

I'm Catholic. I'm becomming pretty darn Catholic, at my own pace. Or God's, but that's another blog entry. If I can grow in holiness while keeping my perspective on the world, an ability to meet people where they're at, I'll be happy. Catholic modesty plus a desire to be seen as desirable (because what woman doesn't get a kick out of being seen as desirable? Yes, I'm redundant.) creates a sometimes frustrating tension. But I think there are ways to make both sides happy, which leads me too...

I'm a lady, dammit. I should probably act a bit more like one. Haha, Steinke? A lady? Puleeze. Well, I should be able to act like one when I want to. I noticed that yesterday when I was in my khaki pants, red sweater, black business heels and brown peacoat (as opposed to sweats and jeans and whatnot), more people held doors and whatnot. And that's as it should be, I think. The biggest part of being a lady seems to me to be discipline, something that I've been struggling to crank up. Although, staying sober on campus has given me some ground. Along these lines, I'm a whole hearted supported of chivalry. I think it's nice, denotes respect, connotes discipline, and heck, it definitely makes a woman feel good. :-) But really, I think it's much, much better to be seen as potential (and eventual) wife material than skanky hoe material. Even if it does seem like a lot of fun to go be a skanky hoe. :)

I need to keep putting effort into school. This year I'm starting to realize again that I'm smart. I can understand things, which is why I love philosophy. I need to talk with people, have good conversations about all sorts of things, meet people who are different from me and spend time trying to understand them. I love to think. I'm going to keep doing it more. Although, it's definitely easy to get caught up with how busy I am (my gosh, you east coast lifestyle! how the heck do you do that all the time?), which is why today is my sabbath. I had breakfast with Andy and Balaban because I wanted to, then holed myself up in my room to sleep and watch half of Schindler's List because my internet wouldn't load anymore. Recharge, and spend time philosophizing like I used to at 2am in high school. Good times, eh Kayla?

So what now?

Good question.

I guess I'm going to go shower and shave and do all those things that the beauty product companies would like to say composes my "beauty ritual". HA! That terminology makes me laugh, it's so absurd. Then I'm going to start my laundry and clean my room (again...it never ends). Watch some TV, think some more, read some more too.

By the way, it's raining today. I absolutely love it when it rains here; it makes me so happy. I miss home. Not going back until Christmas might not have been a good short term decision. You know, I never really liked the rain before I came to college. But now it's a lovely remedy to my homesickness. It reminds me of the air that tastes like water, rich and cool and pure. Horizons that are covered with hills and snowtopped mountains and volcanoes in the distance. Green trees year round, woods and deer and bunnies and banana slugs. Chasing chickens and watching ducks and catching frogs and evil cats and a silly beagle. Idiot liberals and people who care and are kind and are genuine about it. Warm summers and starry nights and combing the astroturf out of my hair. I could go on about it forever, when I'm in this state. But I better not, if I want to stay happy.