So Rammstein turns out to be pretty good study music when I'm unbelievably pissed.
I made it to Maryland all right. My hallmates are amazing, my classes are all right.
At the moment I'm up at one twenty in the morning writing an outline of Pericles' Funeral Oration. Remind me why I did Honors Origins of the West?
It's been a week since I arrived, and I can see myself getting homesick on the horizon. I think about David everyday. I think I'm sick. Lovesick. I just keep replaying memories over and over again. I never said I wasn't masochistic. I really need to stop; it just makes things worse. I was reading some of my Skills for Ministry homework, and turned out to be a section on lonliness and solitude. How rampant lonliness is in our culture, how fake the togetherness is and how that perverted sense of community destroys us. More or less. The feelings of homesickness and lonliness can rushing to the forfront, and it hurts. Is this what he meant when he said he felt bad for leading me on? Did he know that I would torture myself so, and that he would hardly think of me? I check Facebook every few hours waiting for a message, anything. Will this ever fade away? I'm so utterly pathetic. Nothing will come from this, nothing. I keep clinging to this idea that we could be together when we're home...but I know that that won't happen. It won't work. And why should I be grieving for what I never had? I don't know if it ever will be, but I want it so. The memories are comforting, in a way. But lust is so inviting, so comforting. Maybe I just have to get used to being single again.
maybe he shouldn't have told me. But then I wouldn't have these memories. He won't think of me, he doesn't. God, if I only had a man's rationality and logic. And lack of prevalence of emotions. PMS doens't help, but it's not the main reason. It's like bolding and underlining it.
hell
h
e
l
l
Damn.
In other news, I love college.
sortof.
IT only happens at night, this lonliness.
Rammstein, be my friend.
His lips on mine....his arms intertwined with mine
Burn it. Burn the image, the feeling of his jacket, his hands, his lips. BURN.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
I wanna go home.
So, I'm officially in Maryland. Granted, I'm in a hotel room, and can't officially move in until Sunday.
I really just want to get past this transition part where my parents are here "helping" me get adjusted. *spews* Yes, I'm glad there here, don't get me wrong. I just really want to go from before MD to going to classes and in the loop. I hate, hate, HATE this transition crap. And it doesn't help that I'm amazingly jet lagged and just lost three hours of my day. So, yes, it's 7 pm in WA, but here it's 10. Stupid.
yes, I'm cranky. Yes, I'm lonely and want my friends.
I want to go on a walk around Camas. I want someone older who's been through all of this to listen to my whining and give me a nice big hug and tell me that it's all going to be all right.
I guess I'll just have to content myself with reliving already worn out memories of previous starry summer nights. *sigh*
P.S. One thing I did notice, though. The stars here are just as good as those back home. There's still hope yet that it'll all turn out ok.
I really just want to get past this transition part where my parents are here "helping" me get adjusted. *spews* Yes, I'm glad there here, don't get me wrong. I just really want to go from before MD to going to classes and in the loop. I hate, hate, HATE this transition crap. And it doesn't help that I'm amazingly jet lagged and just lost three hours of my day. So, yes, it's 7 pm in WA, but here it's 10. Stupid.
yes, I'm cranky. Yes, I'm lonely and want my friends.
I want to go on a walk around Camas. I want someone older who's been through all of this to listen to my whining and give me a nice big hug and tell me that it's all going to be all right.
I guess I'll just have to content myself with reliving already worn out memories of previous starry summer nights. *sigh*
P.S. One thing I did notice, though. The stars here are just as good as those back home. There's still hope yet that it'll all turn out ok.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Proof. Of what? I'll get back to you on that.
I kissed David.
Three times.
Yes, I still have a boyfriend. Yes, he's only in name. But, yes, Lady Rain did indeed cheat on her boyfriend.
Once a cheater always a cheater? I'll get back to you on that.
So, I'll let you in on the gory details.
Walk one, before we let eachother know of our mutual feelings, we take a walk from his house to the lake park and back. It's nice, a bit weird, but nice all the same. I let him know that I definitely had feelings for him four years ago. But that was so painfully obvious, I'm sure he knew. We talk about how he doesn't feel like he is able to open up to a lot of people, I tell him that I'm always willing to listen. yeah, stars are beautiful that night, and we hug good bye.
One night we agree to go out for a walk around town after we both get off of work. We talk about stuff, things are nice. Mostly we discuss issues I've been having, most of the spiritual nature, some of the social nature and whatnot. It's just nice to be in each other's company. Hug good bye.
Friday. He gets off of work, I call him, we make plans to go on another walk. We walk around, the sky is clear, we head towards the stadium. The sky is clear again and the stars are beautiful. Again. It's shooting star season. We talk and stuff, and he comments on how it's cold. One thing leads to another and we're cuddling on the 20 yard line by the visitor's lockroom side. Booyah. He smells nice. Hug goodbye and yeah. Life's pretty good. Oh, and he says, "I'm glad the stars were out tonight." I melt.
Saturday, we make plans to go to the stadium to watch episodes of The Office on one of our laptops and the stars. Before things get going I get a call from Kayla. long story short, I end up leaving him and having a nice talk with kayla. We needed that anyway. He goes to a kegger and doesn't drink instead. Booyah. Not.
Sunday night, the last night we can see each other. I leave Friday morning for MD, he left today with his family and a good chunk of our friends to Mason Lake, a family camping spot 2.5 hours north. So the whole gang is over at David and his brothers' house, just goofing off and having a good time before we all go our separate ways until Christmas. Midnight rolls around, most people leave. Around 1am, it's just me, the brothers, and Nathan, my BF. Nathan is apparently spending the night there so he doesn't have to drive early in the morning; he lives a half hour away. I say goodbye to them and David talks about hanging out with some college buddies for a bit. I walk down the steps, and turn to go to my car, but wait a sec and pretend to be checking the messages on my cell. I was really just waiting for a chance to say goodbye to David in private. He walks down, we're behind the hedge, and he says "You got time for a walk?" I grin, and agree to a short one. My mom was already asleep, so there was no way she would get pissed about how late I stayed out. We end up taking both of our cars over to the stadium so that no one would be suspicious. We start walking around the track, talking out stuff about our future, and the technicality of Nathan's status. "In name only, though" and other things, mostly him telling me how I'm going to love college life. After a lap around the track we go out onto the green, over by the 20 yard line. Again. We talk about stuff, mostly leaving and all that jazz. And, of course, I couldn't turn down his "One last cuddle?" So yeah. we did for a bit. It makes me wonder what else happens on that field in the off season. :) We're walking back, arms around eachothers' waists, and he walks me over to my car. He gives me a hug. I say, "Well, I guess this is goodbye." And I go to give him a peck on the cheek, and he catches me halfway. I tell him that that was lame and we go for a good one. I say "wow", he says "hey, you initiated it, not me." We kiss again, I say "I'm breaking all the rules here" He laughs, hugs me tight and says "It never happened". We leave.
He might be coming home to visit the week I'm back in October. That would be epic. If not, that's okay, because we'll see each other at Christmas.
We're going to take things as they come, figure out what to do next as the moments present themselves. And I'm fine with that. For now we both agreed to just spend our time making out with drunk people at parties, because even if we don't drink it won't matter because the other people won't remember in the morning, anyway. :D Yeah, like that's going to happen.
I know it's cheating on nate, but I'm glad I did it. I gave me a bit of closure to that part of me that still likes him. Hell, I may love him. Only time will tell. I've waited four years for last night/this morning. I'm sure a few months will be a piece of cake. :) All I know is that anything really can happen, and that I'm never going to think of the 20 yard line the same way again.
Three times.
Yes, I still have a boyfriend. Yes, he's only in name. But, yes, Lady Rain did indeed cheat on her boyfriend.
Once a cheater always a cheater? I'll get back to you on that.
So, I'll let you in on the gory details.
Walk one, before we let eachother know of our mutual feelings, we take a walk from his house to the lake park and back. It's nice, a bit weird, but nice all the same. I let him know that I definitely had feelings for him four years ago. But that was so painfully obvious, I'm sure he knew. We talk about how he doesn't feel like he is able to open up to a lot of people, I tell him that I'm always willing to listen. yeah, stars are beautiful that night, and we hug good bye.
One night we agree to go out for a walk around town after we both get off of work. We talk about stuff, things are nice. Mostly we discuss issues I've been having, most of the spiritual nature, some of the social nature and whatnot. It's just nice to be in each other's company. Hug good bye.
Friday. He gets off of work, I call him, we make plans to go on another walk. We walk around, the sky is clear, we head towards the stadium. The sky is clear again and the stars are beautiful. Again. It's shooting star season. We talk and stuff, and he comments on how it's cold. One thing leads to another and we're cuddling on the 20 yard line by the visitor's lockroom side. Booyah. He smells nice. Hug goodbye and yeah. Life's pretty good. Oh, and he says, "I'm glad the stars were out tonight." I melt.
Saturday, we make plans to go to the stadium to watch episodes of The Office on one of our laptops and the stars. Before things get going I get a call from Kayla. long story short, I end up leaving him and having a nice talk with kayla. We needed that anyway. He goes to a kegger and doesn't drink instead. Booyah. Not.
Sunday night, the last night we can see each other. I leave Friday morning for MD, he left today with his family and a good chunk of our friends to Mason Lake, a family camping spot 2.5 hours north. So the whole gang is over at David and his brothers' house, just goofing off and having a good time before we all go our separate ways until Christmas. Midnight rolls around, most people leave. Around 1am, it's just me, the brothers, and Nathan, my BF. Nathan is apparently spending the night there so he doesn't have to drive early in the morning; he lives a half hour away. I say goodbye to them and David talks about hanging out with some college buddies for a bit. I walk down the steps, and turn to go to my car, but wait a sec and pretend to be checking the messages on my cell. I was really just waiting for a chance to say goodbye to David in private. He walks down, we're behind the hedge, and he says "You got time for a walk?" I grin, and agree to a short one. My mom was already asleep, so there was no way she would get pissed about how late I stayed out. We end up taking both of our cars over to the stadium so that no one would be suspicious. We start walking around the track, talking out stuff about our future, and the technicality of Nathan's status. "In name only, though" and other things, mostly him telling me how I'm going to love college life. After a lap around the track we go out onto the green, over by the 20 yard line. Again. We talk about stuff, mostly leaving and all that jazz. And, of course, I couldn't turn down his "One last cuddle?" So yeah. we did for a bit. It makes me wonder what else happens on that field in the off season. :) We're walking back, arms around eachothers' waists, and he walks me over to my car. He gives me a hug. I say, "Well, I guess this is goodbye." And I go to give him a peck on the cheek, and he catches me halfway. I tell him that that was lame and we go for a good one. I say "wow", he says "hey, you initiated it, not me." We kiss again, I say "I'm breaking all the rules here" He laughs, hugs me tight and says "It never happened". We leave.
He might be coming home to visit the week I'm back in October. That would be epic. If not, that's okay, because we'll see each other at Christmas.
We're going to take things as they come, figure out what to do next as the moments present themselves. And I'm fine with that. For now we both agreed to just spend our time making out with drunk people at parties, because even if we don't drink it won't matter because the other people won't remember in the morning, anyway. :D Yeah, like that's going to happen.
I know it's cheating on nate, but I'm glad I did it. I gave me a bit of closure to that part of me that still likes him. Hell, I may love him. Only time will tell. I've waited four years for last night/this morning. I'm sure a few months will be a piece of cake. :) All I know is that anything really can happen, and that I'm never going to think of the 20 yard line the same way again.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Oh Jeez.
David told me that for the past few summers he's been meaning to ask me out, but something always got in the way. He tells me this as he's closing down Subway, right before he has to kick me out.
I think I'm going to die.
Ok, so what am I feeling, what am I feeling...
I've always liked him. But, I convinced myself that it would never happen, so I moved on to other people. But now that he's said this, it's all reawakened.
I think he's much better for me than Nathan. And I was all ready to let Nate go. But my problems:
1. I'm dating Nathan. My dating Nathan caused numerous issues for me this year, yet I seriously believe that it was a good experience for me in the end. We've been going for eight months. He works a lot, so we don't get to do a lot together. He's also an intensely private person, so I don't know what goes on in his head. He's an agnostic, for lack of a better classification, whereas I'm Catholic. We're both clarinetists, though. He's a great listener, a wonderful shoulder to cry on. And a romantic gentleman when he thinks about it. The thing is, our relationship has been on a downward spiral for a while now. I'm breaking up with him when I'm leaving for Maryland, which is why I didn't call it quits earlier. But tonight it seemed as if he finally realized that I really am leaving in less than two weeks.
2. I'm moving to Maryland. David will be in Washington, I in Maryland. The reason why I'm breaking it off with Nathan (mainly) is that I don't think it's fair to either of us to be tied to someone while we're starting this new chapter of our lives. So as much as I want to, I really can't see how I can justify trying to make a LDR work with David.
He's not a Catholic, but he IS a christian.
He's a music major, but he IS a musician.
He likes me, and I like him.
Because he's a Christian, a Christian who really is into his faith and respects my beliefs as a Catholic, I could see him as a possible potential husband. (Bonus points!!) My parents make it work, right?
LDR.
LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS DON'T WORK.
But Kristie and Justin make it work.
But they still have issues, and Kristie thinks she's really in love.
AArRGGg!
I think I shall sleep on this. And pray on it or something.
It's not like we're not going to still be friends. I have no danger of losing him, our friendship. So I should buck up, screw any thought of a LDR and check back in next summer, staying open with eachother in the meantime.
Right?
I think I'm going to die.
Ok, so what am I feeling, what am I feeling...
I've always liked him. But, I convinced myself that it would never happen, so I moved on to other people. But now that he's said this, it's all reawakened.
I think he's much better for me than Nathan. And I was all ready to let Nate go. But my problems:
1. I'm dating Nathan. My dating Nathan caused numerous issues for me this year, yet I seriously believe that it was a good experience for me in the end. We've been going for eight months. He works a lot, so we don't get to do a lot together. He's also an intensely private person, so I don't know what goes on in his head. He's an agnostic, for lack of a better classification, whereas I'm Catholic. We're both clarinetists, though. He's a great listener, a wonderful shoulder to cry on. And a romantic gentleman when he thinks about it. The thing is, our relationship has been on a downward spiral for a while now. I'm breaking up with him when I'm leaving for Maryland, which is why I didn't call it quits earlier. But tonight it seemed as if he finally realized that I really am leaving in less than two weeks.
2. I'm moving to Maryland. David will be in Washington, I in Maryland. The reason why I'm breaking it off with Nathan (mainly) is that I don't think it's fair to either of us to be tied to someone while we're starting this new chapter of our lives. So as much as I want to, I really can't see how I can justify trying to make a LDR work with David.
He's not a Catholic, but he IS a christian.
He's a music major, but he IS a musician.
He likes me, and I like him.
Because he's a Christian, a Christian who really is into his faith and respects my beliefs as a Catholic, I could see him as a possible potential husband. (Bonus points!!) My parents make it work, right?
LDR.
LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS DON'T WORK.
But Kristie and Justin make it work.
But they still have issues, and Kristie thinks she's really in love.
AArRGGg!
I think I shall sleep on this. And pray on it or something.
It's not like we're not going to still be friends. I have no danger of losing him, our friendship. So I should buck up, screw any thought of a LDR and check back in next summer, staying open with eachother in the meantime.
Right?
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
For the Best
So, in 15 days I will be moving to Maryland. I currently live in Washington. The state, that is. I've got mixed feelings about it, but I know it's for the best.
Someone told me that I'm the perfect woman. I do believe that he is in love with me. I've turned him down. I've got mixed feelings about it, but I know it's for the best.
Another man I know is catching my interest. But I have decided not to persue it. Yet. I've got mixed feelings about it, but I know it's for the best.
I'm in the process of ending my current romantic relationship. I've got mixed feelings about it, but I know it's for the best.
After a year I'm ending my current employment situation. I've got mixed feelings about it, but I know it's for the best.
I'll be rooming with my best friend in Maryland. I've got mixed feelings about it, but I know it's for the best.
I'm going to stop feigning insomnia. I've got mixed feelings about it, but I know it's for the best.
Someone told me that I'm the perfect woman. I do believe that he is in love with me. I've turned him down. I've got mixed feelings about it, but I know it's for the best.
Another man I know is catching my interest. But I have decided not to persue it. Yet. I've got mixed feelings about it, but I know it's for the best.
I'm in the process of ending my current romantic relationship. I've got mixed feelings about it, but I know it's for the best.
After a year I'm ending my current employment situation. I've got mixed feelings about it, but I know it's for the best.
I'll be rooming with my best friend in Maryland. I've got mixed feelings about it, but I know it's for the best.
I'm going to stop feigning insomnia. I've got mixed feelings about it, but I know it's for the best.
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