icky nasty

All right, I know most of my posts here have been surrounding things of the relationship nature, but I figure that doesn't matter too much.

I feel nasty. I won't go into too much detail, because I don't feel like taking this off my Facebook profile.

I'm a bit depressed and masochistic with a plummeting self worth. I feel a bit like I did in high school, at times. But the difference is that I know that I have people who love me, so that's keeping me from acting on any of my masochistic impulses.

I feel like a failure and a box of vice. Ghosts from before are coming back and giving me nightmares while i'm awake and haunting me. All I feel like I'm worth is to be a prostitute.

Well, see, the difference between this and last summer and the years before that is now I've got a huge beacon of hope, a life given to me by the Mount. They don't know about my past ghosts; they don't live there.

I'm in a big hole, and taking small steps to climb out, small victories.

I don't see why my friends bother to keep me around. I feel like the small victories aren't enough, that I'm not keeping up and just falling deeper and farther away from them while slowly taking two steps forward and one step back.

I look at myself and see weakness. Not worth anything. the disease, not the cure. I don't know how to work hard, and is it worth it to try and learn now, while I feel so far behind the learning curve?

needless to say, I don't like me right now, and I want to go leave, but I can't. I'm chained to me and I can't get free.

I guess unless I get to the higher level I want to be at, I'm gonna be fucking miserable.

Bah. I'm gonna go listen to music and maybe sleep.

Maddening

I don't think this will make it to Facebook. A tiny bit too personal, I think. Although, those of you who stalk this blog are of course welcome to read on. I know you're out there, lurking. :)

David comes home next week. Thus, my life will officially have made a 180 back to where it was.

This is so maddening, so maddening. So far this time home has felt like a dream. I'm just moving in a foggy space empty save for voices and shadows. But once he's home, things will come back to some semblance of normal. Why David, in particular? It feels like many things since my freshman year have been related to him. I had a cute little crush on him freshman year, sophomore year too, and then really felt his absence when he went to college. Band wasn't the same, it wasn't quite as much fun. But that summer he came back, and all of us went out and had fun. Senior year I was a mess, but that summer he came back and helped me sift through a lot of transition shit to college. More than anything I feel like he's a mentor to me. Even when he messed with my little naive head in early high school, he was a mentor, I assume without his knowledge. Adjusting to college was structured by how much I thought about him in the first few months, and then not at all for a while. But every so often we would talk online, and he'd offer me the perspective I needed. Or the kick in the ass. I love him a lot, platonic love of course. And next year he will be a senior, and this might be our last summer. If anything, I hope to be finally at his level. He always got it more than I did, was always a little bit farther along. It's hard for me to believe that we'll ever be equals. Maybe years down the road, if we meet up again.

But I can't think about the future too much right now. I makes me sad, deep inside. I've already had to say goodbye to so much of my childhood already.

But to carry on, he will be home and my life here will start living. Besides the frustration with not yet being able to find a job (whatever, it's my fault. Moving on...), I think one of the biggest things about my other life is that I think I found my first love, and now I get to kill it before it drives me mad. I know, I know, it sounds horribly, just utterly bogus and cliche. But hear me out. If you've experienced it before, you know what I'm talking about. If not, then really you can't get it.

See, I never thought I'd be one of those people who say, "You never forget your first love." because it always seems like that way part of you always loves them, and then you'll never be able to give yourself fully to anyone else. I guess I always believed that I'd be one of the lucky ones. Well, nope, sorry. Here's some life experience, go chew on it. I mean, yeah, it makes me understand more, and I guess it'll make me a more complex, deeper person with a capacity for a different kind of beauty in it. But I didn't want to be broken, damnit. I wanted...still want...everything to turn out perfect. No, it wont. Sorry babe, that's what happens. Looks like it might be the point in your life where you get to learn disappointment. But dear, remember what you already know: Life is a balance; the more pain you suffer the better the good will feel. And vice versa. More to lose, more to gain. Ever thought that there might be a reason why you get to be so damned happy there? Maybe it's because you're gonna have to deal with some tough stuff, some really tough stuff, and it all balances it out. You just have to go out and find that balance.

So now while I'm figuring out how to break what should and piece back what should, I still see the humor in it. Now the bar has been set even higher. Not only does it have to have all those lovely qualities that you can describe, but you've found something unquantifiable. Good for you, you know understand "Spark". And of course, you can't settle for anything less. You little high achiever you. Yes, dear, you know that there is a possibility of you getting together with Mr. Right. but if you do, he'll be a different person than he is now, and frankly so will you. So let it go, it won't be there anymore. Just like your childhood. Just like those summers.

And don't even think about any what ifs. David taught you that. So in the meantime, throw back your head and laugh with your friends. Live it up in as many ways as you know how. You have two lives now, girl, and this one more than deserves your time now. Give it a fair shot at winning your heart, and maybe you'll be able to let other things go.

Cruel Intentions

I wanted to watch it, but it's not on my usual site.

It's a bittersweet symphony, this life.

I retreat into myself and take a moment to indulge in the warm memories of a few moments of passion. It's probably not yet safe to do so, but it's close enough. Remembering the senses. Opening myself to see if there is any meaning to be gained from any of it. A lesson. Insight. Or if merely but to indulge.

With the venomous kiss you gave me I'm killing loneliness...

Sitting here, wrapped up warmly in myself, I look up to the night sky, and imagine that I see inky blue black pierced with millions of stars, instead of orange brown light reflecting off of grey clouds. I'm asking for answers, but not really wanting them. I'm too attached to the warmth I feel inside.

I could just go to sleep.

I need a mission statement. I need a manifesto.

I need direction.

.


I need sleep.