HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!
It's my favorite holiday. Always has been. Maybe it's because I'm a closet goth and love spooky things. And because it's in the middle of Fall, my favorite season.
I'm gonna be a witch, especially once I finish up hemming my costume today. I've also got rounds, so come stop by and say hello, because sadly, I can't leave Sheridan tonight. :-( Oh well, it'll probably help me make good life decisions.
WHOOOO!!!!!! :-D
Friday, October 31, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
A hope for home...
Ugh, I'm so tired, and I don't want to be. If I go to bed now, i can get ten hours.
Screw that.
*headdesk*
I should just fall asleep for a while, and wait for all of this to be over. Done with everything for a while, just get in my little badass spaceship and fly close to the speed of light so i can go forward in time. Yay Einstein. He's one of my heroes. :)
I really just want to go get obliterated, hook up with some guy and have a boatload of fun that I won't be able to remember in the morning. Morality sucks butt sometimes. Sad thing is, I have a pretty good idea where I could go do that. But I think I care too much to not care.
Maybe I'm reaching my breaking point. Or at least, this might be my way of flirting with the edge again. I seem to like to do that. I just want to...
There we go. Screamo Metal goodness makes things better.
Well, I am glad that people think highly enough of me, and care enough to let me know or give me a little kick.
But for now I'll just veg out to A Hope for Home.
Screw that.
*headdesk*
I should just fall asleep for a while, and wait for all of this to be over. Done with everything for a while, just get in my little badass spaceship and fly close to the speed of light so i can go forward in time. Yay Einstein. He's one of my heroes. :)
I really just want to go get obliterated, hook up with some guy and have a boatload of fun that I won't be able to remember in the morning. Morality sucks butt sometimes. Sad thing is, I have a pretty good idea where I could go do that. But I think I care too much to not care.
Maybe I'm reaching my breaking point. Or at least, this might be my way of flirting with the edge again. I seem to like to do that. I just want to...
There we go. Screamo Metal goodness makes things better.
Well, I am glad that people think highly enough of me, and care enough to let me know or give me a little kick.
But for now I'll just veg out to A Hope for Home.
"The race is on and here comes..."
Do you ever get the feeling where you do something, but then doubt it later and then worry extensively about whether or not it will blow up in your face? Yeah. I thought so.
But on a different note.
I feel incredibly busy lately. So much is happening, so much feels like it's converging on a single point (me, to be self centered). However, I still feel incredibly alive. Sprinting through life. It's like a runner's high. As long as I've got good friends who will let me stop and catch my breath, I'll be fine.
"....and the winner loses all."
But on a different note.
I feel incredibly busy lately. So much is happening, so much feels like it's converging on a single point (me, to be self centered). However, I still feel incredibly alive. Sprinting through life. It's like a runner's high. As long as I've got good friends who will let me stop and catch my breath, I'll be fine.
"....and the winner loses all."
Monday, October 27, 2008
Bittersweet Symphony
Hmm, yes, I feel bittersweet.
I'm having recollections of memories from last year, and the year before. I miss it, them.
I found the goodbye card the staff from 360 gave me while cleaning. Oh man, that was a trip. I'll have to stop in at Christmas and say hi. Plus I love their pizza. :) I want to show Dave and Joey that I'm not as much of the naive kid I once was.
Tony told a story in youth ministry that reminded me of Derek. That song, "Dig", by Incubus reminds me of him. I miss hanging out with him and Nick last year, staying up late in the honors lounge. Having conversations about life and everything in it, BSing homework. I miss it. I miss him, I miss how life was back then, the friendship and even the drama. I think about this time last year, what we were all doing...having a Saw marathon, back when all the crap started. Halloween...*shakes head* This year I'll be on rounds. Quite different from what I was doing to pass the night last year. I still care about him a lot. There are so many thoughts, memories...I liked the person he was when we were talking all night. I thought I saw some potential in him, but I guess what really matters are the choices people make. He went one way, I went another. Even last year when we were still pretty tight. I mean, sure, I was bitter...no wrath like a woman scorned, or something like that, right? But he still meant a lot to me, and he's still the only person that'll tell me that other people think I'm an ass or that I'm just whining or whatnot. I really, really wish we could be better friends this year. But I can't compromise some things...I guess I'm just left to doing what I can to show him that my door is always open, in case he ever changes his mind about his lifestyle. Until then, I'll bail him out when I can, or at least, give him a heads up. haha, good times. Oh well.
I'd just really like to have my friend back.
But no use reminising about the past if it won't help you in the future. But damn.
I'm having recollections of memories from last year, and the year before. I miss it, them.
I found the goodbye card the staff from 360 gave me while cleaning. Oh man, that was a trip. I'll have to stop in at Christmas and say hi. Plus I love their pizza. :) I want to show Dave and Joey that I'm not as much of the naive kid I once was.
Tony told a story in youth ministry that reminded me of Derek. That song, "Dig", by Incubus reminds me of him. I miss hanging out with him and Nick last year, staying up late in the honors lounge. Having conversations about life and everything in it, BSing homework. I miss it. I miss him, I miss how life was back then, the friendship and even the drama. I think about this time last year, what we were all doing...having a Saw marathon, back when all the crap started. Halloween...*shakes head* This year I'll be on rounds. Quite different from what I was doing to pass the night last year. I still care about him a lot. There are so many thoughts, memories...I liked the person he was when we were talking all night. I thought I saw some potential in him, but I guess what really matters are the choices people make. He went one way, I went another. Even last year when we were still pretty tight. I mean, sure, I was bitter...no wrath like a woman scorned, or something like that, right? But he still meant a lot to me, and he's still the only person that'll tell me that other people think I'm an ass or that I'm just whining or whatnot. I really, really wish we could be better friends this year. But I can't compromise some things...I guess I'm just left to doing what I can to show him that my door is always open, in case he ever changes his mind about his lifestyle. Until then, I'll bail him out when I can, or at least, give him a heads up. haha, good times. Oh well.
I'd just really like to have my friend back.
But no use reminising about the past if it won't help you in the future. But damn.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Renovations
New Layout.
Definitely a lot lighter than the old one, which in a way reminded me of staring off into a black hole of nothingness. Depressing.
So here we are. :-)
Definitely a lot lighter than the old one, which in a way reminded me of staring off into a black hole of nothingness. Depressing.
So here we are. :-)
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Thoughts
My dear Reader, I don't think enough. Or at least, I feel as if for the last few...whatever...I've been taking a holiday from depth. I went out to find myself, to experiment a little and see what happens. Well, I had a recent revelation that I don't think I think as much as I both used to and should. So I'm changing back, in a way.
I've been trying to figure out, for at least since the beginning of this school year, what it all means. To be myself, to be Catholic, to be a woman, to be human. I'm fairly certain that I've grown up a lot this year, just within the past few months. Responsibility plus a healthy dose of temperance did that to me, I think.
Last year my goal was to break free and experiment with myself. Try on other people, other costumes like I hadn't been able to before. Success(?) came second semester. Drinking at school, making unwise decisions about how I spent my nights, leaving my faith behind in all but going to Sunday Mass and weekly Why Catholic? meetings. You can thank Benitez for twisting my arm into going to those. I would have dyed my hair teal if I had enough motivation to ask Carzoni or Siobhan for a ride to Walmart. But as it was, I didn't.
Over the summer I had a conversion back to...propriety? I can't think of a word that really encompasses it better. Thanks to my friends back home, including a lot from David, I realized that if I kept going in the direction that I was I would be miserable. And a drunken whore, but that's beside the point. You could say that I found my self worth again, and coming back to school I had a better idea of who I was going to be.
So what now? I want it all. I want all the benifits of being religious, an intellectual, a partier and different without any of the negative side affects. Haha, silly me. That's a walking oxymoron, moreover a paradox. Sorry dear. But let's sketch out something that might actually be plausible.
I'm Catholic. I'm becomming pretty darn Catholic, at my own pace. Or God's, but that's another blog entry. If I can grow in holiness while keeping my perspective on the world, an ability to meet people where they're at, I'll be happy. Catholic modesty plus a desire to be seen as desirable (because what woman doesn't get a kick out of being seen as desirable? Yes, I'm redundant.) creates a sometimes frustrating tension. But I think there are ways to make both sides happy, which leads me too...
I'm a lady, dammit. I should probably act a bit more like one. Haha, Steinke? A lady? Puleeze. Well, I should be able to act like one when I want to. I noticed that yesterday when I was in my khaki pants, red sweater, black business heels and brown peacoat (as opposed to sweats and jeans and whatnot), more people held doors and whatnot. And that's as it should be, I think. The biggest part of being a lady seems to me to be discipline, something that I've been struggling to crank up. Although, staying sober on campus has given me some ground. Along these lines, I'm a whole hearted supported of chivalry. I think it's nice, denotes respect, connotes discipline, and heck, it definitely makes a woman feel good. :-) But really, I think it's much, much better to be seen as potential (and eventual) wife material than skanky hoe material. Even if it does seem like a lot of fun to go be a skanky hoe. :)
I need to keep putting effort into school. This year I'm starting to realize again that I'm smart. I can understand things, which is why I love philosophy. I need to talk with people, have good conversations about all sorts of things, meet people who are different from me and spend time trying to understand them. I love to think. I'm going to keep doing it more. Although, it's definitely easy to get caught up with how busy I am (my gosh, you east coast lifestyle! how the heck do you do that all the time?), which is why today is my sabbath. I had breakfast with Andy and Balaban because I wanted to, then holed myself up in my room to sleep and watch half of Schindler's List because my internet wouldn't load anymore. Recharge, and spend time philosophizing like I used to at 2am in high school. Good times, eh Kayla?
So what now?
Good question.
I guess I'm going to go shower and shave and do all those things that the beauty product companies would like to say composes my "beauty ritual". HA! That terminology makes me laugh, it's so absurd. Then I'm going to start my laundry and clean my room (again...it never ends). Watch some TV, think some more, read some more too.
By the way, it's raining today. I absolutely love it when it rains here; it makes me so happy. I miss home. Not going back until Christmas might not have been a good short term decision. You know, I never really liked the rain before I came to college. But now it's a lovely remedy to my homesickness. It reminds me of the air that tastes like water, rich and cool and pure. Horizons that are covered with hills and snowtopped mountains and volcanoes in the distance. Green trees year round, woods and deer and bunnies and banana slugs. Chasing chickens and watching ducks and catching frogs and evil cats and a silly beagle. Idiot liberals and people who care and are kind and are genuine about it. Warm summers and starry nights and combing the astroturf out of my hair. I could go on about it forever, when I'm in this state. But I better not, if I want to stay happy.
I've been trying to figure out, for at least since the beginning of this school year, what it all means. To be myself, to be Catholic, to be a woman, to be human. I'm fairly certain that I've grown up a lot this year, just within the past few months. Responsibility plus a healthy dose of temperance did that to me, I think.
Last year my goal was to break free and experiment with myself. Try on other people, other costumes like I hadn't been able to before. Success(?) came second semester. Drinking at school, making unwise decisions about how I spent my nights, leaving my faith behind in all but going to Sunday Mass and weekly Why Catholic? meetings. You can thank Benitez for twisting my arm into going to those. I would have dyed my hair teal if I had enough motivation to ask Carzoni or Siobhan for a ride to Walmart. But as it was, I didn't.
Over the summer I had a conversion back to...propriety? I can't think of a word that really encompasses it better. Thanks to my friends back home, including a lot from David, I realized that if I kept going in the direction that I was I would be miserable. And a drunken whore, but that's beside the point. You could say that I found my self worth again, and coming back to school I had a better idea of who I was going to be.
So what now? I want it all. I want all the benifits of being religious, an intellectual, a partier and different without any of the negative side affects. Haha, silly me. That's a walking oxymoron, moreover a paradox. Sorry dear. But let's sketch out something that might actually be plausible.
I'm Catholic. I'm becomming pretty darn Catholic, at my own pace. Or God's, but that's another blog entry. If I can grow in holiness while keeping my perspective on the world, an ability to meet people where they're at, I'll be happy. Catholic modesty plus a desire to be seen as desirable (because what woman doesn't get a kick out of being seen as desirable? Yes, I'm redundant.) creates a sometimes frustrating tension. But I think there are ways to make both sides happy, which leads me too...
I'm a lady, dammit. I should probably act a bit more like one. Haha, Steinke? A lady? Puleeze. Well, I should be able to act like one when I want to. I noticed that yesterday when I was in my khaki pants, red sweater, black business heels and brown peacoat (as opposed to sweats and jeans and whatnot), more people held doors and whatnot. And that's as it should be, I think. The biggest part of being a lady seems to me to be discipline, something that I've been struggling to crank up. Although, staying sober on campus has given me some ground. Along these lines, I'm a whole hearted supported of chivalry. I think it's nice, denotes respect, connotes discipline, and heck, it definitely makes a woman feel good. :-) But really, I think it's much, much better to be seen as potential (and eventual) wife material than skanky hoe material. Even if it does seem like a lot of fun to go be a skanky hoe. :)
I need to keep putting effort into school. This year I'm starting to realize again that I'm smart. I can understand things, which is why I love philosophy. I need to talk with people, have good conversations about all sorts of things, meet people who are different from me and spend time trying to understand them. I love to think. I'm going to keep doing it more. Although, it's definitely easy to get caught up with how busy I am (my gosh, you east coast lifestyle! how the heck do you do that all the time?), which is why today is my sabbath. I had breakfast with Andy and Balaban because I wanted to, then holed myself up in my room to sleep and watch half of Schindler's List because my internet wouldn't load anymore. Recharge, and spend time philosophizing like I used to at 2am in high school. Good times, eh Kayla?
So what now?
Good question.
I guess I'm going to go shower and shave and do all those things that the beauty product companies would like to say composes my "beauty ritual". HA! That terminology makes me laugh, it's so absurd. Then I'm going to start my laundry and clean my room (again...it never ends). Watch some TV, think some more, read some more too.
By the way, it's raining today. I absolutely love it when it rains here; it makes me so happy. I miss home. Not going back until Christmas might not have been a good short term decision. You know, I never really liked the rain before I came to college. But now it's a lovely remedy to my homesickness. It reminds me of the air that tastes like water, rich and cool and pure. Horizons that are covered with hills and snowtopped mountains and volcanoes in the distance. Green trees year round, woods and deer and bunnies and banana slugs. Chasing chickens and watching ducks and catching frogs and evil cats and a silly beagle. Idiot liberals and people who care and are kind and are genuine about it. Warm summers and starry nights and combing the astroturf out of my hair. I could go on about it forever, when I'm in this state. But I better not, if I want to stay happy.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Good Morning
I think I've seen more sunrises this week than I have in the past six months combined. That's because there's a window right at the head of the bed, and I don't bother closing the blinds. So the sun wakes me up. Sunrises must be good for the circadian rhythm. Usually I only see them when I either: A) Stayed up all night "studying" or B) Have to catch a 6am flight. Sunrises from an airplane are beautiful.
So, it's my last few hours of apartment sitting and babysitting Gabriel. Thanks to the rescuing of Benitez and his generous donation of two days of his time, I won't be going back to the Mount speaking cat. I do wish I lived closer, if anything so that I could show some of my Mount friends my life before college. Maybe the parents will meet some of them who are RAs at the end of the year. Bah. Makes me a little sad. But oh well, it's part of my tuition - the "Why the heck did you go so far away?" Package.
Speaking of packages, I still have to adjust my halloween costume a little. A few safety pins, maybe, and if I'm skilled enough with a needle a ribbon to sinch the waist a little. It's a black and green witch dres, with netting for sleeves and a corset-designed bodice. Hey, if I have to have rounds on Halloween, I might as well have a little fun with it.
I feel like I still have lots of work to do within the coming weeks. But really, I still do have enough time to do it. I think. I just have to plan it wisely and actually work hard. Bah. I don't like working hard. My lazy nature that likes things that naturally come to me hates it.
The weather is finally getting colder, and the leaves are thoroughly beautiful. I'll be breaking out the sweaters, and might go on a Walmart run to pick up some warmer clothes. Maybe mom and dad will fund one, since I couldn't go shopping at home during fall break? (I know you're reading, dad. :-] ) I've got my coat now, so I'll be fine for a while still.
Well, today I must put the place back in order, and repack all of my stuff, plus include the stuff I've bought. Just a few books. I have a nagging feeling that I may have rounds tonight. I don't think I do, it might be next Sunday. Oh well, I can check when I get back to the Mount, and if it comes down to it I can just leave mass early. As long as I sign in before 8:30 nobody will complain too much. Plus, what are people doing the Sunday they get back from break? All the homework they put off, just like me. I remember one time I had to write a multi-draft for freshmen seminar right after I had spent the whole day flying. That wasn't a fun all nighter. But I got it done. :)
All right. Time to clean and play with the kitty for a little bit.
So, it's my last few hours of apartment sitting and babysitting Gabriel. Thanks to the rescuing of Benitez and his generous donation of two days of his time, I won't be going back to the Mount speaking cat. I do wish I lived closer, if anything so that I could show some of my Mount friends my life before college. Maybe the parents will meet some of them who are RAs at the end of the year. Bah. Makes me a little sad. But oh well, it's part of my tuition - the "Why the heck did you go so far away?" Package.
Speaking of packages, I still have to adjust my halloween costume a little. A few safety pins, maybe, and if I'm skilled enough with a needle a ribbon to sinch the waist a little. It's a black and green witch dres, with netting for sleeves and a corset-designed bodice. Hey, if I have to have rounds on Halloween, I might as well have a little fun with it.
I feel like I still have lots of work to do within the coming weeks. But really, I still do have enough time to do it. I think. I just have to plan it wisely and actually work hard. Bah. I don't like working hard. My lazy nature that likes things that naturally come to me hates it.
The weather is finally getting colder, and the leaves are thoroughly beautiful. I'll be breaking out the sweaters, and might go on a Walmart run to pick up some warmer clothes. Maybe mom and dad will fund one, since I couldn't go shopping at home during fall break? (I know you're reading, dad. :-] ) I've got my coat now, so I'll be fine for a while still.
Well, today I must put the place back in order, and repack all of my stuff, plus include the stuff I've bought. Just a few books. I have a nagging feeling that I may have rounds tonight. I don't think I do, it might be next Sunday. Oh well, I can check when I get back to the Mount, and if it comes down to it I can just leave mass early. As long as I sign in before 8:30 nobody will complain too much. Plus, what are people doing the Sunday they get back from break? All the homework they put off, just like me. I remember one time I had to write a multi-draft for freshmen seminar right after I had spent the whole day flying. That wasn't a fun all nighter. But I got it done. :)
All right. Time to clean and play with the kitty for a little bit.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Today is...what day again?
Ha, all my days are mushing together. It's hard to keep it straight.
Sunday I ran. Monday I went to the store. Tuesday I ran. Wednesday I cleaned.
Maybe I am keeping it straight.
I did a little research for the debates I have to do for Philosophy. My position: We should change the drinking age to 18. Do I agree? Meh, doesn't matter. Although, I doubt anyone else in my group has gotten any research yet. I should talk to Derek about consolidating resources. He's doing the same position for the other class.
Tomorrow Benitez is coming by, and he's taking me on a tour of Frederick, with some shopping and maybe a movie or something. Ha, I don't care, as long as I can have some time out of the apartment. At first it seemed like the week was going to take forever; now it seems like it's going to go fast.
I'm watching the Fellowship of the Ring. I plan on getting through all three LOTR movies before Sunday. Shouldn't be too hard...
Yes, my life at the moment is full of pathetic and useless activities. Well, compared to what other parts of my life should consist of. Hmmm...I could be catching up on homework, or doing more research, or learning more Greek (I still feel like crap from that damned test), or working on my manuscript. Maybe I'll write it for NaNoWriMo. Although, it's not really a novel. Meh.
Sunday I ran. Monday I went to the store. Tuesday I ran. Wednesday I cleaned.
Maybe I am keeping it straight.
I did a little research for the debates I have to do for Philosophy. My position: We should change the drinking age to 18. Do I agree? Meh, doesn't matter. Although, I doubt anyone else in my group has gotten any research yet. I should talk to Derek about consolidating resources. He's doing the same position for the other class.
Tomorrow Benitez is coming by, and he's taking me on a tour of Frederick, with some shopping and maybe a movie or something. Ha, I don't care, as long as I can have some time out of the apartment. At first it seemed like the week was going to take forever; now it seems like it's going to go fast.
I'm watching the Fellowship of the Ring. I plan on getting through all three LOTR movies before Sunday. Shouldn't be too hard...
Yes, my life at the moment is full of pathetic and useless activities. Well, compared to what other parts of my life should consist of. Hmmm...I could be catching up on homework, or doing more research, or learning more Greek (I still feel like crap from that damned test), or working on my manuscript. Maybe I'll write it for NaNoWriMo. Although, it's not really a novel. Meh.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Day Uno
Day one of apartment sitting.
Well, first full day.
I woke up this morning at like 10:30. I watched a lot of tv today. Ate some cereal, eggs with salsa, and broccoli/cheese/potato frozen thing. The highlight was going for a run around the neighborhood and discovering a food store.
Fun stuff, eh? Kinda. I'm definitely glad for the break, the time alone away from the demands of the Mount. ut I do miss people, and really wish I had some people around. Family, or friends. Ah well. That's what the internet is for, I guess. But it really can't replace flesh.
Anywho, my eyes hurt a little. I don't know if it's from my computer, the tv, or something else. Meh.
When I was running "Independently Happy" by Blue October came on my ipod. I don't know if I'm as happy as I was last year. I don't think I am. But am I still happy? I'm not unhappy. I'm positive. Elated? Nope. But that's life. I guess. I dunno. I'm not sure about some things. But I guess I don't need to be - right?
Well, first full day.
I woke up this morning at like 10:30. I watched a lot of tv today. Ate some cereal, eggs with salsa, and broccoli/cheese/potato frozen thing. The highlight was going for a run around the neighborhood and discovering a food store.
Fun stuff, eh? Kinda. I'm definitely glad for the break, the time alone away from the demands of the Mount. ut I do miss people, and really wish I had some people around. Family, or friends. Ah well. That's what the internet is for, I guess. But it really can't replace flesh.
Anywho, my eyes hurt a little. I don't know if it's from my computer, the tv, or something else. Meh.
When I was running "Independently Happy" by Blue October came on my ipod. I don't know if I'm as happy as I was last year. I don't think I am. But am I still happy? I'm not unhappy. I'm positive. Elated? Nope. But that's life. I guess. I dunno. I'm not sure about some things. But I guess I don't need to be - right?
Friday, October 10, 2008
Beautiful Letdown
For those who believe in God no explanation is necessary. For those who do not believe in God, no explanation is possible.
That is engraved on a stone up at the Grotto, used for a lectern. That basically describes my faith. I can't explain to you, use a rationale like you would to explain yours. It's just a choice I made, to believe in this religion and worldview. My choice. I can't explain to you with reasons and arguments why I call myself Christian. I can explain why I call myself Catholic. But Christian? It's just faith, kids.
I grew up with it. I made the decision for Christianity multiple times over in my life. I made it when I went on a retreat coming into high school. I made it when I got confirmed. When I got older, especially coming out of high school and going into college, I really struggled with whether or not I would keep it. Was it really my decision, my choice, or was I still just going along with it? No difference externally, all the difference internally. So I came to be able to choose it for myself. It's not easy to be able to see yourself actively making the choice to go along with what's already been the norm in your life. I think I had to spend a little time outside it, going to Sunday mass but not being involved with many church activities my freshman year, making some bad life choices, so that I could feel what it was like to make the choice, to really see the separation with my blurry eyesight. Afterward, it was easier to recognize what making the choice was, and I was able to do so to go along with Christianity. Christians are made, not born. I think St. Jerome said that. It's so, so true.
Throughout my life I feel like I've gotten different messages from God. The first big one was Peace. An inner peace, a trust in God, a restful quiet within my soul that God's grace provided. The next one was Joy. Coming to the Mount, I didn't realize that I could be happy, joyful, all the time. I may or may not have a mild case of depression, but that's neither here nor there. Happiness rocks. Another one is Love. Love everyone, love always, love unconditionally, love purposefully...love Love. Lots of love. Compassion, caring, patience, listening, serving, giving, it all has to do with love. The next one? Holiness, I think. It's like God's giving me the option to 'level up' and I have to click on it. There's a lot that goes into that. Well, duh, the next level is always harder, more baddies, more you have to do on your end. But the reward is greater.
I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. As I said before, I feel like a lot has been taken away from me. But only in order for me to grow stronger in the right ways. I have confidence in God that that's what he's doing. Trust. It just really sucks sometimes.
I get frustrated when people judge me. It's like writing me off, only nicer. And writing me off is a nicer way of saying I don't matter, that I'm pointless. Oh yeah, I know, I hear the protestations from my imaginary audience. That's just how it works in my head. Deal with it. I'll meet you halfway, how bout? I won't take things so personally, and you pretend to not judge me.
Look, I have my own crosses to bear. And I'm trying to bear them. I'm also trying to remember that everyone else has their own, too. I've got crosses that probably none of you know about. Even myself, heh. I'll come to God in my own way. There is no right way. Sure, paths are better than others. I think the Catholic church is the best path, the surest way to heaven. Yes, I think some of you are wrong. But I still love you, and know that God loves you, and you've got your own faith road to walk, and if I want people to let me walk mine, then I should let you walk yours. Only God knows what's going on with each of us most completely.
I know I've got faults, a lot of them. I would like to think I'm the first to admit them. But just love me, ok? I know for a fact that if I hadn't had that love at other times in my life, I wouldn't be here. Staying up late talking all night in a dark room lit by the tv light, through all the hard times in my life, those nights kept me alive. For reals, yo. All I'm asking for is for some of you out there to do what you're already doing. Reiterating that I do need it. Maybe reminding myself of the fact that I do. And that I need people to lvoe in return.
But none of this is really going to change anything. Frankly, I'm just babbling out here in cyberspace, sorting through ideas in my own head as I go along. This is just a tool I like to use to sort through stuff, with the added benefit of other people potentially being able to add what they think of my ramblings.
All right. I"m going to stop writing for a while. Go poke around the internet, maybe watch some tv, maybe a movie. Or sleep. But lord knows I"ll get to do enough of that this week.
Goodnight everybody.
That is engraved on a stone up at the Grotto, used for a lectern. That basically describes my faith. I can't explain to you, use a rationale like you would to explain yours. It's just a choice I made, to believe in this religion and worldview. My choice. I can't explain to you with reasons and arguments why I call myself Christian. I can explain why I call myself Catholic. But Christian? It's just faith, kids.
I grew up with it. I made the decision for Christianity multiple times over in my life. I made it when I went on a retreat coming into high school. I made it when I got confirmed. When I got older, especially coming out of high school and going into college, I really struggled with whether or not I would keep it. Was it really my decision, my choice, or was I still just going along with it? No difference externally, all the difference internally. So I came to be able to choose it for myself. It's not easy to be able to see yourself actively making the choice to go along with what's already been the norm in your life. I think I had to spend a little time outside it, going to Sunday mass but not being involved with many church activities my freshman year, making some bad life choices, so that I could feel what it was like to make the choice, to really see the separation with my blurry eyesight. Afterward, it was easier to recognize what making the choice was, and I was able to do so to go along with Christianity. Christians are made, not born. I think St. Jerome said that. It's so, so true.
Throughout my life I feel like I've gotten different messages from God. The first big one was Peace. An inner peace, a trust in God, a restful quiet within my soul that God's grace provided. The next one was Joy. Coming to the Mount, I didn't realize that I could be happy, joyful, all the time. I may or may not have a mild case of depression, but that's neither here nor there. Happiness rocks. Another one is Love. Love everyone, love always, love unconditionally, love purposefully...love Love. Lots of love. Compassion, caring, patience, listening, serving, giving, it all has to do with love. The next one? Holiness, I think. It's like God's giving me the option to 'level up' and I have to click on it. There's a lot that goes into that. Well, duh, the next level is always harder, more baddies, more you have to do on your end. But the reward is greater.
I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. As I said before, I feel like a lot has been taken away from me. But only in order for me to grow stronger in the right ways. I have confidence in God that that's what he's doing. Trust. It just really sucks sometimes.
I get frustrated when people judge me. It's like writing me off, only nicer. And writing me off is a nicer way of saying I don't matter, that I'm pointless. Oh yeah, I know, I hear the protestations from my imaginary audience. That's just how it works in my head. Deal with it. I'll meet you halfway, how bout? I won't take things so personally, and you pretend to not judge me.
Look, I have my own crosses to bear. And I'm trying to bear them. I'm also trying to remember that everyone else has their own, too. I've got crosses that probably none of you know about. Even myself, heh. I'll come to God in my own way. There is no right way. Sure, paths are better than others. I think the Catholic church is the best path, the surest way to heaven. Yes, I think some of you are wrong. But I still love you, and know that God loves you, and you've got your own faith road to walk, and if I want people to let me walk mine, then I should let you walk yours. Only God knows what's going on with each of us most completely.
I know I've got faults, a lot of them. I would like to think I'm the first to admit them. But just love me, ok? I know for a fact that if I hadn't had that love at other times in my life, I wouldn't be here. Staying up late talking all night in a dark room lit by the tv light, through all the hard times in my life, those nights kept me alive. For reals, yo. All I'm asking for is for some of you out there to do what you're already doing. Reiterating that I do need it. Maybe reminding myself of the fact that I do. And that I need people to lvoe in return.
But none of this is really going to change anything. Frankly, I'm just babbling out here in cyberspace, sorting through ideas in my own head as I go along. This is just a tool I like to use to sort through stuff, with the added benefit of other people potentially being able to add what they think of my ramblings.
All right. I"m going to stop writing for a while. Go poke around the internet, maybe watch some tv, maybe a movie. Or sleep. But lord knows I"ll get to do enough of that this week.
Goodnight everybody.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Before my Greek class
A quick word.
First Why Catholic? meeting yesterday. We discussed the Beatitudes. I need more grace to do this right. But it's sooo exciting. :) More on that later. Maybe.
The Young German Symphony Orchestra is playing at my school tonight. And the Marian Symposium starts. The Symposium is a collection of speakers talking about different ways Mary relates to the Church and whatnot. Just different talks about Mary from SUPER SMART people. Like, nationally and worldly renowned speakers. Oh, and I get to welcome the Orchestra when they arrive and help them set up. *dusts off Deutsch* :)
I get to babysit my band director's kitty and apartment sit for her next week. It should be fun, an apartment and kitty to myself. :) A nice break from things. And Benitez said he might be able to visit me towards the end of it. It's probably a good thing I'm apartment sitting. I think i'm finally coming down with whatever sickness is going through Sheridan. I woke up this morning, and my sinuses didn't. :P Curse my family and their sinus problems!
But I shall write more later. I'm thinky, to use Jed's word, and want to write more later.
Tschus, my dears.
First Why Catholic? meeting yesterday. We discussed the Beatitudes. I need more grace to do this right. But it's sooo exciting. :) More on that later. Maybe.
The Young German Symphony Orchestra is playing at my school tonight. And the Marian Symposium starts. The Symposium is a collection of speakers talking about different ways Mary relates to the Church and whatnot. Just different talks about Mary from SUPER SMART people. Like, nationally and worldly renowned speakers. Oh, and I get to welcome the Orchestra when they arrive and help them set up. *dusts off Deutsch* :)
I get to babysit my band director's kitty and apartment sit for her next week. It should be fun, an apartment and kitty to myself. :) A nice break from things. And Benitez said he might be able to visit me towards the end of it. It's probably a good thing I'm apartment sitting. I think i'm finally coming down with whatever sickness is going through Sheridan. I woke up this morning, and my sinuses didn't. :P Curse my family and their sinus problems!
But I shall write more later. I'm thinky, to use Jed's word, and want to write more later.
Tschus, my dears.
Monday, October 6, 2008
While watching MTVU because the Mount canceled the classical channel...
So I'm in a pondering mood this evening. I need to sift through some stuff. Cosmos to Citizen style. :) Dr. Conway would be proud.
There's the economy. Some experts say that we won't get into a depression. I think they're probably right. I think what might happen is a recession that lasts a long time instead. But then, I know nothing about the economy. As long as my dad keeps his job, I can still go to school here, and I don't need to worry about my life radically changing.
There's the election. I don't know who I'm voting for just yet. Who's the lesser of two evils? I'll get back to you on that.
Academia has been kind to me. I've found favor with my professors in my majors, theology and philosophy. Did I mention? I'm doubling with phil. See, because I actually want to get a good education. Which is what I'll get. And so far, I love my phil class. We've only done Plato so far, so we'll see how much I still love it when we get to the modern philosophers. But I find myself putting a lot of effort into my papers. We'll see what happens. Science is a perpetual purgatory. Not learning anything about physical science, but a lot about humility, patience, working with difficult people and communication. So I guess it's pretty good. Greek is...hard.
I'm a Why Catholic? leader. It's like little college youth group sessions. My darling Ms. Klunk and I present a little lesson about something, like the Beatitudes, and then lead a discussion. Bring in Bible passages and stuff. Provide food. Should be pretty good. And it doubles as another way for me to burn some of my free time while adding to my leadership opportunities by doing something I already love doing. Sweet deal, huh?
Being an RA is...being an RA. Yes, I'm still doing it next year (if you make me decide today). I think there's a strange sense of honor to it that's missing on a lot of college campuses...and in the lives of young people. Wow I sound old. Being an RA is one of the best things I did for myself. I still love my girls...even if they trash talk me behind my back and bring alcohol into my hall. Gah. I like making bulletin boards. I don't like hall programming. I hate having to make decisions in the grey area, having to choose between enforcing policy and keeping what little relationship I've fostered with some of my girls. Don't worry, I wasn't on duty, it's ok, it really was a gray area. I'm applying for the Terrace next year. Yeah, it'll be different than it is this year. Not as awesome. But it'll also make me a better RA. I hope. I've got a meeting with my boss tomorrow. My one on one. Hopefully I got all my programming points I need.
I think today was one of the best band rehearsals ever. We only had a few people, for various reasons, so we did sectionals. Oh man, what an awesome experience to look around and hear everyone caring. Not just see it, but hear it. Beautiful. Imperfect, unpolished. But definitely the reason why I need music as much as I need oxygen. And leading the sectional, maybe I could go for music ed. But I think I like playing with the people more, hearing Ellen's first clarinet start out then have me and the rest of my section come in with the counter melody and harmony, flute and then Hailey on the oboe with Jed's tenor with the bottom of the chords, molding the sound to soar and plunge...gah. There I go again getting all quixotic about it. But seriously, it's sweet.
There're my friends. Holy crap, they're crazy confusing dramatic and I somehow still love them. For once it's not me with the drama, but of course I hear all of it. I don't mind, at all. Well, most of it I don't mind. But I deal, don't worry, I love you all and I'd let you know if I needed space. I'm worried about some of you. Some of you are hurting people, I think because you're hurting too. Stop using people! The world needs more love, not more sex. You all should pray more too. Not that I'm one to talk. You all have legitimate troubles. And I'm glad that you finally believe that I'm an ok person still. Jeez. I'm still me. :) But heck...we'll all float on...
And now me.
I feel like I've got this weird sense of independence and leadership I didn't have last year. I read through some of my old aim logs from last year. Oh what a silly freshman I was. But this morning was the first time I thought of home as my parents' house. I've switched rooms with Jess, so my home within my home isn't mine anymore. Yeah, I know, it's just a room. But I've spent a lot of time in that spot, 12 years of nights and days. I remember when the house was being built, going up to that corner of the house, before all the drywall and insulation and carpet, and thinking that this was mine, all mine. And that roof outside my window, reading Lestat outside by the light of the sunset. But all things must pass. I'm not that kid anymore. Katelyn's growing up, going to college and became Steinke. I'm still getting used to this new person. So pardon me if I'm a bit awkward.
I'm also pondering some big important questions. I'll find answers someday.
I'm confused, and don't have inner peace. I think that if I confront what's inside I might break. I'm scared of all this change, I only know one that that is unchanging. And you'd think I'd be clinging harder to it. But no, of course not. Look at me, guys! No hands! Wha...wha...Whoops! There I go, falling down again. Is this what it's like to be a young adult? Constant turmoil, because you know that no one knows what the future is going to bring, because you're almost in control now, it's almost your turn to lead? Life was easier when I wasn't in charge. But easier doesn't mean better.
Man, the hedonist in me demands experience. The Catholic in me gives the hedonist a dirty look. And then I lock the two back in their separate rooms. They can duke it out later.
What's the meaning of it all? Why do I love? Why do people use? Why do I slack? Why do I simulataneously desire two opposing things?
Batter my heart, three-personed God...
We could be falling in love, you and I, or it could merely be the wine, the orchestra and the moonlight on the water. My theology professor said that. Dr. Collinge, the old slightly crazy guy. He says it's one of his favorite sentences he's written. Besides creating a beautiful picture in my imagination, I can see it meaning a lot of different things...different loves, 'loves'. Relationships, between both people and ideas. Reality and imagination. Reality and what we want. Or is there a difference? Does it even matter?
All you need is love.
You know, my future doesn't extend farther than my late twenties. It's like I'm trusting that everything will be figured out by then. These next ten years...these next five, really, are what I see. It's like when I was little, and I imagined being a teenager. I couldn't comprehend it in details, in reality. I imagined an ideal...and it all happened...but in the wildest way I could have never imagined, and not even a speck of the gloss I had thought. College has been a similar experience...with more gloss.
All right, I've written enough for the night.
There's the economy. Some experts say that we won't get into a depression. I think they're probably right. I think what might happen is a recession that lasts a long time instead. But then, I know nothing about the economy. As long as my dad keeps his job, I can still go to school here, and I don't need to worry about my life radically changing.
There's the election. I don't know who I'm voting for just yet. Who's the lesser of two evils? I'll get back to you on that.
Academia has been kind to me. I've found favor with my professors in my majors, theology and philosophy. Did I mention? I'm doubling with phil. See, because I actually want to get a good education. Which is what I'll get. And so far, I love my phil class. We've only done Plato so far, so we'll see how much I still love it when we get to the modern philosophers. But I find myself putting a lot of effort into my papers. We'll see what happens. Science is a perpetual purgatory. Not learning anything about physical science, but a lot about humility, patience, working with difficult people and communication. So I guess it's pretty good. Greek is...hard.
I'm a Why Catholic? leader. It's like little college youth group sessions. My darling Ms. Klunk and I present a little lesson about something, like the Beatitudes, and then lead a discussion. Bring in Bible passages and stuff. Provide food. Should be pretty good. And it doubles as another way for me to burn some of my free time while adding to my leadership opportunities by doing something I already love doing. Sweet deal, huh?
Being an RA is...being an RA. Yes, I'm still doing it next year (if you make me decide today). I think there's a strange sense of honor to it that's missing on a lot of college campuses...and in the lives of young people. Wow I sound old. Being an RA is one of the best things I did for myself. I still love my girls...even if they trash talk me behind my back and bring alcohol into my hall. Gah. I like making bulletin boards. I don't like hall programming. I hate having to make decisions in the grey area, having to choose between enforcing policy and keeping what little relationship I've fostered with some of my girls. Don't worry, I wasn't on duty, it's ok, it really was a gray area. I'm applying for the Terrace next year. Yeah, it'll be different than it is this year. Not as awesome. But it'll also make me a better RA. I hope. I've got a meeting with my boss tomorrow. My one on one. Hopefully I got all my programming points I need.
I think today was one of the best band rehearsals ever. We only had a few people, for various reasons, so we did sectionals. Oh man, what an awesome experience to look around and hear everyone caring. Not just see it, but hear it. Beautiful. Imperfect, unpolished. But definitely the reason why I need music as much as I need oxygen. And leading the sectional, maybe I could go for music ed. But I think I like playing with the people more, hearing Ellen's first clarinet start out then have me and the rest of my section come in with the counter melody and harmony, flute and then Hailey on the oboe with Jed's tenor with the bottom of the chords, molding the sound to soar and plunge...gah. There I go again getting all quixotic about it. But seriously, it's sweet.
There're my friends. Holy crap, they're crazy confusing dramatic and I somehow still love them. For once it's not me with the drama, but of course I hear all of it. I don't mind, at all. Well, most of it I don't mind. But I deal, don't worry, I love you all and I'd let you know if I needed space. I'm worried about some of you. Some of you are hurting people, I think because you're hurting too. Stop using people! The world needs more love, not more sex. You all should pray more too. Not that I'm one to talk. You all have legitimate troubles. And I'm glad that you finally believe that I'm an ok person still. Jeez. I'm still me. :) But heck...we'll all float on...
And now me.
I feel like I've got this weird sense of independence and leadership I didn't have last year. I read through some of my old aim logs from last year. Oh what a silly freshman I was. But this morning was the first time I thought of home as my parents' house. I've switched rooms with Jess, so my home within my home isn't mine anymore. Yeah, I know, it's just a room. But I've spent a lot of time in that spot, 12 years of nights and days. I remember when the house was being built, going up to that corner of the house, before all the drywall and insulation and carpet, and thinking that this was mine, all mine. And that roof outside my window, reading Lestat outside by the light of the sunset. But all things must pass. I'm not that kid anymore. Katelyn's growing up, going to college and became Steinke. I'm still getting used to this new person. So pardon me if I'm a bit awkward.
I'm also pondering some big important questions. I'll find answers someday.
I'm confused, and don't have inner peace. I think that if I confront what's inside I might break. I'm scared of all this change, I only know one that that is unchanging. And you'd think I'd be clinging harder to it. But no, of course not. Look at me, guys! No hands! Wha...wha...Whoops! There I go, falling down again. Is this what it's like to be a young adult? Constant turmoil, because you know that no one knows what the future is going to bring, because you're almost in control now, it's almost your turn to lead? Life was easier when I wasn't in charge. But easier doesn't mean better.
Man, the hedonist in me demands experience. The Catholic in me gives the hedonist a dirty look. And then I lock the two back in their separate rooms. They can duke it out later.
What's the meaning of it all? Why do I love? Why do people use? Why do I slack? Why do I simulataneously desire two opposing things?
Batter my heart, three-personed God...
We could be falling in love, you and I, or it could merely be the wine, the orchestra and the moonlight on the water. My theology professor said that. Dr. Collinge, the old slightly crazy guy. He says it's one of his favorite sentences he's written. Besides creating a beautiful picture in my imagination, I can see it meaning a lot of different things...different loves, 'loves'. Relationships, between both people and ideas. Reality and imagination. Reality and what we want. Or is there a difference? Does it even matter?
All you need is love.
You know, my future doesn't extend farther than my late twenties. It's like I'm trusting that everything will be figured out by then. These next ten years...these next five, really, are what I see. It's like when I was little, and I imagined being a teenager. I couldn't comprehend it in details, in reality. I imagined an ideal...and it all happened...but in the wildest way I could have never imagined, and not even a speck of the gloss I had thought. College has been a similar experience...with more gloss.
All right, I've written enough for the night.
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