Another Wind

Good Evening, folks. I'm back with a few introspective musings. But first, a public service announcement:

My dad is joining the Church tomorrow. Prayers are appreciated. :-) Thanks.

Now back to me.

I've been an idiot on the edge of burnout. Let me explain. I have a 10 - 15 page curriculum for 9-11 grade teens due on Monday. On Tuesday I have a 6-8 page paper for Dr. Mitra due on how Austen challenges social norms in her novel, Northanger Abbey. I have a fairly decent start on the Curriculum, but thus far I've reacted crappily to Mitra's paper. Not only have I been skimping on the reading (I sorta got through North and South - why the heck is there not a single damn free study guide for that book online?), but my skimping happened to fall at the same time as her decision to reinstate reading quizzes. Lovely. Those didn't turn out well. I did a pretty good job on my part of the group project for Jane Eyre, though. Of course, on the last quiz, Mitra writes "your scores don't reflect your level of participation in class" - i.e., What gives?. THEN, I decide to put off my one page summary of my topic for my term paper (worth 25% of my grade), skip class the day it's due, forget/avoid meeting with her on the wednesday that I said I would, get the topic to her on thursday, have her call me out for not getting in touch with her in front of a bunch of juniors and seniors in the class, get told that she won't have time until Monday to meet and that won't do much good because the paper is due tuesday. So I've fallen from proverbial grace in the eyes of one of my profs, which ranks in the top 10, if not top five, things that I can't stand/handle/trigger icky feelings.

The verdict? Good job, Steinke. Now you have to work your ass off to write an amazing paper while sucking yourself up because there's no way in hell you can avoid Mitra forever, especially because you want to get an english minor and she teaches the Mod Civ section you want to get into. How about trying something out of character: Pick your ass up and move on and do good.

I got my multidraft on "Cruelty and Goodness" back today. Not only do I have a 100% on it, but I've got a 92 in the class. I was expecting a B in the class, so a 92 surprised me. And then just the fact that I got a 100...oh man, that feels sooo good. Yeah, it's a stupid multidraft. Yeah, it really doesn't mean much. But the fact that 100% still reigns as perfect in my mind from years ago. It's the first time in a long time that I really feel like I did a good job, a really good job on a paper. on pretty much anything. It's like hope that I can still be smart, still pull off high academic marks, that I didn't screw myself over when I decided to get friends and sacrifice some school. Yes, I'm so stupid and insecure that I need physical acknowledgment of my intelligence and ability. In fact, I may or may not be incredibly insecure about it, so I just don't try because I don't think I can do it anymore, so I end up half assing stuff. (fun fact: I even emailed a copy of the paper to my parents, that's how ridiculously proud of it I am. Yes, I'm acting like a 15 year old. So what?)

My curriculum will be ok. I just have to put the hours in it, and I think I still have time to get it all done. As long as I have enough caffiene in my system, I think I can do it and do it well.

Oh yes, back to my dad. He's joining the Church. Tomorrow. My mom called me at 8:35 this morning to tell me. Granted, most of the conversation consisted of her ranting about how everyone in the parish knows because our priest has a big mouth, but hey. My Lutheran dad is becoming Catholic. And I'm still in shock.

The fact that my parents were 'mixed' played a pretty significant part in who I am. It was the reason why I went to public school (which, although it may not seem like much, made a world of difference). I went to two churches until I was 12. It's why I try to respect prots. It's why I love apologetics. It taught me from day one that there are different opinions out there, and even if someone disagrees with you you can love them just as much as if they didn't. It sounds dumb, but I'm having a minor identity crisis. It feels like a part of my childhood is gone, and it's not coming back, that I'm growing up and the world and my life is changing, no matter what I do. You'd think that I don't mind change, I mean, I might as well have gone to another country for school. But I do. I find that some of the constants in my life are evolving or disappearing, and I'm scared that I don't have what it takes inside me to make it. I guess that's the overarching theme of all of this.

I really wish I could be there tomorrow.

I'd like to ask all of you, if you want, to say a quick prayer for my family.

So, I'm suffering from homesickness, burnout and self doubt.

You know, I think the key to being successful is self drive. But why do we all have to be successful? Can't some of us be failures? Why in the world should we all succeed? What makes me so special that I get to succeed? Get. There it is. Passive, not active. Why is it so damn hard for me to be active? I think I just have to find motivation. And I have, half way. Kevin's note. Which I recommend that lots of you read, btw. And I have this book, Chocolate for a Teen's heart, that I got for Christmas when I was 14. Good stuff. She's got a list of 25 things in there that I live by. Or try to. It's like, my mom's "Be kind!!!" is the Great Commandment, and Kay's tips for teens are the 25 commandments.

God I feel so weak in so many ways. I stress, i get tired, i sleep, i stress more....yeah. I just want a hug from my parents. So when you reach out, I don't resist, because something needs it. It's funny, the effect of human contact. Heh, I wanted desperately to just ask you for one for a couple days, but I couldn't, then you told me to cry, so I did, and the world got better.

I guess now, amidst the insanity, I'm just trying to find ways to fight it. It's not easy for me, coming back to pushing for it, and knowing exactly how easy things are when you just let it all slide and pretend not to care about anything.

High of 75

So last night I was bitching about how it's supposed to be beautiful in good ole Maryland this time of year, and instead it's gray and cold. So to spite me, God decided to make it gorgeous today. And do you know what the best part is??? It's actually 75 degrees out.

After the last note, I think I owe some of you a follow up. But really, I really can't do it justice. So I'm going to let my other musical love, Reliant K, do the talking. It's absolutely perfect, every word of it. Rarely do I find that things match up so well.

"High of 75"

We were talking together
I said, "What's up with this weather?"
Don't know whether or not
How sad I just got
Was of my own volition
Or if I'm just missing the sun.

And tomorrow I know
Will be rainy at best,
And the forecast I know
Is that I'll be depressed,
But I'll wait outside
Hoping that I'll catch sight of the sun.

Because on and off,
The clouds have fought
For control over the sky
And lately the weather
Has been so bipolar
And consequently so have I

And now I'm sunny with a high of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light
And its funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive

And the temperature is freezing
And then after dark,
There's a cold front sweeping
In over my heart
And we might break up
If I don't wake up to the sun

Because on and off,
The clouds have fought
For control over the sky
And lately the weather
Has been so bipolar
And consequently so have I

And now I'm sunny with a high of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light
And its funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive

Sunny with a High of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light (made it light)
And its funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be...

Alive.

~*~

The song, with Cinderella clips, because it has an ok audio:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lb4l00vTwsU&feature=related

FOB be my Savior

Note: When I originally posted this on my Facebook, I ended up getting 14 comments meant to inspire and console me. Woot, people love me.

Darkness and light are but one.

Thus says Psalm 139.

It's hard to be optimistic when you want to quit. Fighting the emo gets hard after a while. I don't want to be happy, I don't want to love life, I don't want to see the beauty and the humor in it all.

It's at this point that I throw my eyes up to the heavens and ask God what the hell He thinks he's doing. But who am I to question the one I believe to be the very creator of the universe. Really, someone who has complete and total power over EVERYTHING. But it's my life, and it's the only thing I know, and it's the thing most precious to me. And He's screwing with it.

I see my blessings - they are infinite. Or see to be. I want them, I need them. I don't want to appreciate them. But I can do nothing other than that.

So I'm just going to sit here, shut up and listen to my music until I feel better.

...

Screw that.

I don't want to act, but I do. We all do. To not act would be selfish.

"Rejoice in the Lord always, I say it again, Rejoice!"

God clearly has not forsaken me. But I want things to change, I want people to change.

You guys, I'm a hypocrite, I'm a gossip and I lack integrity. I lie. Don't tell me that I'm amazing today, because today I'm taking a day off from being amazing and embracing the crappy part of me. I procrastinate and sometimes don't even do my homework. I lose things. I lead guys on only to just let them fall flat on their faces. I'm selfish; I'm going to use you and maybe abuse you. You know what? I LIKE it when you talk about me. Yeah, that's right. I enjoy the attention. I'll bite your head off if you argue with me, and refuse to see reason. I put my foot in my mouth all the time. And to top it all off I just LOVE to wallow in self pity.

You know what the best thing is? I'm not going to say what I really want to say. I won't throw that out here. Nope nope nope.

...

I feel a bit better.

I hate Mondays.