Silly phone.

I've decided that my cell phone is the one thing I can't live without right now. It's my security blanket. I literally get nervous and tense and can't do anything if I don't have it, or know where it is. Seriously, I've been slightly spazzing today, until I found it in my desk. I'm silly. :P I think it's because it's my lifeline to my family; without it I really am all alone out here at school. I still feel like a strange kid from Washington sometimes who doesn't really fit in. Maybe I will end up going back to Washington after I get done with school. I guess it just depends on whether or not I can find people to really love out here. If I can get a family of sorts of my own before/during/after grad school out here, I can be happy. If not, I'll be heading back to my first family. My heart's still in Washington. But I would love to travel. I can't wait to go to Austria. I want to see Italy and Paris, too. Even London. Now if only I had the means to do so...

MIKA

I must seem bipolar from my blog posts. Haha.

I've been thinking. There are lots of different people I've come to know, especially in the past two years. Last year I met lots of people, and found acceptance. This year I've met a couple more, but also found rejection. Or at least, that's my mood at the moment. I keep thinking about how last year was a blast, and this year, not so much. I don't think it's possible for it to be as much fun, and for me to 'make good life decisions'. Right now is one of those times where I wish there was more to do on campus. Part of me wants to transfer somewhere right now. Maybe Catholic U, I dunno. The thing is, I love it here, but I'm also quite lonely and bored right now. I feel like things, everything, is deteriorating. But then again this could just be me being bored and mopey and insecure. Next year is going to have to be great. But it's so far away. Right now I just feel angsty and angry and frustrated and sad and annoyed and all of it.

Christ, I need to go on a retreat. All of this just throws me in a doubting mood. I know it'll pass. They always do. It's just tough to be in the middle of it all. God, I just feel so alone. And I'm not happy. I need to figure out what's going to make me happy.

...

Nope, a walk around the building didn't help. Gah. See, this is what drives people to go and party. It's the only thing you can do to avoid this mindset.

No one's got their door open, nothing good is on tv, it's too late to call my house, my friends are all busy...

...

Is it when I get like this that the truth comes out? Or is it just the Devil working at me? See, part of me won't let go of religion because of Pascal's wager. If it's right, I've got far too much to lose.

...

Sweet Jesus, I found the Princess Bride on TV. I'm saved. :)

Give me your eyes, I need the sunshine.

Finally, something happy. I miss being happy.

I'm sick, but that's ok, it's not that bad, thanks to drugs. Just a little annoying, and slightly contagious. I studied my butt off for a Greek quiz, only to have it not happen. I haven't seen my boy much lately, but when I do it's sweet. My residents give me mad crap about Doug, but I'm happy they do. It's a happy dynamic. There's pot on the hall, but it'll get caught eventually. Gives me something to do. Weather's been nice lately. I love the sunshine, and the rain. I guess life's always good, it just doesn't feel like it all the time. And right now, it does. :-)

Public Notice.

Someone's flying into Camp David. :P

But in other news more relevant to my life...

Holy crap I hate PMS. Every couple months I get a really bad wave of it. I think it's either when I'm really stressed or...screw it, I have no idea. I've got mood swings and comfort food cravings up the wazzoo. I can't understand some of my subjects worth anything, either. That's probably the most irritating part. In high school, whenever this would happen, I couldn't do math or german to save my life. Especially calculus, holy crap. I wasn't too bad at some of it (when I actually did my work), but if I was experiencing one of these PMS waves, I couldn't do it, at all. Luckily the AP test wasn't during one of those weeks. I'm not quite sure what's causing it, either. But see, now it's just happening to my Greek. I can't remember ANYTHING. Well, some of it. Probably chapters 1-4. So half. But like...I studied for a good three hours over the course of the couple days before the last quiz, and I completely and totally bombed it. Maybe sollenburger asked words I didn't know...maybe it was just my inefficient study habits. I have enough trouble trying to learn it when I'm not going psycho, though. I can't wait until this week is over. God please, get my hormones back to normal.

So yeah. I'm hating this week, hardcore. And please just beware that I'm not myself, so don't take anything I say personally. :)