So yeah.

It's Christmas break.

Da List:

Kayla - something uber cool

Siobhan - a slutty bra

Erica - something geeky or House-y

Car - something cool, geeky, fantasy-y

---

Jen, Jon, Derek, Nick, Jackie, Seth, Kevin:

Playdough, ...



~*~

I need to hit up the vanMall still. :D

In the meantime, I get to plan some hang out for tonight at my house because we 'never' do anything at my house. so what if it's true...:P

Oh, I also am starting another blog, called "To the Mount!" chronicling the escapades of my HL posse. Just because we have so much friggin drama, it would make such good novel material, and i can't bear to let it go unwritten. So I'm keeping the master in a word document, then changing the names before I put it online. I'll market it as fiction, but it'll be almost entirely fact. Woot! Good times. i haven't decided whether I'll be another character or write from the first person. I'm excited.

So I'm going to go read parts of the Kite Runner now. Yay honors discussion dinners.

Oh, I think my gpa's a 3.4706. Yay me. Not bad for having no idea what my grades were in any of my classes. Now THAT's scary.

One down...seven to go

[[From my Facebook Notes]]

So, I've officially completely my first semester at the Mount. Wow. I think it's safe to say that I had absolutely no idea how amazing it was going to be. Living on my own (with Kayla!), being on first name basis with professors, Mount Theater and Wind Ensemble, staying up all night goofing off only to have some of the most amazing conversations comparable to those I had with kaylala (only in the honors lounge...), having as much drama as the ocean has water, figuring out what the hell Chicago style format is, Sister Doctor, vibrators...the list goes on and on. One thing, though, is that I'm so glad I came here, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I had no idea that I'd meet such awesome people here. Who knew that the east coast had cool people too? I don't know what I'd do without my girls and my Honors Lounge buddies. You all are my rocks and a never ending source of amusement. I miss you all so much now that I'm back home...but hey, that's what facebook is for, right? :)

But most of all, I've learned more than I ever thought I would. Yes, I actually remember what the festival of Dionysus was and what battle the movie 300 was based off of. But it goes beyond that. I know that I'm starting to learn a lot about myself, and I realize that I'm changing, and that I'm not going to stop changing for a long time. I'm learning how to simultaneously disagree with and learn a lot from professors. I think I've become a bit more open minded, and learned that that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm less Catholic or more liberal (even though that's what it may seem like). I think I've become more moderate, at least for the time being. I've learned that first impressions can reveal people who are the complete opposite of who you thought they were, and at the same time turn out to be not that far off. I've learned that sometimes I have to make a choice and stick with it, even if it hurts. I see that maturity is something that comes with raw life experience, and that nothing else can really replace that. I've learned to do my own laundry. I've learned that sometimes you have to really suck things up and be a better person than you want to be in order to save friendships, because it's far better to mature up than to let out your emotion and kill something that could last years. At the same time, I've learned that it's ok to just go off by yourself and break down for a while, because it'll make you stronger in the long run. People are people, and if you want any kind of friendship with someone you have to accept them for who they are. Real filial love goes beyond the petty things. I see that life's hard, and that the more opposition you have the greater potential you have to become great.

I'll find who I am and grow into that. I'll use what I've seen and heard from my past to understand those in my present and future. Even though it feels like I'm living two lives right now, I think it will become less so once I really start integrating the Washington Katelyn and the Maryland Schteinke. But I know that I'll become one person soon enough. The future is wide open to me right now. The doors are going to close eventually, but for the meantime I can peer into their contents to see where I want to go. Above all I've learned that I have a long way to go: personally, academically, geographically.

And I'm going to savor every minute of the ride.

~*~

COMMENTS:

JEN: I love you schteinker-bop

JON: wow. thats some quantuum stuff right there. some quantuum stuff "k-a-t-e-l-y-n." there. i actually said your real name. and now steinke will be a term of endearment. okey dokey then. you should be a writer by the way. you write really well and some really good stuff.

DEREK: pretty intense. my favorite part was when you said "I've learned how to do laundry" in the middle of all that serious stuff haha. syke, it was all really good. I agree, I think its amazing how much of college has nothing to do with school. We are all just a bunch of clueless...young adults...trying to find themselves and figure out what the hell is going on. and we screw up a lot of times, and ohhhh yessss there will be drama, but it seems like we are learning from everything that happens, be it good or bad, just tryin to come into our own. im glad i ended up at msm. and im glad you did too. im glad everyone did, cause whether we like it or not we have all had impacts on each others lives in one way or another.
amen stanky, it should definitely be an interesting ride. lets all make the next seven just as memorable as the first.

JEN: preach it derek bridge.
and let us thank god the whore of babylon isn't in our midst anymore.

SETH:Deep stuff!
I'm going to be so sad next semester when I can't go to the Honors Lounge that much anymore :/

ME: Meh, I just try to tell it as I see it. But thanks ya'll. :D I love you guys so much! 24 more days...not that I'm counting or anything. ;-)

JON: i feel like im commenting on a southern baptist church forum or something. preach it, ahow the good lord asaid it aderek abridge. HALLELUJAH! the whore of ababylon will no longer be in oura presence whena this good lifea ends. i know this has nothing to do with this note at all. not a single thing. but i felt it necessary. how come you dont make notes more often?

DEREK: because you touch yourself at night.

JON: and guess who im thinking of.

DEREK: wow you do it to nicks mom too? small world.

ME: wtf?
Oh, and sorry about those Ravens, Derek. In overtime, too. Sad day. But my Packers won!

JON: nuh uh. not at all derek. it isnt anyones mom. sorry to destroy your note thing steinke. i blame it on derek. and im not sorry about those ravens cause i dont even know what happened.

JEN: Derek Bridge you're revolting.
(t-shirts will be on sale to this effect starting next monday)

ME: Sweet jesus. *sigh* Fine. I still love you all, even if you DO destroy my notes. XD

SARAH: atta girl. you are my idol. even beyond your mad clarinet skills!!

I believe the world is burning to the ground

So I'm in the middle of an essay about vocation and this book The Soloist for my Call and Response in the Bible course, due in an hour and a half, so I decided to procrastinate even more and look at my blog that I haven't updated in a very long time.

I tried doing NaNoWriMo, but got 481 words in and quit.

I made the Fall Mainstage production of The Imaginary Invalid. I was Louise. Tiny role, Tons of fun, sucked up lotsa time before Thanksgiving break. Which is mostly why I quite NaNo.

I got over David (no contact with someone for two months did that to me), which is good because we've both got our perspective interests. Mine just happens to be a bit of an ass and confused. Siobhan calls him a woman with a penis. I think he just over analyzes everything. So, to make a long story short, he and I had things going on, we made out Halloween night, a few days later I get pissed and we have a fight, I don't talk to him for three days, we stay up all night and hash things out, we're back to being close friends. I still like him, and probably will for a while, but right now I'm waiting for him to be unconfused. In the meantime, I'm controlling my like of him. Oi.

Winter Formal is on Friday. I got a red dress for it. Should be fun, a bunch of my girls are going. I highly doubt Derek will ask me, but I'm going with my girls anyway. I'm even considering turning him down if he does ask me. But that's not going to happen, so we'll just concentrate on buying Katelyn shoes and wondering how she's gonna fix her hair now that she has layers.

I have a new name. All of my Honors Lounge buddies call me Stanky, and various variations thereof, including Schtiiiiinkeeee, Stanks, and Schteinkinator. It's good fun. Yay for having the same name as a dozen other girls in your class. Kevin calls me Katelyn.

I wanna lose ten pounds to get down from 130, but with all this college snack food it's practically impossible to do. Ah well. I'll keep trying.

The nob on my heater in my room broke, so now it's turned to the highest setting until I get get someone in to fix it. Or figure it out myself. It'd be easier if the metal wasn't so damn hot. ha, I can see the steam coming out of it right now. Now that I've got the window open too, my room's gonna be hot and cold at the same time! Joy.

I have to do laundry. I'm getting a little too creative in my clothing.

I wish my room didn't smell funky. I don't know why. I think it's the combination of Kayla's and my smells. My perfume, her acne pads, our clothes...urg. I think if I can get the heater fixed (it was kinda broke before, I broke it more by fixing it) and it won't be so damn hot in here and it won't smell as weird. Sio's room smells nice and it's also super clean. Ah well.

Well, I think I've wasted enough time. Time to get back to my essay. And no matter how well I write it, Derek will still get a higher score. That bastard. ;-)

gr.

I miss him.

Yeah-yeah!!

Being Catholic is cool. I love being a rebel. :D

Look, I've Stepped in Bullshit.

That is what God would say if he read my paper. He knows that I didn't see that movie. That I read Derek and Kevin's papers to get ideas and details to make mine look legit.

I think I cheat because I don't see the apparent educational value in doing something the right way. Or, I just screw up and don't want to put the effort into doing things the right way.

Siobhan's never cheated. Good for her.

I was going to say something, but that thought's not good enough to be recorded. Something about Derek and feeling like my chances with him got diminished. Even though I just got a spoonful of reality. Nothing major. Oh look, I talked about it.

I read the Handmaid's Tale. Good book.

I watched Donnie Darko. Great movie.

I don't want to be here, in the Lounge writing my paper, refining another that was all right in the first place (Killing all my liberties with style and convention). Pulling the shit out of my ass and spreading it across the screen, only to be printed out neat and pretty in the morning.

I think they don't really care if you search yourself for what's there. Or, some of them don't care. They'll be satisfied with something pretty on paper. I can really tell that some of them care, though. That makes me care.

I want to be in Washington, I want to be back on the field with David.

I don't have to torture myself with this, I know this. But I choose to go there anyway. Why? Because it was nice. Because it may not happen again. Because I'm praying it will.

I always come back to this. Ah well.


I need discipline.

The Corpse Bride's Heart.

So, apparently this whole "closure" thing with my lust for David is harder than I thought. *sigh* It'll take time, I know. Love songs and scene bring it all back. Part of me likes the torture.

Siobhan, Car, Erica, Kayla, I. Second Sheridan North Posse. We're getting a name.

I can't believe a 200 year old school doesn't have any secret societies. LAME. Or it could be, as Siobhan puts it, they actually were smart and kept them secret. *shrug* Who knows.

Bought John a birthday card. I figure since I won't be there on his actual birthday, it's the least I can do. I should really start getting into the habit of doing that. If I send it Monday it should get there pretty darn close to his birthday. :)

I did laundry today for the first time since I got here. Not to bad, if I do say so myself. No pink underwear and socks.

Oh, did I mention that I love college?

I'm having a few worries about rooming with Kayla. But I don't think anything catastrophic will happen. But who knows?

I'm thinking about joining the Militia Immaculata.

I'm taking clarinet lessons. I love my teacher. Now I have to get used to practicing.

I will take over my section by fall break - this I am almost certain.

I'm thinking about being an RA next year. 1/4 off room and board, most likely a room to myself, a few RA duties...could be fun.

I'm thinking about being a theology major. But I still don't know what I want to do with my life yet. I need to figure that out by the end of next year.

But until then, Adieu.

My computer just gave me the fifteen minute warning signal.

Goodnight, my dears.

To the glory that was Greece....

So Rammstein turns out to be pretty good study music when I'm unbelievably pissed.

I made it to Maryland all right. My hallmates are amazing, my classes are all right.

At the moment I'm up at one twenty in the morning writing an outline of Pericles' Funeral Oration. Remind me why I did Honors Origins of the West?

It's been a week since I arrived, and I can see myself getting homesick on the horizon. I think about David everyday. I think I'm sick. Lovesick. I just keep replaying memories over and over again. I never said I wasn't masochistic. I really need to stop; it just makes things worse. I was reading some of my Skills for Ministry homework, and turned out to be a section on lonliness and solitude. How rampant lonliness is in our culture, how fake the togetherness is and how that perverted sense of community destroys us. More or less. The feelings of homesickness and lonliness can rushing to the forfront, and it hurts. Is this what he meant when he said he felt bad for leading me on? Did he know that I would torture myself so, and that he would hardly think of me? I check Facebook every few hours waiting for a message, anything. Will this ever fade away? I'm so utterly pathetic. Nothing will come from this, nothing. I keep clinging to this idea that we could be together when we're home...but I know that that won't happen. It won't work. And why should I be grieving for what I never had? I don't know if it ever will be, but I want it so. The memories are comforting, in a way. But lust is so inviting, so comforting. Maybe I just have to get used to being single again.

maybe he shouldn't have told me. But then I wouldn't have these memories. He won't think of me, he doesn't. God, if I only had a man's rationality and logic. And lack of prevalence of emotions. PMS doens't help, but it's not the main reason. It's like bolding and underlining it.

hell


h



e



l

l


Damn.


In other news, I love college.

sortof.


IT only happens at night, this lonliness.

Rammstein, be my friend.

His lips on mine....his arms intertwined with mine


Burn it. Burn the image, the feeling of his jacket, his hands, his lips. BURN.

I wanna go home.

So, I'm officially in Maryland. Granted, I'm in a hotel room, and can't officially move in until Sunday.

I really just want to get past this transition part where my parents are here "helping" me get adjusted. *spews* Yes, I'm glad there here, don't get me wrong. I just really want to go from before MD to going to classes and in the loop. I hate, hate, HATE this transition crap. And it doesn't help that I'm amazingly jet lagged and just lost three hours of my day. So, yes, it's 7 pm in WA, but here it's 10. Stupid.

yes, I'm cranky. Yes, I'm lonely and want my friends.


I want to go on a walk around Camas. I want someone older who's been through all of this to listen to my whining and give me a nice big hug and tell me that it's all going to be all right.

I guess I'll just have to content myself with reliving already worn out memories of previous starry summer nights. *sigh*


P.S. One thing I did notice, though. The stars here are just as good as those back home. There's still hope yet that it'll all turn out ok.

Proof. Of what? I'll get back to you on that.

I kissed David.

Three times.

Yes, I still have a boyfriend. Yes, he's only in name. But, yes, Lady Rain did indeed cheat on her boyfriend.

Once a cheater always a cheater? I'll get back to you on that.

So, I'll let you in on the gory details.

Walk one, before we let eachother know of our mutual feelings, we take a walk from his house to the lake park and back. It's nice, a bit weird, but nice all the same. I let him know that I definitely had feelings for him four years ago. But that was so painfully obvious, I'm sure he knew. We talk about how he doesn't feel like he is able to open up to a lot of people, I tell him that I'm always willing to listen. yeah, stars are beautiful that night, and we hug good bye.

One night we agree to go out for a walk around town after we both get off of work. We talk about stuff, things are nice. Mostly we discuss issues I've been having, most of the spiritual nature, some of the social nature and whatnot. It's just nice to be in each other's company. Hug good bye.

Friday. He gets off of work, I call him, we make plans to go on another walk. We walk around, the sky is clear, we head towards the stadium. The sky is clear again and the stars are beautiful. Again. It's shooting star season. We talk and stuff, and he comments on how it's cold. One thing leads to another and we're cuddling on the 20 yard line by the visitor's lockroom side. Booyah. He smells nice. Hug goodbye and yeah. Life's pretty good. Oh, and he says, "I'm glad the stars were out tonight." I melt.

Saturday, we make plans to go to the stadium to watch episodes of The Office on one of our laptops and the stars. Before things get going I get a call from Kayla. long story short, I end up leaving him and having a nice talk with kayla. We needed that anyway. He goes to a kegger and doesn't drink instead. Booyah. Not.

Sunday night, the last night we can see each other. I leave Friday morning for MD, he left today with his family and a good chunk of our friends to Mason Lake, a family camping spot 2.5 hours north. So the whole gang is over at David and his brothers' house, just goofing off and having a good time before we all go our separate ways until Christmas. Midnight rolls around, most people leave. Around 1am, it's just me, the brothers, and Nathan, my BF. Nathan is apparently spending the night there so he doesn't have to drive early in the morning; he lives a half hour away. I say goodbye to them and David talks about hanging out with some college buddies for a bit. I walk down the steps, and turn to go to my car, but wait a sec and pretend to be checking the messages on my cell. I was really just waiting for a chance to say goodbye to David in private. He walks down, we're behind the hedge, and he says "You got time for a walk?" I grin, and agree to a short one. My mom was already asleep, so there was no way she would get pissed about how late I stayed out. We end up taking both of our cars over to the stadium so that no one would be suspicious. We start walking around the track, talking out stuff about our future, and the technicality of Nathan's status. "In name only, though" and other things, mostly him telling me how I'm going to love college life. After a lap around the track we go out onto the green, over by the 20 yard line. Again. We talk about stuff, mostly leaving and all that jazz. And, of course, I couldn't turn down his "One last cuddle?" So yeah. we did for a bit. It makes me wonder what else happens on that field in the off season. :) We're walking back, arms around eachothers' waists, and he walks me over to my car. He gives me a hug. I say, "Well, I guess this is goodbye." And I go to give him a peck on the cheek, and he catches me halfway. I tell him that that was lame and we go for a good one. I say "wow", he says "hey, you initiated it, not me." We kiss again, I say "I'm breaking all the rules here" He laughs, hugs me tight and says "It never happened". We leave.

He might be coming home to visit the week I'm back in October. That would be epic. If not, that's okay, because we'll see each other at Christmas.

We're going to take things as they come, figure out what to do next as the moments present themselves. And I'm fine with that. For now we both agreed to just spend our time making out with drunk people at parties, because even if we don't drink it won't matter because the other people won't remember in the morning, anyway. :D Yeah, like that's going to happen.

I know it's cheating on nate, but I'm glad I did it. I gave me a bit of closure to that part of me that still likes him. Hell, I may love him. Only time will tell. I've waited four years for last night/this morning. I'm sure a few months will be a piece of cake. :) All I know is that anything really can happen, and that I'm never going to think of the 20 yard line the same way again.

Oh Jeez.

David told me that for the past few summers he's been meaning to ask me out, but something always got in the way. He tells me this as he's closing down Subway, right before he has to kick me out.

I think I'm going to die.

Ok, so what am I feeling, what am I feeling...

I've always liked him. But, I convinced myself that it would never happen, so I moved on to other people. But now that he's said this, it's all reawakened.

I think he's much better for me than Nathan. And I was all ready to let Nate go. But my problems:

1. I'm dating Nathan. My dating Nathan caused numerous issues for me this year, yet I seriously believe that it was a good experience for me in the end. We've been going for eight months. He works a lot, so we don't get to do a lot together. He's also an intensely private person, so I don't know what goes on in his head. He's an agnostic, for lack of a better classification, whereas I'm Catholic. We're both clarinetists, though. He's a great listener, a wonderful shoulder to cry on. And a romantic gentleman when he thinks about it. The thing is, our relationship has been on a downward spiral for a while now. I'm breaking up with him when I'm leaving for Maryland, which is why I didn't call it quits earlier. But tonight it seemed as if he finally realized that I really am leaving in less than two weeks.

2. I'm moving to Maryland. David will be in Washington, I in Maryland. The reason why I'm breaking it off with Nathan (mainly) is that I don't think it's fair to either of us to be tied to someone while we're starting this new chapter of our lives. So as much as I want to, I really can't see how I can justify trying to make a LDR work with David.

He's not a Catholic, but he IS a christian.
He's a music major, but he IS a musician.
He likes me, and I like him.
Because he's a Christian, a Christian who really is into his faith and respects my beliefs as a Catholic, I could see him as a possible potential husband. (Bonus points!!) My parents make it work, right?
LDR.
LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS DON'T WORK.
But Kristie and Justin make it work.
But they still have issues, and Kristie thinks she's really in love.

AArRGGg!

I think I shall sleep on this. And pray on it or something.

It's not like we're not going to still be friends. I have no danger of losing him, our friendship. So I should buck up, screw any thought of a LDR and check back in next summer, staying open with eachother in the meantime.

Right?

For the Best

So, in 15 days I will be moving to Maryland. I currently live in Washington. The state, that is. I've got mixed feelings about it, but I know it's for the best.

Someone told me that I'm the perfect woman. I do believe that he is in love with me. I've turned him down. I've got mixed feelings about it, but I know it's for the best.

Another man I know is catching my interest. But I have decided not to persue it. Yet. I've got mixed feelings about it, but I know it's for the best.

I'm in the process of ending my current romantic relationship. I've got mixed feelings about it, but I know it's for the best.

After a year I'm ending my current employment situation. I've got mixed feelings about it, but I know it's for the best.

I'll be rooming with my best friend in Maryland. I've got mixed feelings about it, but I know it's for the best.


I'm going to stop feigning insomnia. I've got mixed feelings about it, but I know it's for the best.

On Knowledge

Knowledge is power.

Ignorance is bliss.

So the question I pose to you is whether you would like to be powerful or blissful?

If your family and friends don't really love you, would you want to know? I wouldn't. But I would also rather know for sure what the true feelings of my latest lover are, and the same with acquaintances. I think, though, that I have grown to depend on certain relationships. They have become to fundamental to my life. People say that we shouldn't take anything for granted, human or material. But the fact is, we do. Humans need those rocks in their foundation on which to build a house. Do the owners of the house ever think about the foundation of it? No, of course not. They don't spend hundreds of dollars on it, rather, on interior decorating. Homeowners only pause to remember the foundation of their house if there is something wrong with it.

I also believe that the smart people are the ones who should be ruling the world. I'm not entirely sure that they are, but I do believe that they should. Or, even, they could be. For every pretty face there needs to be a smart person behind the scenes working as puppet master. The most ideal combination would be a great mind and a pretty face.

Great minds think alike.

If great minds think alike, then how come it has been the innovators, the ones who think differently that bear the label of genius? Maybe it's because those who supposedly think differently all think differently in the same way. They are all different from mainstream society.

First Entry

Welcome to the other side of sanity. I hope your stay has a lasting impact.

I intend for this to be my personal journal.

I'm sure the rest shall be self explanitory.

I'll elaborate later.