On which I return, due to ADD symptoms

I'm back. See me on Tumblr.

I want to quit my RA job.

Reasons why:

1. Get normal life back.
2. Get friends back.
3. Fewer homework distractions.
4. The bureaucracy infuriates me.
5. Worrying about getting caught for something small and insignificant.
6. Less stress.
   

Reasons not to:

1. Money. I have no other source of income.
2. Money. Scholarships help parents pay for myself and sister to go to expensive colleges.
3. I genuinely like my residents.
4. Looks good to grad schools? Maybe? eh.
   
5. I like the idea of having power.
6. If I keep my job, I won't have to shake up my lifestyle.
7. SINGLE ROOM.
8. Automatic source of friends. Were I to quit, I'd have to make new ones.
   

Looks like I won't be quitting.

I don't know how to feel more like a student than an RA. I can't focus on my work; my job consumes me. EVERYTHING I do has something to do with it.

I need a vacation. Or better yet, to just go home.

Maybe now I'll get some work done.

karate.

Doug said it, I've got a black belt in him but he's got a yellow belt in me. To say that I did violence to myself in order to 'catch' him would be a huge overstatement. More like, built a few walls. But now, i'm happy to say I'm happy to start bringing them down. I think it's dumb, but I know a lot of this has to do with making sure I don't fall in head first again and land on my neck. Which is why I'm able to let him fall head first, while I keep an eye out for footholds. I guess I want to make sure we both don't have the experience I did, emotionally. NOt that that's likely to happen. I think I realize how serious this could be, so I want to make sure that everything'll turn out okay. I'll analyze until there's nothing left to analyze. And I hope he'll also be able to pick me up out of my analyzing and just enjoy everything, too. :)

but we'll see what happens.

On which i return, due to insomnia.

Nights with insomnia make me wonder.

Tonight's topic: my future.

I have no idea where I'm going, or what I want to do. My laziness makes me fear failing at everything.

There's also this sneaky voice in my head that keeps 'reminding' me that "you know, you really shouldn't even be here." As in, I should have given into my thoughts and fears a few years ago. As if, that's how things were 'supposed' to go. My response is generally Fuck you. That's one accomplishment, I survived high school and middle school. Yay me. I'm not sure anyone knows how much of an accomplishment that is. My own private war, all that's left of it are a few scallywags that bitch and moan, but don't do anything else.

I want to write a story, a short story, but its slow going. I've got a theme, though - Existential Crisis: What the character thought/held dear/believed in/etc. is proven moot, and is forced to grapple with a problem. Should he choose a solution based on his previous 'morality'? The present, 'real' new world? His own desires? Or maybe refuse to choose at all, and just let things be as they are. The "no answer" answer. Hmmm....I like that one. Maybe I WILL write a story.

someday.

Ugh. What am I good at? Eh. Screw this. I can't take considering the pointlessness and short sightedness of my future. Damn the fog, damn my near sightedness. On to other problems.

I have communication issues. The easiest and biggest example of this is my relationship with the boyfriend. Oh, don't worry, things are good. As good as it can be, doing the distance thing. We talk nearly every night, even if it's only fifteen minutes and telling each other what we did today. I figure even if we do that for a week, at least we're still talking and things will be okay. But like today, we actually had a decent conversation for a bit. It was awesome. I miss really talking to him. But I tangent. Anywho. For some reason, I've realized that part of me is still the shy kid I once was. The one that doesn't like speaking up.

And I forget where I was going. Or, actually, I didn't forget, I just decided taht I'll leave most of thsi to my private musings. No need to air the laundry in public.

But to wrap up, the important thing is I'm working on it, and I know I can talk to him about anything I want because he'll listen to me. And I think that's probably the best thing he can do for me now. (In case you're reading, good job hon. :) )

One thing I find funny, is that Meyers Briggs says our personalities are very good for each other. ha. we'll see what happens.

UGh. I hate the future. too many variables, and i'm not ready for any of them on any level. MEh.

End of the semester note

Dear Diary,

I guess this one should be monumental or something, because I'm halfway finished with my undergrad. But it won't be, at least, right now I don't think I have anything profound to write. I almost didn't write one, but then I realized that I actually did do one last semester, so I really owe it to myself to keep up the tradition.

If last year was sunshine and meadows, this year was rainstorms and mountains. It wasn't entirely pleasant, but there was a lot of good. If I'm going to be honest in figuring out what I've learned, it's not going to be sugary and nice. I've seen a few catastrophes and tragedies, through my eyes and others. The world didn't end, but it seemed like it came close a few times. This may not be all nice, but I'm going to slog through it, so I can look back next year and remind myself of it.

First, if things go bad, really bad, then panic and crying never solves or helps the problem. What makes it better are calmness, compassion and decisiveness. There will, and should, be a time for crying. It's therapeutic, and we all need at least someone we can cry on.

I love my friends dearly, even if we grow apart. And by grow apart, I mean make decisions and do things that really piss each other off. What I decided last year about love still holds true: if you decide to love someone, to really love them, that never turns off. Your affection may go away, but your love won't. If it does, I really think that you either never really loved them to begin with, or don't understand what that is really about. I love my friends, and we've all definitely 'grown apart' this year. But I'm still pretty sure, nah, certain, that in the clutch they would be there for me. I guess that's what it's really about. Along the same lines, I know I do things that really annoy/concern/piss off/anger/frustrate some of my friends. But I'm selfish in that I'm okay with that. :-) For the first time, I feel like I don't have to be 'allowed' to do something, and that I can trust that my friends will still love me even if I go date an atheist or bemoan the god squad. This is a very, very good feeling. I know I'm lucky.

Speaking of Doug, he's definitely one of the better things that has happened this year. For better or for worse, he's been there to make me laugh and cry on and argue with and just be there when everyone else is doing other things. He makes me happy.

So what else...

~Procrastination will kill me. Next year WILL get better. Maybe.

~Drinking is overrated. Getting shwasted = bad. Having a beer while watching awesome comedies = good.

~Tumblr is addicting.

~Two end of the year hugs are the best thank you an RA can get.

~Band is dying, but I'm like Dr. House. I WILL find a solution.

~Band without Klunk is dark and sad.

~New Jersey's not too bad, but I still prefer Washington.

~It's good to be nice to important looking people in ties when you're in the RA work room. Mr. Important knows my name and talks to me on campus, but I have no idea who he is. Building committee?

~I desire to invest in a better wardrobe. I'm going to be a real person in a few years, and I'd like to look like one! Plus my jeans all have holes in conspicuous places...

~Go out and do something, and if in the middle of doing it you discover you're bound to fail, finish it with your all just to say you did. It might even turn out okay. Just don't do it more than once.

~Many people are surprisingly good, but many can also be really annoying.

~Gossip is bad, even when it seems harmless. It's ALWAYS better to just keep your damn mouth shut.

~I'm not as naive, but I'm still in that camp. And I like it that way.

~Communication is important.

~Cave your pride. It's good for you and will often get you the help you need.

Next year looks brilliant. I've got high hopes, and a better understanding of how things might turn out. Enjoy your summers, my friends. For now, I have a job to find and a road trip to plan.

Until August,

Katelyn

hmph.

And so now I'm home. I smell tasty things being cooked downstairs. A comprehensive account of this semester shall follow shortly.

Nostalgia

See what happens when I write a post like my last one? My world implodes. But more on that later.

I started facebook stalking the old crowd today. The Camas Kids. The Camas Band Nerds. I miss them. :P

David, Chris, Kristie, Kyann...Nate...Chad(ley) and Brent(alope)...

What is this, the last year before people go off, graduate for reals and become legit adults? Yep.

The curse of having a four year spread.

In my memory this was better than it actually was. Or maybe I just didn't appreciate it then.

I'm hankering for a stargazing night. Or a Rimsky's run. Or a Portland Adventure.

I really could care less....or at least, that's where it looks like i"m heading.

I've been spending too much time on Tumblr.

I'm thinking about turning in early and then waking up and studying for greek. I'm really just on burn out. Dr. Sollenburger really shouldn't have told us that we only have two more classes, and then the final. I'm really close to just not caring. Oh, and I might get a C in modciv. Me being the idiot completely missed the boat on the 1-2pt 'questions' we were supposed to turn in with every reading. Oh well. Like I said, I'm teetering on burnout.

I really would like to go home. Like, really. But I'd rather not leave Doug for three months. Bah. But right now a recharge away from school for a long time almost seems worth it.

Ugh, I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I have no motivation or overreaching 'goal' to go for. I do know that I really don't like having tension and stress and a million demands put on me. Which makes me wonder if my slight interest in religious life is just based on my perception that I wouldn't have to worry about that anymore. Which also makes me think that I'm not motivated or self driven enough and too lazy, which makes me wonder if maybe I'm not supposed to be here. But I know that's stupid.

Yeah, so I really don't have anything interesting to say.

I do feel like I'm missing a sense of permanance that I had previously. I really don't like change, in case you can't tell. I can deal with it, but it doesn't make me happy. I kinda feel like the only people who are going to last in my life are my family. I don't mean that everyone else is expendable, but more like...I shouldn't get too attached, because they're going to leave soon anyway, maybe not tomorrow, but they're going to leave and I"m going to feel bad, and I really have an aversion to that. Part of me thinks tht it's residue from the Derek crap I went through last year. Probably is, seeing as I can't really pinpoint anything else. But part of me also thinks that it's a self fulfilling prophesy, that if I don't let myself get thoroughly attached people are more likely to leave. So i don't know. It's lonely, but at least it doesn't hurt, ya know?

I need to get better at communicating.

So yeah. For now I guess I'm just going to do what I can to survive these next two weeks and then go home and see what happens from there.

THE QUESTION

I've been reminded of how utterly open my future is, that I'm not sure what I want to do in the slightest. Grad school? I don't know if I have enough drive. Workforce? I don't know if I'll even be able to get a job, and then a job that I don't hate. Devote myself to Jesus? That's scary, and I don't know if I'm Sister material. Backpack around Europe? That kills my options for the future. Settle down and pop out some kids? Sorry honey, but right now that's a definite NO. Go be a lay missionary? I don't know what charity, or where, or what to do afterwards (but I could just think about it then...).

I should really just pray about it. But I keep feeling like the message I'm getting is "shut up and be a student". To concern myself with the present, because maybe I'm supposted to learn something.

Part of me craves a simple life, because those are the times when I've been at peace (no demands, not much stress, ya know?). But then another part of me enjoys the high end of society. But I know I could live on not much. I do travel light.

I do like to travel. Or, I should say, I find seeing other places fascinating and I can handle being away from home for long periods of time.

But I don't know...

So off to bed to play with this question instead of sleep.

The Christian understanding of being an RA

I am so, so mad right now.

But the reason why I'm mad isn't justified. It's part of the cross we're bearing. The ResLife cross we're bearing. We are called to a higher standard than the other students, and you can't deny that. You give up your freedom and your anonymity with this job.

I'm so mad at him, so so SO mad at him. It's low, disgusting and petty. He's grabbing for everyone around him to drag down with him, instead of taking responsibility for what he did. It's immature and hypocritical. I hate it, hate it.

But he's right, and Katherine's gracious, so I get to suck it up and be better than everyone else. And until I'm not mad anymore, that will be my consolation. I'm better than that one who's trying to throw us all under the bus. I have no choice now than to live up to this standard.

This has implications for next year, too. Now that someone has said something, no one else can. Fuck that shit. I don't want to be better. But we have to be, because we chose to be.

And in a way I get a sort of peace from that. Go ahead, call me out for being elitist. I don't care, because that's what I'm going to be until I'm not mad anymore. Better to be elitist than vindictive.

Rawr.

So like...yeah. Today sucks.

Mostly because I had my Greek Midterm and probably didn't pull a high enough number to pull my grade out of the gutter, and if I don't get it up just that wee bit my advisor's going to make me withdraw from it, forcing me to take a WHOLE extra year of a language, making my GPA suicide meaningless.

The good news? Umm....it's over, I guess.

I also have to write my major paper on descartes and/or Hume for Miller. But the good thing there is that enough people bitched and it got moved to wednesday. My 3 page busywork essay for science also got moved, to Sunday. So at least I've got more time on it.

Plus I'm still slightly tense from one of my catholic acquaintences reminding me of the fact that from a vocational viewpoint my relationship with my boyfriend is not only meaningless but harmful to both of us in the sense that we're just using each other and that my reasons for dating him aren't good enough. One should note that I'm definitely exaggerating this to some extent, and that although I don't hold it against my acquiantence (thank you, Kayla, for kindly reminding me that I really shouldn't), it's still a touchy issue with me. I really shouldn't get this hostile for this long about it, but seriously...I can't really help it, especially when I'm already over emotional to begin with this week. And seriously, why the heck does anyone even bother asking when obviously any justifying answer I give won't be 'good enough'.

See, the thing is I understand a lot of theology. But at the same time, my heart isn't in it to the same degree that my mind is, if that makes any sense. I'm trying to help my heart catch up to where my head is, and it's not happening overnight. The problem isn't that I don't understand the "theology" or reasoning or whatever behind everything, it's that I can't see how it goes into practice in the sense of really understanding it to the point of willingly embracing it.

Add this to the insecurity that I already have, worrying that I'm being seen as a lesser mortal because I'm not holy enough (oh, look, she's not as progressed as we are, obviously!), thinking that people condemn me behind my back just like I do in my own head. It's gotten better, really, it has. I'm figuring out how to let myself trust people's friendships more than I did before. These occaisional flairups suck, though.

So yeah. MEH.


AND I'm on rounds tonight. *sigh* Maybe that's a good thing...idk. But hey, I mean, days that suck like this really help make the better days seem that much better. Granted, there's also the fact that because I was so damn happy last year this year feels like a poor shadow of contentment...but I'll think about that later. The important this is that it WILL get better. Yes?

Sure. Why the hell not.

Green Beer, Sparkles, and Grandmas

It's been a while, I know.

So what's been going on in the other side of sanity since we last met? A fair amount, but nothing life changing. Or so it seems yet.

I think I'm happy. Things make me happy, I should say. People make me happy. But I'm not actualized yet. I guess that's something to live for, when things go down, as long as I believe that I can still actualize.

The boy, Doug, is something that often makes me happy. I'll admit it, I wasn't sure for a bit, that it would survive. But part's over now, I figure it's lasted this long, and I think we've gotten past at least one small hill. Plus the ride downhill is almost always worth the climb. :) I won't say that it will last forever, that would be way too presumptuous than I'm comfortable with. But in the meantime while it lasts we'll enjoy it and learn a bit from each other.

Oh yes, it's St. Patty's day. No green beer for me. But that's all right, I don't mind. What I do know is that I'm going to crack down on my residents straight out next year. See, I feel like my girls now get away with far too much, but at the same time they're pretty smart about it and able to get away with it, but STILL at the same time that all doesn't sit right with me. On the other hand, as of now my residents will all be freshmen honors chicas, completely different from my darling sparkly nightlife loving ladies. Or at least that's what stereotypes and experience tell me. So really I'll probably be able to crack down without actually cracking down.

Hmmm....in academic news, if I don't score well on this upcoming 'midterm' for Greek, Fr. Jim (the advisor for moi) will likely make me drop it. So no pressure or anything. He did say that he admired me for taking a class that was risky for my GPA but probably good for my education. Dr. Samples says I'm honest. I think Katherine thinks so too. Truthfully, I'm more honest with Samples than Katherine. For obvious reasons, though. It's all in the word choice, really. I'm just kinda hoping that Katherine reads between the lines I draw and sees me for what I am while still having a good portrait of who I am. OH yeah. I still have to take Christology. *sigh* I'll worry about that next year.

I really need to work out a bit more so I can feel good about dishing out the bucks for the bikini I bought. It's really incredibly vain of me...but I'm only going to be in my 20s once, and knowing my family history I'll only have a shot at a bikini-ready body while I'm in my 20s, so why not try and put the effort out now and then later be able to say that I got to enjoy it? (I've seen pictures of my grandma...she was drop dead gorgeous) I think the world may be corrupting my vision. But part of me thinks that part of the deal is that you're supposed to break a few of the rules when you're young, so that you have memories for when you're older and supposed to settle down. Because if you don't do it now, a 40 year old taking a joyride up the the quarry to get a little schwasted with some friends is just gross. It comes down to the feeling that I don't want to miss out on things and have regrets later. High school generated enough of those for me. I don't want college to go by the same way. Now, of course I'm not saying I'm going to abandon all of my morals. But I just want to...go out on a limb every now and again. I need more stories to tell my kids and grandkids anyway.

This year has gone by at breakneck speed. Especially compared to last year. I definitely don't want next year to go by this fast.

For now I'm going to bed, because I'm tired and will get up for breakfast. Woot.

Silly phone.

I've decided that my cell phone is the one thing I can't live without right now. It's my security blanket. I literally get nervous and tense and can't do anything if I don't have it, or know where it is. Seriously, I've been slightly spazzing today, until I found it in my desk. I'm silly. :P I think it's because it's my lifeline to my family; without it I really am all alone out here at school. I still feel like a strange kid from Washington sometimes who doesn't really fit in. Maybe I will end up going back to Washington after I get done with school. I guess it just depends on whether or not I can find people to really love out here. If I can get a family of sorts of my own before/during/after grad school out here, I can be happy. If not, I'll be heading back to my first family. My heart's still in Washington. But I would love to travel. I can't wait to go to Austria. I want to see Italy and Paris, too. Even London. Now if only I had the means to do so...

MIKA

I must seem bipolar from my blog posts. Haha.

I've been thinking. There are lots of different people I've come to know, especially in the past two years. Last year I met lots of people, and found acceptance. This year I've met a couple more, but also found rejection. Or at least, that's my mood at the moment. I keep thinking about how last year was a blast, and this year, not so much. I don't think it's possible for it to be as much fun, and for me to 'make good life decisions'. Right now is one of those times where I wish there was more to do on campus. Part of me wants to transfer somewhere right now. Maybe Catholic U, I dunno. The thing is, I love it here, but I'm also quite lonely and bored right now. I feel like things, everything, is deteriorating. But then again this could just be me being bored and mopey and insecure. Next year is going to have to be great. But it's so far away. Right now I just feel angsty and angry and frustrated and sad and annoyed and all of it.

Christ, I need to go on a retreat. All of this just throws me in a doubting mood. I know it'll pass. They always do. It's just tough to be in the middle of it all. God, I just feel so alone. And I'm not happy. I need to figure out what's going to make me happy.

...

Nope, a walk around the building didn't help. Gah. See, this is what drives people to go and party. It's the only thing you can do to avoid this mindset.

No one's got their door open, nothing good is on tv, it's too late to call my house, my friends are all busy...

...

Is it when I get like this that the truth comes out? Or is it just the Devil working at me? See, part of me won't let go of religion because of Pascal's wager. If it's right, I've got far too much to lose.

...

Sweet Jesus, I found the Princess Bride on TV. I'm saved. :)

Give me your eyes, I need the sunshine.

Finally, something happy. I miss being happy.

I'm sick, but that's ok, it's not that bad, thanks to drugs. Just a little annoying, and slightly contagious. I studied my butt off for a Greek quiz, only to have it not happen. I haven't seen my boy much lately, but when I do it's sweet. My residents give me mad crap about Doug, but I'm happy they do. It's a happy dynamic. There's pot on the hall, but it'll get caught eventually. Gives me something to do. Weather's been nice lately. I love the sunshine, and the rain. I guess life's always good, it just doesn't feel like it all the time. And right now, it does. :-)

Public Notice.

Someone's flying into Camp David. :P

But in other news more relevant to my life...

Holy crap I hate PMS. Every couple months I get a really bad wave of it. I think it's either when I'm really stressed or...screw it, I have no idea. I've got mood swings and comfort food cravings up the wazzoo. I can't understand some of my subjects worth anything, either. That's probably the most irritating part. In high school, whenever this would happen, I couldn't do math or german to save my life. Especially calculus, holy crap. I wasn't too bad at some of it (when I actually did my work), but if I was experiencing one of these PMS waves, I couldn't do it, at all. Luckily the AP test wasn't during one of those weeks. I'm not quite sure what's causing it, either. But see, now it's just happening to my Greek. I can't remember ANYTHING. Well, some of it. Probably chapters 1-4. So half. But like...I studied for a good three hours over the course of the couple days before the last quiz, and I completely and totally bombed it. Maybe sollenburger asked words I didn't know...maybe it was just my inefficient study habits. I have enough trouble trying to learn it when I'm not going psycho, though. I can't wait until this week is over. God please, get my hormones back to normal.

So yeah. I'm hating this week, hardcore. And please just beware that I'm not myself, so don't take anything I say personally. :)

Hey there kids.

Hi there.

I'm just saying that I love arguing for the sake of arguing (and even just a little bit to prove that your right) while not taking too much personal offense at it, or at least moving on afterwards. :)

I get to go to the March for Life tomorrow! Yay! I've got Rounds tonight, though. I don't know if I'll sleep much. Maybe just a little. Then stuff my ginormous book in my purse to bring to read on the bus a little, in case I can't sleep.

So yeah. I may go take a nap now, get it out of the way.

Love to my dears. :)

Happy Obama Day

It's been a bit, but I have a thought.

I can't shake this feeling I've had for the last couple of days. What feeling? This feeling like the end's coming. Oh no, don't worry, I'm not suicidal (far from it, actually. I love life.), but for some reason I keep feeling like I'm not going to live too far into the future. It's completely irrational, illogical and unfounded. But I can't see past Thursday. To think that something's going to happen to me really seems ridiculous, but in all honesty a little part of me will be surprised if I wake up Friday morning. Or even Saturday morning. I hate to be all morbid like this, but I just can't shake this feeling. Maybe it's runoff from being emo earlier this week, coupled with the fact that I really have no plan for my future at all that I can see. Grad school, sure, why not. only because I've got nothing else better to do. I need a goal, and without it all I see is nothingness. On the flip side, I find that this feeling is forces into perspective the present, helping me enjoy it while it lasts. I've always thought about making an unofficial will, or something, just in case something horrible happens. Accidents happen, planes go down. I dunno. Heh, all it would say is to give it all to Jess.

But hey, in reality, none of this is going to come true, and it's just a feeling.

Happy Obama Day, everyone. It's the start of a new era. What kind of era? We'll find out. Could it be the beginning of the end? Or the beginning of the beginning? I dunno, if you're like me an believe that an apocalypse is going to happen someday, then...*shrug* who knows? Not likely to happen, but ya never know. Prayers for Obama are requested. Thanks. :)

Before flight....

1 year, 4 months, 20 days, 18 hours, 2 minutes and 33 seconds ago it was the day that I left for school the first time. I know, because I have a counter on my HP laptop.

I'm trying to convince myself that the trip won't be as long as the last one. Three days. No, I'll get in Baltimore around 4pm. Not tomorrow, but later today. I still haven't packed yet. haha. But what's an all night vigil for, anyway?

I had planned on sleeping, too. Thought about it, and it was a good idea. But here I am, staying up late, until mom and dad reawaken to take me to PDX. I think I do these to help with the transition process. I'm a fan of rituals and tradition, and this is my own little ritual I have. Stay up all night, get started with the solitude. Some nice reflection before I embark on my life-switch.

Man, Mewy Bear is freaking huge. When I left, she was a tiny little kitten that I had been box training and I had to wake up all hours of the night to play with or let out or whatever. Now she's a freaking grey lion. And a princess. I wish I had more time to get to know her now.

Oh, I'm so glad Sio and Benitez are picking me up. Of course, I'd rather have Doug, of course. I can't wait to see him. :) But I miss Sio and Benitez dearly, too, and I'm eternally grateful that they're able to drive out to get me. It's rather exciting, and comforting to know that two people I love, members of my Mount family, are meeting me. And then get to school, unpack, give Doug a nice hello, and say hi to Sarah for a while before she leaves tomorrow for london. Then go back and spend more time with Doug. It's only good things that await me, in the forseeable future. Maybe this semester will be good. Could this be a good sign? or maybe just a recompense for the crap in this past one? Or good things for now, then I'll be hit with a whammy later? As you can tell, I'm a bit pessimistic. I'm worn from trying to see the bright side, but now I'm tired from bitching about how stupid this is, so I'm on my way back to choosing to be positive. It's not humanity's fault that I got three days screwed out of my vacation. And who am I to question God? No one, that's who. So my only option, really, is to work towards making things good for myself and those around me.

My god, I just want to cry. uck. Get the stress and emotion out. Not wanting to leave, feeling cheated out of time with my family, finally getting back to having a really good relationship with my siblings, wishing I could be with Doug sooner than possible, missing my beloved Mounties, aggravated that I didn't end up seeing everyone I wanted here, apprehension at this semester, working up a healthier lifestyle consisting of actual excersize (because I've decided to be vain and I want to alter a few of my curves) and lunches full of rabbit food, this list goes on and on and on and on and on....

But for now, i can't think about that. We'll just choose to remember that Sio and Benitez will be meeting me, in less than a day. That I'll get to see Doug soon after, make up for lost time. See Sarah one last time before she leaves. Be back on my Mount. It's a happy thought. Purely happy thought, really. I can't believe it's so good, really. It's not often that I get to look forward to something that'll make me this happy, and know that it's coming in a matter of hours. Nope, that's my problem. I can't believe it just yet.

But oh man, it'll be so sweet when I do.

Now, to packing. Good bye, my dears. Hello soon, my beloveds.

Whining

I DON'T want to go back.

I'm not going.

You can't make me.

...

I got cheated out of part of my break, and I want a refund. Sadly, that refund is going to come in three days of Winter RA Training, including two hours of "Bias Related Incident Response". Bullshit. I really can't stand diversity training. Oh, I think it's all well and good, definitely necessary and everyone should go through it to become an RA, blah blah blah. But I personally hate it. I don't have to like it.

And this SO ISN'T FAIR. OH! mY god. First the university shaves a week off Christmas break, then I have to come back early for RA training, THEN I decide that not going home for four fucking and a half months is a good idea, AND THEN I get stuck in FREAKING DENVER for THREE FREAKING DAYS, not knowing if I'll get on a plane for half of that, while waiting in lines for two hours at a time with pissy people (and awesome people, but I can't really talk about them in a rant, now, can I?), and THEN my parents end up driving me the three freaking hours home from Seattle, so I get home FINALLY at 1am Dec 24th. And when I got home, everyone had been snowed in for days and were cranky and ornry, so I had to work overtime on the happy to make everyone else have fun, and really all I want is my three days back.

Three more fucking days I was cheated out fo the small allottment of break my pimp Reslife gave me off. GAWD. FUCK taht shit. I want to stay here, so I'm not going. Dammit. I'm pissed, I'm sick and tired of digging deep to find the fucking bright side so I don't go crazy and add to it, so I can enjoy what little fucking time I have.


FUCK that shit.

...

I swear, if it wasn't for the fact that I'm aching to see Doug, to see Sio, Benitez, and even Cliff too, I'd be kicking and screaming as much as I was when I first had to fly out to god forsaken Baltimore.

In twelve fucking hours I'll be taking off. MY GOD. I don't believe it. I refuse. NO.

But the kicker is that I can't not go back. I love those people, that world, that life way too much to stay here.

Rice, Glass, and Rain

It's 2am East Coast time, so it's officially the golden hour. Over there.

I'm in a rather particularly passionate mood this evening. I've started digging into Merrick, one of my Anne Rice novels I got for Christmas. I'm realizing that I really need to go back and reread the whole series. Start with Interview, and do a good job of going through them in order. Interview with a Vampire, The Vampire Lestat, Queen of the Damned, Tale of the Body Thief, Memnoch the Devil, The Vampire Armand, Blood and Gold, Blackwood Farm, and Blood Canticle. Well, Armand and Gold aren't required. I just need the ones that surround my beloved Lestat. My beloved Brat Prince Vampire that Bad Katelyn swoons over. But even so, just those seven books would take me at least a year, probably two to get through, with the rate that I read. Well, never mind. If I spend the summer West Side, I'll need something to occupy my time. And what better way to spend my late afternoons and early evenings than spralled out on my roof, reading my Rice-ian vampire fiction by the light of the sunset until it's too dark to see? I had forgotten why these are my favorites. Oh, they're so delicious. Who needs erotica? Pft, I've got my verbiage porn. Sweet nectar of the gods; writing shouldn't taste this good to me. But it does. So delectably satisfying.

It's also raining pretty hard tonight. Flood warnings abound. The pond water will probably flood over the dam. That is, if it holds. It should. If not, we'll just hope the rock star neighbors with their fast Element car and odd hours are kind and won't sue us for water damages. *cue evil grin*

Finally, by way of Facebook status stalking I came upon some good Phillip Glass music. Blends awefully well with the current setting, I think. "Metamorphosis".