Brainwashing has such a negative connotation.
I'm currently under construction, and brainwashing myself with music.
I think subliminal messaging is probably one of the causes of self image issues in girls. I'm a bit paranoid now. Thanks, Derek.
I'm not quite sure which way to go. I think I'm in the process of solidifying, at least, in some respects. Ha, I can feel my brain developing. My consciousness is different, I can tell. Yay. And my disposition.
I wanna write, but I'm seeing all these glaring deficiencies. They tell me that I've got a lot of work ahead of me. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I have the drive or maybe the ability. That it's too late, that I should be farther along. Ha, I'm contemplating putting this on Facebook.
Because you know what that means? Oh, I want encouragement. I'm not supposed to be weak, I'm supposed to be strong, and I'm going to get ridiculed if I show weakness. In one way or another. No one likes someone who constantly asks for it. One voice wants to say well, screw you all, yes, I apologize that I don't have enough security or personal drive or confidence to do everything on my own.
Maybe this is where God is supposed to come in for us Christians. Oh, where's David to give me a kick in the ass when I need it? Ha, right here, with "on distant shores". Thanks, you totally got me addicted to ska, btw.
Oh, but that whole department has always been a foreign concept to me. It's like fractions. I just don't get it (I get fractions now, but it took me FOR EV ER). I never figured out (or no one taught me) how to pray. What's a relationship with God supposed to be like? I think right now I'm sorta exploring the other side, which is hard because I've got a guilt complex preventing me from totally rebelling. But see, how can I confess sin that I intended to commit, and am not yet sorry for because it improved my understanding and is necessary?
I think I want to write a book about this stuff, when I figure it out. Spirituality for 'real' people, and Derek and Nick would say. Or just a spirituality book for people who aren't encased in their own little world, for the in between, for the kids who never did the big screw up or the ones who never were perfect. I dunno.
I'm coming up with ideas and drawing conclusions, and for the first time they're disagreeing with some of those closest to me. What, you mean it's ok for me to be my own person? Yeah, sure, I know, obvious, right? To society. But not to my society. I'm expanding and contracting and trying to figure all this out, like other people, so LAY OFF. Mostly I'm saying that to myself. Rationalizing and whatnot. Convincing. Brainwashing.
After getting tired of aiming high, I shot for mediocrity. How can I aim high again? I don't have dreams. My goals are: Graduate from college. Get decent paying job that I enjoy. Get married. Raise a family. Other than that I've got nothing. Oh yeah, just look at what you like to do, what do you want to do? I don't know. Well, figure it out. How? I can't tell you that. Gee, thanks.
You know what? I like comments, just because I like seeing what other people think of my thoughts. I like it. I'm interested in what they think. Whatever it is.
I can do anything I put my mind to. Except rise to the top echelon. Is it a self fulfilling prophesy? Maybe. Probably. But once this Yossarian figures out how run, I'll get out of the paradox.
Here's what I'm brainwashing myself with:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8p916axHYM
Ha, I did end up putting this on Facebook.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Samson
You are my sweetest downfall...I loved you first, I loved you first...
You know, I used to think Regina was talking about loving him before her. Before some other girl that he's with now. She's not, at least, not to me anymore. He's her first love.
Congratulations. College gave you a priceless learning experience, all in one. First love and loss.
...Oh I cut his hair myself one night, a pair of dull scissors in the yellow light, and he told that I'd done all right, and kissed me 'till the morning light, the morning light, and kissed me till the morning light...
Aww, Christ. Damn, I was so naive. Still am, really. Silly, silly girl, falling for a silly, silly boy. Now, if I want to do this properly, I'd lock myself in my room and cry for a few days. But I won't because there was no proper relationship. Woot yeah.
The thing is, he's no better than me. someday he'll figure it out.
So many assumptions, naive ultimatums...no boy will make me cry, if it's real it'll last forever, if it's real you'll see it lasting...oi. All I want to do is go off and get drunk. Forget him. i know I won't.
I want someone, anyone, else make me feel what he did. God it was good. God it was addictive. Wipe those eyes from my memory, that smile, that touch. Just like David, burn it. uhhhhhghhh.
What am I doing? Getting rid of my romantic love. My consolation: I can hang onto the fact that I can love him as one of my best friends. Sweet.
Eh, I can't talk to anyone about it. I could. But it's dumb. Nick's hurting enough, Andy's on the opposite end and hates him anyway so there's no way he'd be sympathetic. Der....yeah right.
Damn, and I thought I had it. Oh well. Go cry on the steps of Bradley.
Fool proof method as designed by me to get rid of him:
We'll see how this works. It should be better by the end of the summer. Done.
You know, I used to think Regina was talking about loving him before her. Before some other girl that he's with now. She's not, at least, not to me anymore. He's her first love.
Congratulations. College gave you a priceless learning experience, all in one. First love and loss.
...Oh I cut his hair myself one night, a pair of dull scissors in the yellow light, and he told that I'd done all right, and kissed me 'till the morning light, the morning light, and kissed me till the morning light...
Aww, Christ. Damn, I was so naive. Still am, really. Silly, silly girl, falling for a silly, silly boy. Now, if I want to do this properly, I'd lock myself in my room and cry for a few days. But I won't because there was no proper relationship. Woot yeah.
The thing is, he's no better than me. someday he'll figure it out.
So many assumptions, naive ultimatums...no boy will make me cry, if it's real it'll last forever, if it's real you'll see it lasting...oi. All I want to do is go off and get drunk. Forget him. i know I won't.
I want someone, anyone, else make me feel what he did. God it was good. God it was addictive. Wipe those eyes from my memory, that smile, that touch. Just like David, burn it. uhhhhhghhh.
What am I doing? Getting rid of my romantic love. My consolation: I can hang onto the fact that I can love him as one of my best friends. Sweet.
Eh, I can't talk to anyone about it. I could. But it's dumb. Nick's hurting enough, Andy's on the opposite end and hates him anyway so there's no way he'd be sympathetic. Der....yeah right.
Damn, and I thought I had it. Oh well. Go cry on the steps of Bradley.
Fool proof method as designed by me to get rid of him:
- Don't let yourself believe that it's possible. It's not. You were wrong.
- Don't listen to love songs at all costs. Listen to loss songs. Listen to country. Listen to power songs.
- Block his profiles. Use willpower. You don't care about what he's doing.
- Cry. Get mad. He's not worth your devotion or care.
- Distract yourself. Get a job. A hobby. Addictive internet websites. Friends
- Hang out with other people.
- Don't make excuses for him. He's got flaws, he doesn't feel the same way. That's just how it is.
- Laugh. Get other things to make you happy.
- Don't buy that pink sundress. In fact, don't buy any pink. Unless it's slutty lingerie.
We'll see how this works. It should be better by the end of the summer. Done.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Two Down, Six to Go
Dear Mount Family,
You changed my life. I’ll never forget it.
Love,
Steinke
P.S: I realized that I’m growing up. I’m a young adult in college, and my childhood is done. Sure, that doesn’t mean that I’m not going to have fun. Quite the contrary, I plan to have just as, if not more intense fun mixed with just as if not more intense responsibilities during these next few years. It’s a weird feeling, like a click inside me that I can’t control. Maybe it’s grace. Maybe it’s biology. Maybe it’s all in my head. Oh, and remember how I wrote a bunch of notes about being scared of losing stuff and not being able to make it work? Guess what everyone, I’m not scared anymore. I know I can do it, and it’s awesome. And simple. I think it has to do with the idea of home, or something similar. I’m getting closer to the point where I’ll be able to take home with me, at least for a while. Home is where I have people who love me. Meaning, all over a bunch of states. It’s kinda cool. Stepping off the plane in Washington, I breathed in the air and felt like I was purging something from my system. Weird, huh? I love it here, the atmosphere. But you know, I miss the birds during the day. Yes, I miss Maryland. I miss the Mount. I miss walking across campus for food, sleeping more in the Honors Lounge than in my bed, Mass at night on Sundays with Café afterwards, watching the world around me grow old and die and regenerate itself even more beautiful than before. Maybe it’s easier to miss the Mount because a bunch of things here at home are changing, too. It’s like my past is slowly dying, and only exists in my memory. Sure, it was bound to happen. But it’s weird to go through it.
P.P.S: So what else have I learned this semester? If we didn’t know what true friendship means, we do now. I can tell who my best friends are because they know more about my flaws and weaknesses than I would ever admit or even know about, and they love me anyway. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stay mad at my friends when they want to make things right. Age is just a number except for drinking and sex. In small, controlled amounts, alcohol won’t send you to hell. Neither will slackening the hold on your hormones. Always pick up your dry clothes, because the Mount WILL eat six pairs of jeans and two pairs of shorts (when I came to school I had ten pairs of jeans. Now I’m down to one. What gives?). Always talk things out, but sometimes it’s better not to argue or even express your opinion. The grade is worth the effort, but not much more. An A feels awesome, but a 100% still feels better. Procrastination will be the death of me, so I’m in rehab. My opinions on virtually everything are fluid, even though I’ll say otherwise to keep my pride. Rock climbing is awesome. No matter how old you are, band trips are amazing. Emphatic listening works. Care enough to ask. Put yourself on a shelf and give and give and give and take a Sabbath. When things get rough, taking a walk is a good idea, and there’s no harm in having it end breaking down on the steps of Bradley at 3am. I don’t have to tell you everything, but I have to let you in. Always keep at least enough perspective to ask your friends to beat some into you. Bleu Cheese rocks and veal is mean. Take some time to figure out your standards, and stick to them. Then, when it’s safe, reevaluate. God will give me no more than I can handle, I just have to choose to handle it. I don’t know where I’m going to end up after college. Afterwards, I may go days, weeks or months without thinking of you. But I will never forget you. I think there’s a difference. So for these next few years, let’s raise our glasses and live it up. It’s the one shot I’ve got to experience the college thing with all of you, and I couldn’t ask for better companions for the ride.
You changed my life. I’ll never forget it.
Love,
Steinke
P.S: I realized that I’m growing up. I’m a young adult in college, and my childhood is done. Sure, that doesn’t mean that I’m not going to have fun. Quite the contrary, I plan to have just as, if not more intense fun mixed with just as if not more intense responsibilities during these next few years. It’s a weird feeling, like a click inside me that I can’t control. Maybe it’s grace. Maybe it’s biology. Maybe it’s all in my head. Oh, and remember how I wrote a bunch of notes about being scared of losing stuff and not being able to make it work? Guess what everyone, I’m not scared anymore. I know I can do it, and it’s awesome. And simple. I think it has to do with the idea of home, or something similar. I’m getting closer to the point where I’ll be able to take home with me, at least for a while. Home is where I have people who love me. Meaning, all over a bunch of states. It’s kinda cool. Stepping off the plane in Washington, I breathed in the air and felt like I was purging something from my system. Weird, huh? I love it here, the atmosphere. But you know, I miss the birds during the day. Yes, I miss Maryland. I miss the Mount. I miss walking across campus for food, sleeping more in the Honors Lounge than in my bed, Mass at night on Sundays with Café afterwards, watching the world around me grow old and die and regenerate itself even more beautiful than before. Maybe it’s easier to miss the Mount because a bunch of things here at home are changing, too. It’s like my past is slowly dying, and only exists in my memory. Sure, it was bound to happen. But it’s weird to go through it.
P.P.S: So what else have I learned this semester? If we didn’t know what true friendship means, we do now. I can tell who my best friends are because they know more about my flaws and weaknesses than I would ever admit or even know about, and they love me anyway. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stay mad at my friends when they want to make things right. Age is just a number except for drinking and sex. In small, controlled amounts, alcohol won’t send you to hell. Neither will slackening the hold on your hormones. Always pick up your dry clothes, because the Mount WILL eat six pairs of jeans and two pairs of shorts (when I came to school I had ten pairs of jeans. Now I’m down to one. What gives?). Always talk things out, but sometimes it’s better not to argue or even express your opinion. The grade is worth the effort, but not much more. An A feels awesome, but a 100% still feels better. Procrastination will be the death of me, so I’m in rehab. My opinions on virtually everything are fluid, even though I’ll say otherwise to keep my pride. Rock climbing is awesome. No matter how old you are, band trips are amazing. Emphatic listening works. Care enough to ask. Put yourself on a shelf and give and give and give and take a Sabbath. When things get rough, taking a walk is a good idea, and there’s no harm in having it end breaking down on the steps of Bradley at 3am. I don’t have to tell you everything, but I have to let you in. Always keep at least enough perspective to ask your friends to beat some into you. Bleu Cheese rocks and veal is mean. Take some time to figure out your standards, and stick to them. Then, when it’s safe, reevaluate. God will give me no more than I can handle, I just have to choose to handle it. I don’t know where I’m going to end up after college. Afterwards, I may go days, weeks or months without thinking of you. But I will never forget you. I think there’s a difference. So for these next few years, let’s raise our glasses and live it up. It’s the one shot I’ve got to experience the college thing with all of you, and I couldn’t ask for better companions for the ride.
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