thoughts while brainwashing myself with FIF

Brainwashing has such a negative connotation.

I'm currently under construction, and brainwashing myself with music.

I think subliminal messaging is probably one of the causes of self image issues in girls. I'm a bit paranoid now. Thanks, Derek.

I'm not quite sure which way to go. I think I'm in the process of solidifying, at least, in some respects. Ha, I can feel my brain developing. My consciousness is different, I can tell. Yay. And my disposition.

I wanna write, but I'm seeing all these glaring deficiencies. They tell me that I've got a lot of work ahead of me. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I have the drive or maybe the ability. That it's too late, that I should be farther along. Ha, I'm contemplating putting this on Facebook.

Because you know what that means? Oh, I want encouragement. I'm not supposed to be weak, I'm supposed to be strong, and I'm going to get ridiculed if I show weakness. In one way or another. No one likes someone who constantly asks for it. One voice wants to say well, screw you all, yes, I apologize that I don't have enough security or personal drive or confidence to do everything on my own.

Maybe this is where God is supposed to come in for us Christians. Oh, where's David to give me a kick in the ass when I need it? Ha, right here, with "on distant shores". Thanks, you totally got me addicted to ska, btw.

Oh, but that whole department has always been a foreign concept to me. It's like fractions. I just don't get it (I get fractions now, but it took me FOR EV ER). I never figured out (or no one taught me) how to pray. What's a relationship with God supposed to be like? I think right now I'm sorta exploring the other side, which is hard because I've got a guilt complex preventing me from totally rebelling. But see, how can I confess sin that I intended to commit, and am not yet sorry for because it improved my understanding and is necessary?

I think I want to write a book about this stuff, when I figure it out. Spirituality for 'real' people, and Derek and Nick would say. Or just a spirituality book for people who aren't encased in their own little world, for the in between, for the kids who never did the big screw up or the ones who never were perfect. I dunno.

I'm coming up with ideas and drawing conclusions, and for the first time they're disagreeing with some of those closest to me. What, you mean it's ok for me to be my own person? Yeah, sure, I know, obvious, right? To society. But not to my society. I'm expanding and contracting and trying to figure all this out, like other people, so LAY OFF. Mostly I'm saying that to myself. Rationalizing and whatnot. Convincing. Brainwashing.

After getting tired of aiming high, I shot for mediocrity. How can I aim high again? I don't have dreams. My goals are: Graduate from college. Get decent paying job that I enjoy. Get married. Raise a family. Other than that I've got nothing. Oh yeah, just look at what you like to do, what do you want to do? I don't know. Well, figure it out. How? I can't tell you that. Gee, thanks.

You know what? I like comments, just because I like seeing what other people think of my thoughts. I like it. I'm interested in what they think. Whatever it is.

I can do anything I put my mind to. Except rise to the top echelon. Is it a self fulfilling prophesy? Maybe. Probably. But once this Yossarian figures out how run, I'll get out of the paradox.

Here's what I'm brainwashing myself with:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8p916axHYM

Ha, I did end up putting this on Facebook.