karate.

Doug said it, I've got a black belt in him but he's got a yellow belt in me. To say that I did violence to myself in order to 'catch' him would be a huge overstatement. More like, built a few walls. But now, i'm happy to say I'm happy to start bringing them down. I think it's dumb, but I know a lot of this has to do with making sure I don't fall in head first again and land on my neck. Which is why I'm able to let him fall head first, while I keep an eye out for footholds. I guess I want to make sure we both don't have the experience I did, emotionally. NOt that that's likely to happen. I think I realize how serious this could be, so I want to make sure that everything'll turn out okay. I'll analyze until there's nothing left to analyze. And I hope he'll also be able to pick me up out of my analyzing and just enjoy everything, too. :)

but we'll see what happens.

On which i return, due to insomnia.

Nights with insomnia make me wonder.

Tonight's topic: my future.

I have no idea where I'm going, or what I want to do. My laziness makes me fear failing at everything.

There's also this sneaky voice in my head that keeps 'reminding' me that "you know, you really shouldn't even be here." As in, I should have given into my thoughts and fears a few years ago. As if, that's how things were 'supposed' to go. My response is generally Fuck you. That's one accomplishment, I survived high school and middle school. Yay me. I'm not sure anyone knows how much of an accomplishment that is. My own private war, all that's left of it are a few scallywags that bitch and moan, but don't do anything else.

I want to write a story, a short story, but its slow going. I've got a theme, though - Existential Crisis: What the character thought/held dear/believed in/etc. is proven moot, and is forced to grapple with a problem. Should he choose a solution based on his previous 'morality'? The present, 'real' new world? His own desires? Or maybe refuse to choose at all, and just let things be as they are. The "no answer" answer. Hmmm....I like that one. Maybe I WILL write a story.

someday.

Ugh. What am I good at? Eh. Screw this. I can't take considering the pointlessness and short sightedness of my future. Damn the fog, damn my near sightedness. On to other problems.

I have communication issues. The easiest and biggest example of this is my relationship with the boyfriend. Oh, don't worry, things are good. As good as it can be, doing the distance thing. We talk nearly every night, even if it's only fifteen minutes and telling each other what we did today. I figure even if we do that for a week, at least we're still talking and things will be okay. But like today, we actually had a decent conversation for a bit. It was awesome. I miss really talking to him. But I tangent. Anywho. For some reason, I've realized that part of me is still the shy kid I once was. The one that doesn't like speaking up.

And I forget where I was going. Or, actually, I didn't forget, I just decided taht I'll leave most of thsi to my private musings. No need to air the laundry in public.

But to wrap up, the important thing is I'm working on it, and I know I can talk to him about anything I want because he'll listen to me. And I think that's probably the best thing he can do for me now. (In case you're reading, good job hon. :) )

One thing I find funny, is that Meyers Briggs says our personalities are very good for each other. ha. we'll see what happens.

UGh. I hate the future. too many variables, and i'm not ready for any of them on any level. MEh.