I am so, so mad right now.
But the reason why I'm mad isn't justified. It's part of the cross we're bearing. The ResLife cross we're bearing. We are called to a higher standard than the other students, and you can't deny that. You give up your freedom and your anonymity with this job.
I'm so mad at him, so so SO mad at him. It's low, disgusting and petty. He's grabbing for everyone around him to drag down with him, instead of taking responsibility for what he did. It's immature and hypocritical. I hate it, hate it.
But he's right, and Katherine's gracious, so I get to suck it up and be better than everyone else. And until I'm not mad anymore, that will be my consolation. I'm better than that one who's trying to throw us all under the bus. I have no choice now than to live up to this standard.
This has implications for next year, too. Now that someone has said something, no one else can. Fuck that shit. I don't want to be better. But we have to be, because we chose to be.
And in a way I get a sort of peace from that. Go ahead, call me out for being elitist. I don't care, because that's what I'm going to be until I'm not mad anymore. Better to be elitist than vindictive.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Rawr.
So like...yeah. Today sucks.
Mostly because I had my Greek Midterm and probably didn't pull a high enough number to pull my grade out of the gutter, and if I don't get it up just that wee bit my advisor's going to make me withdraw from it, forcing me to take a WHOLE extra year of a language, making my GPA suicide meaningless.
The good news? Umm....it's over, I guess.
I also have to write my major paper on descartes and/or Hume for Miller. But the good thing there is that enough people bitched and it got moved to wednesday. My 3 page busywork essay for science also got moved, to Sunday. So at least I've got more time on it.
Plus I'm still slightly tense from one of my catholic acquaintences reminding me of the fact that from a vocational viewpoint my relationship with my boyfriend is not only meaningless but harmful to both of us in the sense that we're just using each other and that my reasons for dating him aren't good enough. One should note that I'm definitely exaggerating this to some extent, and that although I don't hold it against my acquiantence (thank you, Kayla, for kindly reminding me that I really shouldn't), it's still a touchy issue with me. I really shouldn't get this hostile for this long about it, but seriously...I can't really help it, especially when I'm already over emotional to begin with this week. And seriously, why the heck does anyone even bother asking when obviously any justifying answer I give won't be 'good enough'.
See, the thing is I understand a lot of theology. But at the same time, my heart isn't in it to the same degree that my mind is, if that makes any sense. I'm trying to help my heart catch up to where my head is, and it's not happening overnight. The problem isn't that I don't understand the "theology" or reasoning or whatever behind everything, it's that I can't see how it goes into practice in the sense of really understanding it to the point of willingly embracing it.
Add this to the insecurity that I already have, worrying that I'm being seen as a lesser mortal because I'm not holy enough (oh, look, she's not as progressed as we are, obviously!), thinking that people condemn me behind my back just like I do in my own head. It's gotten better, really, it has. I'm figuring out how to let myself trust people's friendships more than I did before. These occaisional flairups suck, though.
So yeah. MEH.
AND I'm on rounds tonight. *sigh* Maybe that's a good thing...idk. But hey, I mean, days that suck like this really help make the better days seem that much better. Granted, there's also the fact that because I was so damn happy last year this year feels like a poor shadow of contentment...but I'll think about that later. The important this is that it WILL get better. Yes?
Sure. Why the hell not.
Mostly because I had my Greek Midterm and probably didn't pull a high enough number to pull my grade out of the gutter, and if I don't get it up just that wee bit my advisor's going to make me withdraw from it, forcing me to take a WHOLE extra year of a language, making my GPA suicide meaningless.
The good news? Umm....it's over, I guess.
I also have to write my major paper on descartes and/or Hume for Miller. But the good thing there is that enough people bitched and it got moved to wednesday. My 3 page busywork essay for science also got moved, to Sunday. So at least I've got more time on it.
Plus I'm still slightly tense from one of my catholic acquaintences reminding me of the fact that from a vocational viewpoint my relationship with my boyfriend is not only meaningless but harmful to both of us in the sense that we're just using each other and that my reasons for dating him aren't good enough. One should note that I'm definitely exaggerating this to some extent, and that although I don't hold it against my acquiantence (thank you, Kayla, for kindly reminding me that I really shouldn't), it's still a touchy issue with me. I really shouldn't get this hostile for this long about it, but seriously...I can't really help it, especially when I'm already over emotional to begin with this week. And seriously, why the heck does anyone even bother asking when obviously any justifying answer I give won't be 'good enough'.
See, the thing is I understand a lot of theology. But at the same time, my heart isn't in it to the same degree that my mind is, if that makes any sense. I'm trying to help my heart catch up to where my head is, and it's not happening overnight. The problem isn't that I don't understand the "theology" or reasoning or whatever behind everything, it's that I can't see how it goes into practice in the sense of really understanding it to the point of willingly embracing it.
Add this to the insecurity that I already have, worrying that I'm being seen as a lesser mortal because I'm not holy enough (oh, look, she's not as progressed as we are, obviously!), thinking that people condemn me behind my back just like I do in my own head. It's gotten better, really, it has. I'm figuring out how to let myself trust people's friendships more than I did before. These occaisional flairups suck, though.
So yeah. MEH.
AND I'm on rounds tonight. *sigh* Maybe that's a good thing...idk. But hey, I mean, days that suck like this really help make the better days seem that much better. Granted, there's also the fact that because I was so damn happy last year this year feels like a poor shadow of contentment...but I'll think about that later. The important this is that it WILL get better. Yes?
Sure. Why the hell not.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Green Beer, Sparkles, and Grandmas
It's been a while, I know.
So what's been going on in the other side of sanity since we last met? A fair amount, but nothing life changing. Or so it seems yet.
I think I'm happy. Things make me happy, I should say. People make me happy. But I'm not actualized yet. I guess that's something to live for, when things go down, as long as I believe that I can still actualize.
The boy, Doug, is something that often makes me happy. I'll admit it, I wasn't sure for a bit, that it would survive. But part's over now, I figure it's lasted this long, and I think we've gotten past at least one small hill. Plus the ride downhill is almost always worth the climb. :) I won't say that it will last forever, that would be way too presumptuous than I'm comfortable with. But in the meantime while it lasts we'll enjoy it and learn a bit from each other.
Oh yes, it's St. Patty's day. No green beer for me. But that's all right, I don't mind. What I do know is that I'm going to crack down on my residents straight out next year. See, I feel like my girls now get away with far too much, but at the same time they're pretty smart about it and able to get away with it, but STILL at the same time that all doesn't sit right with me. On the other hand, as of now my residents will all be freshmen honors chicas, completely different from my darling sparkly nightlife loving ladies. Or at least that's what stereotypes and experience tell me. So really I'll probably be able to crack down without actually cracking down.
Hmmm....in academic news, if I don't score well on this upcoming 'midterm' for Greek, Fr. Jim (the advisor for moi) will likely make me drop it. So no pressure or anything. He did say that he admired me for taking a class that was risky for my GPA but probably good for my education. Dr. Samples says I'm honest. I think Katherine thinks so too. Truthfully, I'm more honest with Samples than Katherine. For obvious reasons, though. It's all in the word choice, really. I'm just kinda hoping that Katherine reads between the lines I draw and sees me for what I am while still having a good portrait of who I am. OH yeah. I still have to take Christology. *sigh* I'll worry about that next year.
I really need to work out a bit more so I can feel good about dishing out the bucks for the bikini I bought. It's really incredibly vain of me...but I'm only going to be in my 20s once, and knowing my family history I'll only have a shot at a bikini-ready body while I'm in my 20s, so why not try and put the effort out now and then later be able to say that I got to enjoy it? (I've seen pictures of my grandma...she was drop dead gorgeous) I think the world may be corrupting my vision. But part of me thinks that part of the deal is that you're supposed to break a few of the rules when you're young, so that you have memories for when you're older and supposed to settle down. Because if you don't do it now, a 40 year old taking a joyride up the the quarry to get a little schwasted with some friends is just gross. It comes down to the feeling that I don't want to miss out on things and have regrets later. High school generated enough of those for me. I don't want college to go by the same way. Now, of course I'm not saying I'm going to abandon all of my morals. But I just want to...go out on a limb every now and again. I need more stories to tell my kids and grandkids anyway.
This year has gone by at breakneck speed. Especially compared to last year. I definitely don't want next year to go by this fast.
For now I'm going to bed, because I'm tired and will get up for breakfast. Woot.
So what's been going on in the other side of sanity since we last met? A fair amount, but nothing life changing. Or so it seems yet.
I think I'm happy. Things make me happy, I should say. People make me happy. But I'm not actualized yet. I guess that's something to live for, when things go down, as long as I believe that I can still actualize.
The boy, Doug, is something that often makes me happy. I'll admit it, I wasn't sure for a bit, that it would survive. But part's over now, I figure it's lasted this long, and I think we've gotten past at least one small hill. Plus the ride downhill is almost always worth the climb. :) I won't say that it will last forever, that would be way too presumptuous than I'm comfortable with. But in the meantime while it lasts we'll enjoy it and learn a bit from each other.
Oh yes, it's St. Patty's day. No green beer for me. But that's all right, I don't mind. What I do know is that I'm going to crack down on my residents straight out next year. See, I feel like my girls now get away with far too much, but at the same time they're pretty smart about it and able to get away with it, but STILL at the same time that all doesn't sit right with me. On the other hand, as of now my residents will all be freshmen honors chicas, completely different from my darling sparkly nightlife loving ladies. Or at least that's what stereotypes and experience tell me. So really I'll probably be able to crack down without actually cracking down.
Hmmm....in academic news, if I don't score well on this upcoming 'midterm' for Greek, Fr. Jim (the advisor for moi) will likely make me drop it. So no pressure or anything. He did say that he admired me for taking a class that was risky for my GPA but probably good for my education. Dr. Samples says I'm honest. I think Katherine thinks so too. Truthfully, I'm more honest with Samples than Katherine. For obvious reasons, though. It's all in the word choice, really. I'm just kinda hoping that Katherine reads between the lines I draw and sees me for what I am while still having a good portrait of who I am. OH yeah. I still have to take Christology. *sigh* I'll worry about that next year.
I really need to work out a bit more so I can feel good about dishing out the bucks for the bikini I bought. It's really incredibly vain of me...but I'm only going to be in my 20s once, and knowing my family history I'll only have a shot at a bikini-ready body while I'm in my 20s, so why not try and put the effort out now and then later be able to say that I got to enjoy it? (I've seen pictures of my grandma...she was drop dead gorgeous) I think the world may be corrupting my vision. But part of me thinks that part of the deal is that you're supposed to break a few of the rules when you're young, so that you have memories for when you're older and supposed to settle down. Because if you don't do it now, a 40 year old taking a joyride up the the quarry to get a little schwasted with some friends is just gross. It comes down to the feeling that I don't want to miss out on things and have regrets later. High school generated enough of those for me. I don't want college to go by the same way. Now, of course I'm not saying I'm going to abandon all of my morals. But I just want to...go out on a limb every now and again. I need more stories to tell my kids and grandkids anyway.
This year has gone by at breakneck speed. Especially compared to last year. I definitely don't want next year to go by this fast.
For now I'm going to bed, because I'm tired and will get up for breakfast. Woot.
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