I really could care less....or at least, that's where it looks like i"m heading.

I've been spending too much time on Tumblr.

I'm thinking about turning in early and then waking up and studying for greek. I'm really just on burn out. Dr. Sollenburger really shouldn't have told us that we only have two more classes, and then the final. I'm really close to just not caring. Oh, and I might get a C in modciv. Me being the idiot completely missed the boat on the 1-2pt 'questions' we were supposed to turn in with every reading. Oh well. Like I said, I'm teetering on burnout.

I really would like to go home. Like, really. But I'd rather not leave Doug for three months. Bah. But right now a recharge away from school for a long time almost seems worth it.

Ugh, I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I have no motivation or overreaching 'goal' to go for. I do know that I really don't like having tension and stress and a million demands put on me. Which makes me wonder if my slight interest in religious life is just based on my perception that I wouldn't have to worry about that anymore. Which also makes me think that I'm not motivated or self driven enough and too lazy, which makes me wonder if maybe I'm not supposed to be here. But I know that's stupid.

Yeah, so I really don't have anything interesting to say.

I do feel like I'm missing a sense of permanance that I had previously. I really don't like change, in case you can't tell. I can deal with it, but it doesn't make me happy. I kinda feel like the only people who are going to last in my life are my family. I don't mean that everyone else is expendable, but more like...I shouldn't get too attached, because they're going to leave soon anyway, maybe not tomorrow, but they're going to leave and I"m going to feel bad, and I really have an aversion to that. Part of me thinks tht it's residue from the Derek crap I went through last year. Probably is, seeing as I can't really pinpoint anything else. But part of me also thinks that it's a self fulfilling prophesy, that if I don't let myself get thoroughly attached people are more likely to leave. So i don't know. It's lonely, but at least it doesn't hurt, ya know?

I need to get better at communicating.

So yeah. For now I guess I'm just going to do what I can to survive these next two weeks and then go home and see what happens from there.

THE QUESTION

I've been reminded of how utterly open my future is, that I'm not sure what I want to do in the slightest. Grad school? I don't know if I have enough drive. Workforce? I don't know if I'll even be able to get a job, and then a job that I don't hate. Devote myself to Jesus? That's scary, and I don't know if I'm Sister material. Backpack around Europe? That kills my options for the future. Settle down and pop out some kids? Sorry honey, but right now that's a definite NO. Go be a lay missionary? I don't know what charity, or where, or what to do afterwards (but I could just think about it then...).

I should really just pray about it. But I keep feeling like the message I'm getting is "shut up and be a student". To concern myself with the present, because maybe I'm supposted to learn something.

Part of me craves a simple life, because those are the times when I've been at peace (no demands, not much stress, ya know?). But then another part of me enjoys the high end of society. But I know I could live on not much. I do travel light.

I do like to travel. Or, I should say, I find seeing other places fascinating and I can handle being away from home for long periods of time.

But I don't know...

So off to bed to play with this question instead of sleep.