icky nasty

All right, I know most of my posts here have been surrounding things of the relationship nature, but I figure that doesn't matter too much.

I feel nasty. I won't go into too much detail, because I don't feel like taking this off my Facebook profile.

I'm a bit depressed and masochistic with a plummeting self worth. I feel a bit like I did in high school, at times. But the difference is that I know that I have people who love me, so that's keeping me from acting on any of my masochistic impulses.

I feel like a failure and a box of vice. Ghosts from before are coming back and giving me nightmares while i'm awake and haunting me. All I feel like I'm worth is to be a prostitute.

Well, see, the difference between this and last summer and the years before that is now I've got a huge beacon of hope, a life given to me by the Mount. They don't know about my past ghosts; they don't live there.

I'm in a big hole, and taking small steps to climb out, small victories.

I don't see why my friends bother to keep me around. I feel like the small victories aren't enough, that I'm not keeping up and just falling deeper and farther away from them while slowly taking two steps forward and one step back.

I look at myself and see weakness. Not worth anything. the disease, not the cure. I don't know how to work hard, and is it worth it to try and learn now, while I feel so far behind the learning curve?

needless to say, I don't like me right now, and I want to go leave, but I can't. I'm chained to me and I can't get free.

I guess unless I get to the higher level I want to be at, I'm gonna be fucking miserable.

Bah. I'm gonna go listen to music and maybe sleep.