So thus ends the first day of my finals blitz. Quick Recap of our planned festivities: Wednesday is Philosophy, Thursday is Greek, and Friday is an easier decrescendo into Theology.
I don't think I'll get an A on my philosophy test, but I seriously feel like I rocked it. I spent sooo much time cramming Aristotle into my tiny little head (or, at least, compared to the rest of the semester), and then definitely hit up Thomas before the test. Just because I was studying him, and then through some more up for Mary. You could call it prayer, it felt more like a cry to Heaven. :) And low and behold, if I was not graced with the knowledge that would help me get an A, at least I was given the feelings of triumph afterwards. What did I do to celebrate? Took a nice three hour nap. Oh yeah. Stress makes me sleepy. So now I have one more reason why life is good.
Now I want to go take a shower before I get something to eat from Patriot. But before that, I've got a few thoughts.
As of late my pysche has been in a bit of turmoil, to say the least. I'm not going to go into details (haven't been, throughout most of this), because I know I've actually got a following on this blog, no matter how small it may be. :) But rather, I'll just content myself to spouting off my feelings, without explanation for their existence.
Today I'm happy. Happy like, College Frosh Katelyn Happy. It's like a wonderful breath of fresh air, like that first deep breath stepping into that little portable hallway thing coming off an airplane. You're first step off an airplane, breathing in that good wet Portland International Airport air. That's the freshness of my feelings. Granted, not many of you can relate to that. Oh well. Go step outside, that's kinda similar.
I know I've got my hardest final tomorrow, and rounds duty tonight. AND a nice little party to go to, so yes, I'll be skipping Militia Immaculata tonight. But it's for a good cause, I promise. If I didn't have rounds I'd do both.
I need to clean my room. I've been saying it for weeks, but tonight I'll be going over vocab and grammar and thinking in greek while I clean, in between running around teh building. It'll be a late night, and an early morning, but as long as I really don't think about the fact that I need a good grade on this, like, more than I've needed a good grade on a lot of other things (it's funny, really, the difference of having a good grade being getting you that A and the needing a good grade to solidify your C. Scarier, really. Which is why I'm not thinking about it anymore after this sentence.) . But I think I'll do okay, as long as I study and get and keep myself in Greek mode.
And then all the while I need to go do ResLife paperwork. I'll get that done tomorrow, so I can scrap up any loose ends that may arise friday. Or at least that's the plan. ;-)
But for now, I'll go take my shower, hopefully not beating my arm all over marble this time. And I didn't even get a good bruise or ANYTHING! AND I almost blacked out from it, twice! Grr. Oh well. No more battle scars from wars with the Sheridan Bathroom for me.
Life is good. After finals and paperwork comes dinner and a movie with my staff, one more night here and then saying goodbye to the Mount for two glorious weeks and reaquainting myself with the nation's airports. I can't WAIT for break! :)
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Happy Gaudete Sunday
When things are hard, Mass is always a good decision.
Always. Sunday Mass is always a good decision. And I'm officially 20 in Church years, because I was born on Gaudete Sunday. :)
I'm still in the woods from where I was in my last post. This time it's day, not night, though.
Somehow, when I fall to my worst, my knees hit the floor and I present myself to God. And soon afterwords I find myself praising him, even though my situation hasn't changed.
Even though I don't want to be what I am sometimes, it doesn't change the fact that this is who I am. I'm a Christian. A bad one, albeit, but a Christian.
It's through grace that I can get through this. I can't believe otherwise. Dr. Paneloux rises again.
And this is why "What Wondrous Love is This" is one of my favorite hymns ever.
What wondrous love is this, O my soul, O my soul?
What wondrous love is this, O my soul?
What wondrous love is this
That caused the Lord of bliss
To bear the dreadful curse for my soul, for my soul,
To bear the dreadful curse for my soul?
Always. Sunday Mass is always a good decision. And I'm officially 20 in Church years, because I was born on Gaudete Sunday. :)
I'm still in the woods from where I was in my last post. This time it's day, not night, though.
Somehow, when I fall to my worst, my knees hit the floor and I present myself to God. And soon afterwords I find myself praising him, even though my situation hasn't changed.
Even though I don't want to be what I am sometimes, it doesn't change the fact that this is who I am. I'm a Christian. A bad one, albeit, but a Christian.
It's through grace that I can get through this. I can't believe otherwise. Dr. Paneloux rises again.
And this is why "What Wondrous Love is This" is one of my favorite hymns ever.
What wondrous love is this, O my soul, O my soul?
What wondrous love is this, O my soul?
What wondrous love is this
That caused the Lord of bliss
To bear the dreadful curse for my soul, for my soul,
To bear the dreadful curse for my soul?
To God and to the Lamb I will sing, I will sing;
To God and to the Lamb I will sing;
To God and to the Lamb,
Who is the great I AM,
While millions join the theme, I will sing, I will sing,
While millions join the theme, I will sing.
And when from death I’m free, I’ll sing on, I’ll sing on;
And when from death I’m free, I’ll sing on.
And when from death I’m free
I’ll sing and joyful be,
And through eternity I’ll sing on, I’ll sing on,
And through eternity I’ll sing on.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
*headdeskfistwall*
Why is it, that every. single. damned. time. anything like this happens I always end up hurting people? I can't get it right, ever. EVER. Honestly, the only thing that's stopping me from saying eff it all is the fact that I know that would hurt far more people.
David's being far kinder than I deserve, and I AM grateful for that. That he understands why I didn't want to say anything yet.
Why the bloody hell am I not allowed? What makes me so 'special' that I'm not allowed?
A voice in my head keeps telling me that all of you are judging me. Writing me off. Cutting me off, and might glance backward while I run off the cliff. But before splatter myself on the ground I'll get to feel what it's like to fly. Because maybe this bird's a penguin, no matter how cute they are they just aren't gonna fly.
And another voice says you aren't. That you all still love me.
In case you didn't notice, ladies and gentlemen, this is one of those moments when I don't want to be what I am.
God, I don't want to deal with this.
And now I move from angry voice to tired and desperately trying to be apathetic, but failing voice.
Whatever. It's my life. If I decide to fuck with it in ways that you all don't agree with, nobody's forcing you to stick around and be my friend. I'm too much of an idiot. Go ahead, leave. Nothing ever lasts forever, anyway, so if you please, just go ahead and prove that to me one more damned time.
And of course you all know I don't really believe that.
*sigh*
Look, honestly, this is just hard to deal with, it's been hard to deal with from the beginning, I've been struggling with it since the beginning. I don't know how long it would last, but I have a chance to see if it could, and I want to take that chance. There's a good possibility that I'll end up getting hurt in the end, but since when have I not gotten hurt in the end? And I've always kept a friendship through it. I'm not asking for your agreement, or even your support. You can give me the silent treatment when things go downhill (which always happens), and say "I told you so" to your heart's content after it dies. Just still love me.
And on top of all of this, this conversation is happening during the one week a month I have the least control of my emotions. So keep that in mind, please. Thanks. Much appreciated.
David's being far kinder than I deserve, and I AM grateful for that. That he understands why I didn't want to say anything yet.
Why the bloody hell am I not allowed? What makes me so 'special' that I'm not allowed?
A voice in my head keeps telling me that all of you are judging me. Writing me off. Cutting me off, and might glance backward while I run off the cliff. But before splatter myself on the ground I'll get to feel what it's like to fly. Because maybe this bird's a penguin, no matter how cute they are they just aren't gonna fly.
And another voice says you aren't. That you all still love me.
In case you didn't notice, ladies and gentlemen, this is one of those moments when I don't want to be what I am.
God, I don't want to deal with this.
And now I move from angry voice to tired and desperately trying to be apathetic, but failing voice.
Whatever. It's my life. If I decide to fuck with it in ways that you all don't agree with, nobody's forcing you to stick around and be my friend. I'm too much of an idiot. Go ahead, leave. Nothing ever lasts forever, anyway, so if you please, just go ahead and prove that to me one more damned time.
And of course you all know I don't really believe that.
*sigh*
Look, honestly, this is just hard to deal with, it's been hard to deal with from the beginning, I've been struggling with it since the beginning. I don't know how long it would last, but I have a chance to see if it could, and I want to take that chance. There's a good possibility that I'll end up getting hurt in the end, but since when have I not gotten hurt in the end? And I've always kept a friendship through it. I'm not asking for your agreement, or even your support. You can give me the silent treatment when things go downhill (which always happens), and say "I told you so" to your heart's content after it dies. Just still love me.
And on top of all of this, this conversation is happening during the one week a month I have the least control of my emotions. So keep that in mind, please. Thanks. Much appreciated.
Thoughts on Mortality
I really feel like there's a black cloud named Death hovering over the Mount. Thus far I've been lucky (or blessed, depending on how you look at it) with avoiding it personally. But it's hit others, my friends, and their loved ones, some more than once. My heart aches for them.
So all of these events of late have caused me to think about it. It's like Dr. Conway said - you better think about these issues now, because if you'll have to face them all eventually. I run the scenarios in my head, what would happen if my family died, one of my friends. To think that people go through this every day, people are dying and are being born right this very minute, alone and surrounded by loved ones...
And I've come up with at least one idea. I know that friendship, love, never dies. I refuse to believe that it does. It comes down to love, the most indestructible, infallible and intangible power in the universe. This is why I believe that God must be love. Pure love. I can worship and pledge my entire being to a being that's Love. It makes sense to me. A love so real that it has its own consciousness, it's own will, a will that is always to love, and to love fully. To live in accordance with that kind of love is the highest life a human can strive for. Always, always strive for that perfection, because love is most important. It's all that matters, in the end. It's the one thing I can always count on, the love of my family, friends, and that love is my God.
I keep thinking of the "This I Believe" thing NPR has. I believe in love.
And that music is an auditory manifestation of some aspect of the perfect love. Whether it be its absence, joy, happiness, passion, anger at its violation, whatever. It's all there.
I feel like this is some weird take on theology. I haven't thought it all through yet, though. I'll get back to you when I do.
But yes, live for love. Suck the marrow out of life, while you're at it. Because this is the one shot we've got, and I'm a quarter dead. I only get to live this long three more times before I find out if I'm right, or if it even matters.
I don't have much more to say just yet. I'll get back to you when I do.
So all of these events of late have caused me to think about it. It's like Dr. Conway said - you better think about these issues now, because if you'll have to face them all eventually. I run the scenarios in my head, what would happen if my family died, one of my friends. To think that people go through this every day, people are dying and are being born right this very minute, alone and surrounded by loved ones...
And I've come up with at least one idea. I know that friendship, love, never dies. I refuse to believe that it does. It comes down to love, the most indestructible, infallible and intangible power in the universe. This is why I believe that God must be love. Pure love. I can worship and pledge my entire being to a being that's Love. It makes sense to me. A love so real that it has its own consciousness, it's own will, a will that is always to love, and to love fully. To live in accordance with that kind of love is the highest life a human can strive for. Always, always strive for that perfection, because love is most important. It's all that matters, in the end. It's the one thing I can always count on, the love of my family, friends, and that love is my God.
I keep thinking of the "This I Believe" thing NPR has. I believe in love.
And that music is an auditory manifestation of some aspect of the perfect love. Whether it be its absence, joy, happiness, passion, anger at its violation, whatever. It's all there.
I feel like this is some weird take on theology. I haven't thought it all through yet, though. I'll get back to you when I do.
But yes, live for love. Suck the marrow out of life, while you're at it. Because this is the one shot we've got, and I'm a quarter dead. I only get to live this long three more times before I find out if I'm right, or if it even matters.
I don't have much more to say just yet. I'll get back to you when I do.
Happy Birthday to Me.
Thursday was my 20th birthday. I think I set a new record for how many people wished me a happy one. That definitely made me feel quite loved.
Best gifts? In no particular order, Isabel's cake she made me, penguin pajamas, Friendly's, my girls coming together to really get into the door decorating, and a card. I'm shifting from really loving the intangibles much more than the material things. Yay for maturing.
Anywho, I've got another post to ponder. But I thought I'd do this birthday one separately.
Overall, a good day. That's all I wanted.
Best gifts? In no particular order, Isabel's cake she made me, penguin pajamas, Friendly's, my girls coming together to really get into the door decorating, and a card. I'm shifting from really loving the intangibles much more than the material things. Yay for maturing.
Anywho, I've got another post to ponder. But I thought I'd do this birthday one separately.
Overall, a good day. That's all I wanted.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Updates, updates
So, I've been rather neglectful of this page as of late. Or at least it feels like it.
Time's flying this year, and then at the same time it's taking For Ev Er for tomorrow, for the weekend, for break to come. I can't wait to get home for Christmas. It'll be soooo weird. I almost feel like I'm out of practice for flying. Almost. But in the meantime I've got other delightful things to look forward to and to help me get through all the work I have to do.
I'm applying to be an Area Coordinator. I don't think I'll get the job, but I may as well give it a shot. Lord knows mom and dad will appreciate the extra benefits. And it might mean that I don't necessarily need to make as much money during the summer. Plus I think I'd do a good job. So we'll see what happens. I already have a new plan of attack for the beginning of next school year. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to do differently, and what I'm going to do the same.
I'm going to the Tridentine Mass today, at 4:15. Then from there I"m going to my last Youth Ministry class. Praise God!!! I'm so sick of that. The only reason why I took it this semester was so that I could have another part of the requirements to get the youth ministry concentration. So I have something practical to do with a theology degree. *shrug* Whatevs. I'll never have to sit in Tony's class again, and that's really enough reason to celebrate.
I'm turning 20 on Thursday. It's scary as all hell, lol. I won't be a teenager anymore, it's like I've got no excuse to be irresponsible. Entry into young adulthood. One year closer to kicking the bucket. The one thing I really don't like about it is that my birthday falls during finals week or dead week, one of the two. That makes it harder to celebrate, with all the work everyone is doing. But hey, I don't want much. Go out to Friendly's for icecream with the girls, enjoy the gift my parents sent me (hmmm..it might be here today. :D) Just be with my friends and have a good day. What do I want, though? Psh, I just told you. Although I definitely appreciate gifts, I also understand that we're all college students here, and that frankly I don't often 'gift' other people for their birthdays. Kayla doesn't count. All I really want is to have a good day. Anything else is just icing on the cake.
I miss people. A few different people. I really can't wait to see all of you again. and I'm fairly certain you all know who you are.
I had my fall band concert last night. It's wasn't incredibly awesome, but it was sooooo much fun. I live for that stuff. IT was....EPIC. :-D AND I played it all on a new reed too! AND my chops didn't die until halfway through Water Music, and even then I was able to hold on through the rest of the piece. And O Magnum Mysterium is officially one of my favorite songs ever. Man oh man, I love that stuff. More of you will have to come to our spring concert. Sadly, we only do one per semester. Oh well.
Oh, and apparently I'm both librarian AND manager for pep band. Cool. I have an awesome title. I guess that means I'm more obligated to make it work. But on the other hand, I can stick it in my signature. :)
Anyway, haha, I need to get going. Maybe I'll get a nap in....probably not.
Time's flying this year, and then at the same time it's taking For Ev Er for tomorrow, for the weekend, for break to come. I can't wait to get home for Christmas. It'll be soooo weird. I almost feel like I'm out of practice for flying. Almost. But in the meantime I've got other delightful things to look forward to and to help me get through all the work I have to do.
I'm applying to be an Area Coordinator. I don't think I'll get the job, but I may as well give it a shot. Lord knows mom and dad will appreciate the extra benefits. And it might mean that I don't necessarily need to make as much money during the summer. Plus I think I'd do a good job. So we'll see what happens. I already have a new plan of attack for the beginning of next school year. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to do differently, and what I'm going to do the same.
I'm going to the Tridentine Mass today, at 4:15. Then from there I"m going to my last Youth Ministry class. Praise God!!! I'm so sick of that. The only reason why I took it this semester was so that I could have another part of the requirements to get the youth ministry concentration. So I have something practical to do with a theology degree. *shrug* Whatevs. I'll never have to sit in Tony's class again, and that's really enough reason to celebrate.
I'm turning 20 on Thursday. It's scary as all hell, lol. I won't be a teenager anymore, it's like I've got no excuse to be irresponsible. Entry into young adulthood. One year closer to kicking the bucket. The one thing I really don't like about it is that my birthday falls during finals week or dead week, one of the two. That makes it harder to celebrate, with all the work everyone is doing. But hey, I don't want much. Go out to Friendly's for icecream with the girls, enjoy the gift my parents sent me (hmmm..it might be here today. :D) Just be with my friends and have a good day. What do I want, though? Psh, I just told you. Although I definitely appreciate gifts, I also understand that we're all college students here, and that frankly I don't often 'gift' other people for their birthdays. Kayla doesn't count. All I really want is to have a good day. Anything else is just icing on the cake.
I miss people. A few different people. I really can't wait to see all of you again. and I'm fairly certain you all know who you are.
I had my fall band concert last night. It's wasn't incredibly awesome, but it was sooooo much fun. I live for that stuff. IT was....EPIC. :-D AND I played it all on a new reed too! AND my chops didn't die until halfway through Water Music, and even then I was able to hold on through the rest of the piece. And O Magnum Mysterium is officially one of my favorite songs ever. Man oh man, I love that stuff. More of you will have to come to our spring concert. Sadly, we only do one per semester. Oh well.
Oh, and apparently I'm both librarian AND manager for pep band. Cool. I have an awesome title. I guess that means I'm more obligated to make it work. But on the other hand, I can stick it in my signature. :)
Anyway, haha, I need to get going. Maybe I'll get a nap in....probably not.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Checking it twice
Happy December, my darlings. Three cheers for my favorite month. And for turning 20 in 9 days. And being home in 18.
So I slept through Greek again. My subconscious must be working against my passing this course. Oh well, try again tomorrow.
I've got a MOUNTAIN of things to do ahead of me before the semester is over. But for now I'm focusing on the mountain in front of me this week. Luke exegesis paper due tomorrow, Aristotle for Friday. I'm not sure when my Aquinas reflection paper is due, but I should wrap that up by Friday as well. Probably another test on Thursday for Greek. Paperwork for ResLife, plus resolve another room mate issue asap. Make out my Christmas list to give to my mom before Friday. Rounds from 11-1 Friday night, skip the Christmas Dance. Have tea and cookies. One on One meeting with Katherine, Thursday I think. Clean my room, finish (start?) laundry. Then have a bit of fun on Saturday. Sunday is the Seminary Open house starting at 2, but my call for my band concert that day is 2:30 so I won't get to go to that. Which I'm royally peeved about. Oh well. Band concert at 3:30 (tuning for an HOUR? Really? Bah, T's crazy) until 5, probably. Then dinner, then Rounds that night. Note to self - 12pm Grotto Mass this Sunday.
Then we embark on dead week. Sorta.
I should make a list.
Wow, that was a long list.
I'll philosophize later, I promise. Right now I have to actually get things done, lol.
So I slept through Greek again. My subconscious must be working against my passing this course. Oh well, try again tomorrow.
I've got a MOUNTAIN of things to do ahead of me before the semester is over. But for now I'm focusing on the mountain in front of me this week. Luke exegesis paper due tomorrow, Aristotle for Friday. I'm not sure when my Aquinas reflection paper is due, but I should wrap that up by Friday as well. Probably another test on Thursday for Greek. Paperwork for ResLife, plus resolve another room mate issue asap. Make out my Christmas list to give to my mom before Friday. Rounds from 11-1 Friday night, skip the Christmas Dance. Have tea and cookies. One on One meeting with Katherine, Thursday I think. Clean my room, finish (start?) laundry. Then have a bit of fun on Saturday. Sunday is the Seminary Open house starting at 2, but my call for my band concert that day is 2:30 so I won't get to go to that. Which I'm royally peeved about. Oh well. Band concert at 3:30 (tuning for an HOUR? Really? Bah, T's crazy) until 5, probably. Then dinner, then Rounds that night. Note to self - 12pm Grotto Mass this Sunday.
Then we embark on dead week. Sorta.
I should make a list.
Wow, that was a long list.
I'll philosophize later, I promise. Right now I have to actually get things done, lol.
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