HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!
It's my favorite holiday. Always has been. Maybe it's because I'm a closet goth and love spooky things. And because it's in the middle of Fall, my favorite season.
I'm gonna be a witch, especially once I finish up hemming my costume today. I've also got rounds, so come stop by and say hello, because sadly, I can't leave Sheridan tonight. :-( Oh well, it'll probably help me make good life decisions.
WHOOOO!!!!!! :-D
Friday, October 31, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
A hope for home...
Ugh, I'm so tired, and I don't want to be. If I go to bed now, i can get ten hours.
Screw that.
*headdesk*
I should just fall asleep for a while, and wait for all of this to be over. Done with everything for a while, just get in my little badass spaceship and fly close to the speed of light so i can go forward in time. Yay Einstein. He's one of my heroes. :)
I really just want to go get obliterated, hook up with some guy and have a boatload of fun that I won't be able to remember in the morning. Morality sucks butt sometimes. Sad thing is, I have a pretty good idea where I could go do that. But I think I care too much to not care.
Maybe I'm reaching my breaking point. Or at least, this might be my way of flirting with the edge again. I seem to like to do that. I just want to...
There we go. Screamo Metal goodness makes things better.
Well, I am glad that people think highly enough of me, and care enough to let me know or give me a little kick.
But for now I'll just veg out to A Hope for Home.
Screw that.
*headdesk*
I should just fall asleep for a while, and wait for all of this to be over. Done with everything for a while, just get in my little badass spaceship and fly close to the speed of light so i can go forward in time. Yay Einstein. He's one of my heroes. :)
I really just want to go get obliterated, hook up with some guy and have a boatload of fun that I won't be able to remember in the morning. Morality sucks butt sometimes. Sad thing is, I have a pretty good idea where I could go do that. But I think I care too much to not care.
Maybe I'm reaching my breaking point. Or at least, this might be my way of flirting with the edge again. I seem to like to do that. I just want to...
There we go. Screamo Metal goodness makes things better.
Well, I am glad that people think highly enough of me, and care enough to let me know or give me a little kick.
But for now I'll just veg out to A Hope for Home.
"The race is on and here comes..."
Do you ever get the feeling where you do something, but then doubt it later and then worry extensively about whether or not it will blow up in your face? Yeah. I thought so.
But on a different note.
I feel incredibly busy lately. So much is happening, so much feels like it's converging on a single point (me, to be self centered). However, I still feel incredibly alive. Sprinting through life. It's like a runner's high. As long as I've got good friends who will let me stop and catch my breath, I'll be fine.
"....and the winner loses all."
But on a different note.
I feel incredibly busy lately. So much is happening, so much feels like it's converging on a single point (me, to be self centered). However, I still feel incredibly alive. Sprinting through life. It's like a runner's high. As long as I've got good friends who will let me stop and catch my breath, I'll be fine.
"....and the winner loses all."
Monday, October 27, 2008
Bittersweet Symphony
Hmm, yes, I feel bittersweet.
I'm having recollections of memories from last year, and the year before. I miss it, them.
I found the goodbye card the staff from 360 gave me while cleaning. Oh man, that was a trip. I'll have to stop in at Christmas and say hi. Plus I love their pizza. :) I want to show Dave and Joey that I'm not as much of the naive kid I once was.
Tony told a story in youth ministry that reminded me of Derek. That song, "Dig", by Incubus reminds me of him. I miss hanging out with him and Nick last year, staying up late in the honors lounge. Having conversations about life and everything in it, BSing homework. I miss it. I miss him, I miss how life was back then, the friendship and even the drama. I think about this time last year, what we were all doing...having a Saw marathon, back when all the crap started. Halloween...*shakes head* This year I'll be on rounds. Quite different from what I was doing to pass the night last year. I still care about him a lot. There are so many thoughts, memories...I liked the person he was when we were talking all night. I thought I saw some potential in him, but I guess what really matters are the choices people make. He went one way, I went another. Even last year when we were still pretty tight. I mean, sure, I was bitter...no wrath like a woman scorned, or something like that, right? But he still meant a lot to me, and he's still the only person that'll tell me that other people think I'm an ass or that I'm just whining or whatnot. I really, really wish we could be better friends this year. But I can't compromise some things...I guess I'm just left to doing what I can to show him that my door is always open, in case he ever changes his mind about his lifestyle. Until then, I'll bail him out when I can, or at least, give him a heads up. haha, good times. Oh well.
I'd just really like to have my friend back.
But no use reminising about the past if it won't help you in the future. But damn.
I'm having recollections of memories from last year, and the year before. I miss it, them.
I found the goodbye card the staff from 360 gave me while cleaning. Oh man, that was a trip. I'll have to stop in at Christmas and say hi. Plus I love their pizza. :) I want to show Dave and Joey that I'm not as much of the naive kid I once was.
Tony told a story in youth ministry that reminded me of Derek. That song, "Dig", by Incubus reminds me of him. I miss hanging out with him and Nick last year, staying up late in the honors lounge. Having conversations about life and everything in it, BSing homework. I miss it. I miss him, I miss how life was back then, the friendship and even the drama. I think about this time last year, what we were all doing...having a Saw marathon, back when all the crap started. Halloween...*shakes head* This year I'll be on rounds. Quite different from what I was doing to pass the night last year. I still care about him a lot. There are so many thoughts, memories...I liked the person he was when we were talking all night. I thought I saw some potential in him, but I guess what really matters are the choices people make. He went one way, I went another. Even last year when we were still pretty tight. I mean, sure, I was bitter...no wrath like a woman scorned, or something like that, right? But he still meant a lot to me, and he's still the only person that'll tell me that other people think I'm an ass or that I'm just whining or whatnot. I really, really wish we could be better friends this year. But I can't compromise some things...I guess I'm just left to doing what I can to show him that my door is always open, in case he ever changes his mind about his lifestyle. Until then, I'll bail him out when I can, or at least, give him a heads up. haha, good times. Oh well.
I'd just really like to have my friend back.
But no use reminising about the past if it won't help you in the future. But damn.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Renovations
New Layout.
Definitely a lot lighter than the old one, which in a way reminded me of staring off into a black hole of nothingness. Depressing.
So here we are. :-)
Definitely a lot lighter than the old one, which in a way reminded me of staring off into a black hole of nothingness. Depressing.
So here we are. :-)
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Thoughts
My dear Reader, I don't think enough. Or at least, I feel as if for the last few...whatever...I've been taking a holiday from depth. I went out to find myself, to experiment a little and see what happens. Well, I had a recent revelation that I don't think I think as much as I both used to and should. So I'm changing back, in a way.
I've been trying to figure out, for at least since the beginning of this school year, what it all means. To be myself, to be Catholic, to be a woman, to be human. I'm fairly certain that I've grown up a lot this year, just within the past few months. Responsibility plus a healthy dose of temperance did that to me, I think.
Last year my goal was to break free and experiment with myself. Try on other people, other costumes like I hadn't been able to before. Success(?) came second semester. Drinking at school, making unwise decisions about how I spent my nights, leaving my faith behind in all but going to Sunday Mass and weekly Why Catholic? meetings. You can thank Benitez for twisting my arm into going to those. I would have dyed my hair teal if I had enough motivation to ask Carzoni or Siobhan for a ride to Walmart. But as it was, I didn't.
Over the summer I had a conversion back to...propriety? I can't think of a word that really encompasses it better. Thanks to my friends back home, including a lot from David, I realized that if I kept going in the direction that I was I would be miserable. And a drunken whore, but that's beside the point. You could say that I found my self worth again, and coming back to school I had a better idea of who I was going to be.
So what now? I want it all. I want all the benifits of being religious, an intellectual, a partier and different without any of the negative side affects. Haha, silly me. That's a walking oxymoron, moreover a paradox. Sorry dear. But let's sketch out something that might actually be plausible.
I'm Catholic. I'm becomming pretty darn Catholic, at my own pace. Or God's, but that's another blog entry. If I can grow in holiness while keeping my perspective on the world, an ability to meet people where they're at, I'll be happy. Catholic modesty plus a desire to be seen as desirable (because what woman doesn't get a kick out of being seen as desirable? Yes, I'm redundant.) creates a sometimes frustrating tension. But I think there are ways to make both sides happy, which leads me too...
I'm a lady, dammit. I should probably act a bit more like one. Haha, Steinke? A lady? Puleeze. Well, I should be able to act like one when I want to. I noticed that yesterday when I was in my khaki pants, red sweater, black business heels and brown peacoat (as opposed to sweats and jeans and whatnot), more people held doors and whatnot. And that's as it should be, I think. The biggest part of being a lady seems to me to be discipline, something that I've been struggling to crank up. Although, staying sober on campus has given me some ground. Along these lines, I'm a whole hearted supported of chivalry. I think it's nice, denotes respect, connotes discipline, and heck, it definitely makes a woman feel good. :-) But really, I think it's much, much better to be seen as potential (and eventual) wife material than skanky hoe material. Even if it does seem like a lot of fun to go be a skanky hoe. :)
I need to keep putting effort into school. This year I'm starting to realize again that I'm smart. I can understand things, which is why I love philosophy. I need to talk with people, have good conversations about all sorts of things, meet people who are different from me and spend time trying to understand them. I love to think. I'm going to keep doing it more. Although, it's definitely easy to get caught up with how busy I am (my gosh, you east coast lifestyle! how the heck do you do that all the time?), which is why today is my sabbath. I had breakfast with Andy and Balaban because I wanted to, then holed myself up in my room to sleep and watch half of Schindler's List because my internet wouldn't load anymore. Recharge, and spend time philosophizing like I used to at 2am in high school. Good times, eh Kayla?
So what now?
Good question.
I guess I'm going to go shower and shave and do all those things that the beauty product companies would like to say composes my "beauty ritual". HA! That terminology makes me laugh, it's so absurd. Then I'm going to start my laundry and clean my room (again...it never ends). Watch some TV, think some more, read some more too.
By the way, it's raining today. I absolutely love it when it rains here; it makes me so happy. I miss home. Not going back until Christmas might not have been a good short term decision. You know, I never really liked the rain before I came to college. But now it's a lovely remedy to my homesickness. It reminds me of the air that tastes like water, rich and cool and pure. Horizons that are covered with hills and snowtopped mountains and volcanoes in the distance. Green trees year round, woods and deer and bunnies and banana slugs. Chasing chickens and watching ducks and catching frogs and evil cats and a silly beagle. Idiot liberals and people who care and are kind and are genuine about it. Warm summers and starry nights and combing the astroturf out of my hair. I could go on about it forever, when I'm in this state. But I better not, if I want to stay happy.
I've been trying to figure out, for at least since the beginning of this school year, what it all means. To be myself, to be Catholic, to be a woman, to be human. I'm fairly certain that I've grown up a lot this year, just within the past few months. Responsibility plus a healthy dose of temperance did that to me, I think.
Last year my goal was to break free and experiment with myself. Try on other people, other costumes like I hadn't been able to before. Success(?) came second semester. Drinking at school, making unwise decisions about how I spent my nights, leaving my faith behind in all but going to Sunday Mass and weekly Why Catholic? meetings. You can thank Benitez for twisting my arm into going to those. I would have dyed my hair teal if I had enough motivation to ask Carzoni or Siobhan for a ride to Walmart. But as it was, I didn't.
Over the summer I had a conversion back to...propriety? I can't think of a word that really encompasses it better. Thanks to my friends back home, including a lot from David, I realized that if I kept going in the direction that I was I would be miserable. And a drunken whore, but that's beside the point. You could say that I found my self worth again, and coming back to school I had a better idea of who I was going to be.
So what now? I want it all. I want all the benifits of being religious, an intellectual, a partier and different without any of the negative side affects. Haha, silly me. That's a walking oxymoron, moreover a paradox. Sorry dear. But let's sketch out something that might actually be plausible.
I'm Catholic. I'm becomming pretty darn Catholic, at my own pace. Or God's, but that's another blog entry. If I can grow in holiness while keeping my perspective on the world, an ability to meet people where they're at, I'll be happy. Catholic modesty plus a desire to be seen as desirable (because what woman doesn't get a kick out of being seen as desirable? Yes, I'm redundant.) creates a sometimes frustrating tension. But I think there are ways to make both sides happy, which leads me too...
I'm a lady, dammit. I should probably act a bit more like one. Haha, Steinke? A lady? Puleeze. Well, I should be able to act like one when I want to. I noticed that yesterday when I was in my khaki pants, red sweater, black business heels and brown peacoat (as opposed to sweats and jeans and whatnot), more people held doors and whatnot. And that's as it should be, I think. The biggest part of being a lady seems to me to be discipline, something that I've been struggling to crank up. Although, staying sober on campus has given me some ground. Along these lines, I'm a whole hearted supported of chivalry. I think it's nice, denotes respect, connotes discipline, and heck, it definitely makes a woman feel good. :-) But really, I think it's much, much better to be seen as potential (and eventual) wife material than skanky hoe material. Even if it does seem like a lot of fun to go be a skanky hoe. :)
I need to keep putting effort into school. This year I'm starting to realize again that I'm smart. I can understand things, which is why I love philosophy. I need to talk with people, have good conversations about all sorts of things, meet people who are different from me and spend time trying to understand them. I love to think. I'm going to keep doing it more. Although, it's definitely easy to get caught up with how busy I am (my gosh, you east coast lifestyle! how the heck do you do that all the time?), which is why today is my sabbath. I had breakfast with Andy and Balaban because I wanted to, then holed myself up in my room to sleep and watch half of Schindler's List because my internet wouldn't load anymore. Recharge, and spend time philosophizing like I used to at 2am in high school. Good times, eh Kayla?
So what now?
Good question.
I guess I'm going to go shower and shave and do all those things that the beauty product companies would like to say composes my "beauty ritual". HA! That terminology makes me laugh, it's so absurd. Then I'm going to start my laundry and clean my room (again...it never ends). Watch some TV, think some more, read some more too.
By the way, it's raining today. I absolutely love it when it rains here; it makes me so happy. I miss home. Not going back until Christmas might not have been a good short term decision. You know, I never really liked the rain before I came to college. But now it's a lovely remedy to my homesickness. It reminds me of the air that tastes like water, rich and cool and pure. Horizons that are covered with hills and snowtopped mountains and volcanoes in the distance. Green trees year round, woods and deer and bunnies and banana slugs. Chasing chickens and watching ducks and catching frogs and evil cats and a silly beagle. Idiot liberals and people who care and are kind and are genuine about it. Warm summers and starry nights and combing the astroturf out of my hair. I could go on about it forever, when I'm in this state. But I better not, if I want to stay happy.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Good Morning
I think I've seen more sunrises this week than I have in the past six months combined. That's because there's a window right at the head of the bed, and I don't bother closing the blinds. So the sun wakes me up. Sunrises must be good for the circadian rhythm. Usually I only see them when I either: A) Stayed up all night "studying" or B) Have to catch a 6am flight. Sunrises from an airplane are beautiful.
So, it's my last few hours of apartment sitting and babysitting Gabriel. Thanks to the rescuing of Benitez and his generous donation of two days of his time, I won't be going back to the Mount speaking cat. I do wish I lived closer, if anything so that I could show some of my Mount friends my life before college. Maybe the parents will meet some of them who are RAs at the end of the year. Bah. Makes me a little sad. But oh well, it's part of my tuition - the "Why the heck did you go so far away?" Package.
Speaking of packages, I still have to adjust my halloween costume a little. A few safety pins, maybe, and if I'm skilled enough with a needle a ribbon to sinch the waist a little. It's a black and green witch dres, with netting for sleeves and a corset-designed bodice. Hey, if I have to have rounds on Halloween, I might as well have a little fun with it.
I feel like I still have lots of work to do within the coming weeks. But really, I still do have enough time to do it. I think. I just have to plan it wisely and actually work hard. Bah. I don't like working hard. My lazy nature that likes things that naturally come to me hates it.
The weather is finally getting colder, and the leaves are thoroughly beautiful. I'll be breaking out the sweaters, and might go on a Walmart run to pick up some warmer clothes. Maybe mom and dad will fund one, since I couldn't go shopping at home during fall break? (I know you're reading, dad. :-] ) I've got my coat now, so I'll be fine for a while still.
Well, today I must put the place back in order, and repack all of my stuff, plus include the stuff I've bought. Just a few books. I have a nagging feeling that I may have rounds tonight. I don't think I do, it might be next Sunday. Oh well, I can check when I get back to the Mount, and if it comes down to it I can just leave mass early. As long as I sign in before 8:30 nobody will complain too much. Plus, what are people doing the Sunday they get back from break? All the homework they put off, just like me. I remember one time I had to write a multi-draft for freshmen seminar right after I had spent the whole day flying. That wasn't a fun all nighter. But I got it done. :)
All right. Time to clean and play with the kitty for a little bit.
So, it's my last few hours of apartment sitting and babysitting Gabriel. Thanks to the rescuing of Benitez and his generous donation of two days of his time, I won't be going back to the Mount speaking cat. I do wish I lived closer, if anything so that I could show some of my Mount friends my life before college. Maybe the parents will meet some of them who are RAs at the end of the year. Bah. Makes me a little sad. But oh well, it's part of my tuition - the "Why the heck did you go so far away?" Package.
Speaking of packages, I still have to adjust my halloween costume a little. A few safety pins, maybe, and if I'm skilled enough with a needle a ribbon to sinch the waist a little. It's a black and green witch dres, with netting for sleeves and a corset-designed bodice. Hey, if I have to have rounds on Halloween, I might as well have a little fun with it.
I feel like I still have lots of work to do within the coming weeks. But really, I still do have enough time to do it. I think. I just have to plan it wisely and actually work hard. Bah. I don't like working hard. My lazy nature that likes things that naturally come to me hates it.
The weather is finally getting colder, and the leaves are thoroughly beautiful. I'll be breaking out the sweaters, and might go on a Walmart run to pick up some warmer clothes. Maybe mom and dad will fund one, since I couldn't go shopping at home during fall break? (I know you're reading, dad. :-] ) I've got my coat now, so I'll be fine for a while still.
Well, today I must put the place back in order, and repack all of my stuff, plus include the stuff I've bought. Just a few books. I have a nagging feeling that I may have rounds tonight. I don't think I do, it might be next Sunday. Oh well, I can check when I get back to the Mount, and if it comes down to it I can just leave mass early. As long as I sign in before 8:30 nobody will complain too much. Plus, what are people doing the Sunday they get back from break? All the homework they put off, just like me. I remember one time I had to write a multi-draft for freshmen seminar right after I had spent the whole day flying. That wasn't a fun all nighter. But I got it done. :)
All right. Time to clean and play with the kitty for a little bit.
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