I'm in a post-grungy and sunsets mood

((From my Facebook Notes...))

So I was Facebook stalking a few of my friends, going beyond the usual list and came across an incredibly gorgeous picture of one of my friends watching a sunset. The sunset was beautiful over what could have been a desert, and it made me think of that time on the last Mission Trip where a bunch of us walked up all over a few really good hills (you east coast people might call them mountains). The sun began to set, and you could see out into the desert-y rolling hillside, and behind you you could see a gorgeous, luscious green valley. It really was a moment of paradise. I'd describe it more, but every description of a sunset always falls short and never seems to be as meaningful to those witnessing it second hand. So I'll spare you the details.

I love sunsets. They're one of my favorite things. Ever. I prefer them to sunrises, but granted I've seen about a hundred times as many sunsets as sunrises. Although I have to admit, watching the sun rise when I fly back to Maryland is pretty sweet. I'd rather watch a sunset, though. Maybe it's because I like the night, the dark, and the stars. Could that be linked to my love of the scary? The morbid, the dark, why Halloween is my favorite holiday? I think both have the same root. I'm not sure what that is, though. It's something in who I am. Naturally attracted to the dark side of things. I suppose some people would find that disturbing...I know some people think that part of me kinda is. And I don't blame them, I'm pretty sure they still want to associate with me in spite of it. If not, screw you. Good Katelyn will keep on pretending that everything's fine, and Bad Katelyn doesn't care one way or another and will probably bad mouth you in her sleep.

Maybe I have some sort of black hole in me. Like, it could be something missing (the Jesus shaped hole! Maybe...), or it could be a lot of things. It could be a lack of self confidence and esteem. It could be lack of comfort with who I am. Yeah, maybe. If I could only figure out exactly, precisely, undeniably why I am uncomfortable with myself, then maybe I can cure it. I'm not sure if I've actually been curing it or have just gotten better at dealing with it and covering it up. I suppose it doesn't make a different to the outside world; the affect is the same, right? But it matters to me. Maybe that's a good place to go. Figuring out what matters to me. It's sounds so simple, so obvious. Well of course I know what matters to me! Or do I? In the larger sense, yes. But in the little things? No. Ha. comfort with who I am. I'm trying to figure out who I am, so maybe that's a fluid thing right now. Or maybe it's just obscured.

Another thought. Why am I pouring out my soul to Facebook? Lord knows far more people can read it than on my Myspace. Especially because notes don't get published too often on Facebook. But see, that's the thing. That's the one thing I can actually say that I don't care what others think about me. Maybe it's because I can be so completely and brutally honest with myself and do some real soul searching, that if anyone blows it off or takes it and tries to desecrate it, that it's just stupid and wrong to do so. There's a taboo on killing parts of someone's soul. So my dears, read, comment as you like.

I saw Dave, my old boss, today. Talked with him and Max (a manager) for about an hour. Dave thinks that I'm still far too high strung. So that's my new year's resolution - try to lower my stringing. The way I see it, I'm not as happy as I probably could be being high strung, type A, whatever (although if i'm type A this sucks, because I don't have any of the organizational or perfectionistic benefits). So yeah. Oh, and apparently I need to be a kid.

Hmmm. In summary, I just discovered that my favorite music genre is post-grunge. Grunge, seriously? I guess they also call grunge Seattle Sound. Go figure. But I'll still listen to anything.