From the Myspace Files

My most recent update to my myspace blogs. I didn't originally think I would post it here, but there isn't anything incriminating. So I though I'd share. I'll be coming out with an official goodbye note on facebook the night I leave for Bmore.

title: "In the soundless awe and wonder..."

I'm doing a pseudo-rough draft of my "goodbye washington" facebook note. Because fewer people pay attention to this page than both my blog and facebook profile.

A few goals for this year:

1. Not be a skanky whore.
2. Cultivate the good things about myself I've remembered since coming back home, and throw out the bad. See 1.
3. Keep up with classes, my job and good people.
4. Read the Bible, because it's good for me.
5. Further pump up the Mount WE. :-)

There's a lot I can say for this summer. I didn't hang out with an incredible amount of people, but I'm perfectly happy with that, because those I did mean the world to me. That doesn't mean that I don't care about you, just that some people are closer to me than you.

In some ways I feel like I've come full circle, back to the spot I was last year. 11 months and 23 days ago I got on a plane to MD that changed my life. college does that. I was a half-finished statue, and the people I met took their chisels to me and carved their own niches. Then I came home and took a look in my wonderful human mirrors and realized that I should probably make some adjustments, because if the pattern kept progressing as it did, the finished product wouldn't be something I was happy with. So my old friends and I took a few stabs at me, and now I'm a hybrid. The process is going to keep repeating, back and forth and back and forth, refining and detailing, until I die.

I'm happy to go back, go back to the place of opportunity and independence and responsibility and actualization. This year is going to be different. I feel it. It'll be different because I choose so.

I think back to a year ago, to the pre-college me, walking the streets of Camas at night, talking to my dear friends. I wanted so desperately to break free: free of the sadness and depression, of the rules of my house, free of my past and molds I felt people fit me into. I was strapping myself to a rocket and begging Time to light the fuse.

Over the days turning to weeks turning to months, I found the freedom and happiness I so desperately craved. For the first time in at least four years I was truly happy, all the time. I didn't realize how utterly depressed I had been. I found independence, and with it responsibility for my new self I was to create. I made friends, seemingly for the first time, based on me. Not my past. No one knew a thing about me, except how I presented myself to them. People liked me for me, and I them for them. Most curious relationships that I have yet to really understand. I didn't fly off the deep end, but I definitely flirted with the line of destruction. Only now do I really see that. Hindsight and all.

But now another summer has passed, and this time I'm taking aim and charting my course before I fly.

Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, Senior.
Forming, Storming, Norming, Performing.

I think there's some truth to it. I'm breaking myself again, but this time with purpose and direction. Ripping muscles to make them stronger. I have a clearer picture of who I want to be.

But who is that?

Somone who loves. Someone who is not just a Catholic, but a Christian, and vice versa. Someone who stretches for virtue, but isn't afraid to struggle with her vice. Someone who is patient and kind. Someone who laughs. Someone who accepts and cherishes others for who they are, nasty stuff included. But ultimately, someone who loves.

You know what? This summer I've come to figure out how much I deeply care about those closest to me. Thanks for letting me love you so much.

So in a few days, I bid thee all good bye. I don't know when we'll all be together again. But hey, like my yearbook said, "The memories never die." We'll keep in touch, and hopefully I'll see you in nine months. Thanks be to God for letting me make it this far.

In the soundless awe and wonder
Words fall short to hope again
How beautiful, how vast Your love is
New forever,
World without an end...