So I totally feel like a marked man. It happens to all the RAs; they don't talk about it too much. The part where everyone who sees you in your reslife Tshirt now has a different perspective of you, now thinks that you're out to get them. That your friends treat you differently. Even the closest ones have to take a little bit to get used to the idea that this is your job, not your identity, and that little while hurts. To be defined by my position as an RA and people making assumptions based on that, putting me in the fishbowl.
And so it begins. Life in a fish tank. People can see me from all sides; no place to hide.
For the record: YES, I'M NOT DRINKING THIS YEAR. SO STOP ASKING ME, STOP TEMPTING ME. IT'S HARD ENOUGH AS IT IS!!! RESPECT THE FACT THAT I WANT TO ACTUALLY FOLLOW THE RULES I'M SUPPOSED TO ENFORCE.
thank you.
Hopefully I won't feel this alone too long. Yes, I'm called to a higher standard than the rest of the student body. Yes, Dean Post considers me to be part of the most dependable and responsible group of students on campus. Yes, the radio is wicked awesome. But along with that is the knowledge that a lot of people won't look at me the same. Living in a fish bowl. The price of it.
It won't last too long. But thank god I've got a friend back home who still knows me as Katelyn. Because sometimes even Steinke gets taken over by the RA Katelyn persona. But for some reason, I thought it'd be more satisfying to talk to him than it was. Oh I'm still glad, and things are better. But I think there are some things only Christ can handle.
Good night. I've got classes in the morning.
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4 comments:
"That your friends treat you differently. Even the closest ones have to take a little bit to get used to the idea that this is your job, not your identity, and that little while hurts."
Aww. That kinda stings. I hope I wasn't being thought of for this...
Don't worry. I wasn't thinking of you and the girls. :) I know you guys won't think I'm weird now.
Good luck, honey. :] The whole not-drinking thing, and to a lesser extent the fishbowl thing (theo majors have it, too), were my experience from freshman through junior year. (Senior year was sort of an experiment, really, in terms of drinking--since I was finally 21--and I'm pretty sure it didn't get completely out of hand BECAUSE of the first three years). The feelings of being judged, though, are far outweighed by the character-building quality of setting yourself aside without distancing yourself from your peers. (I hope that last sentence made sense...)
Happy Feast of St. Monica! Somehow, I feel like she'd understand...
~Rena
P.S.- I miss all of you!
Wow, intense. It's got to be tough, not wanting to be define by your duty and then even some of your old friends (apparently not all) changing their perspective of you in that. I know what you mean about changing, it happened to me just when I first went to college. I had my old friends from home who knew me as the person I was before, then I went to college and changed, and I was different coming back. My friend from back home and I had a slight falling out upon return the first year, but now things have mended. It's nice to have just a friend back home, someone who is a friend and thats it. Things will look up for you I'm sure, just keep it up. And nice on the not drinking thing, it's got to be tough, but I'm sure you can do it!
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